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Moving Through Change

I love my home.  For some people the living room and dining room have long lost their original intent, but for me, these rooms are my sanctuary.  A place free from toys, clutter, mess, and TVs.  They are rooms filled with things of beauty to me—candles, comfortable chairs with reading lights, books and earthy elements of rocks, twigs, and plants—all providing a space for special moments. 

And the moments are plenty.  It is a place of stillness while I work or meditate; a place of gathering for dinners; a dance floor for when my daughters and I feel like being silly; plus, a music room when my older daughter pulls out her guitar or my younger wants to perform.  When I walk into my home I always look around with such gratitude.

But now it’s time to move.

Relationship break-ups often involve separating from more than just a partner; prompting a separation from your home as well.  This is one of those times.

And while there’s room for all emotions, the predominant one that I’m wrapping around this move is excitement and opportunity.  My daughters and I aren’t just taking a step into new possibilities, we’re leaping into the great unknown by packing a new tent and a map. 

I’ve done the hectic move from one home into another.  Emotionally and physically it’s exhausting for all involved.  This time I’m taking a new approach: a month of being homeless.  Or, phrased more eloquently: a month between homes.  So while I’m gearing up to de-clutter, sort, and store, I’m also gathering up my camping gear.  Destination? The stars, big skies, and fresh air of the West.

Instead of lining-up an intensive move, we’re gathering images of “must see” destinations.  Instead of focusing on a perceived loss, we’re having fun practicing tent set-ups and learning about aluminum foil campfire cooking.  While our belongings rest in storage, our minds can rest in the simplicity of camping.  I’m so thankful for this opportunity - a possibility that only opened because of our move.

During one quiet moment on the living-room sofa, my older daughter shared that she’ll miss the scene that surrounded us.  And I agreed.  But I reminded both of us that it isn’t the room, the carpet, or the walls that created this sacred space, it’s the tremendous love that we all share and the special items that we chose to bring into it.  I looked at her and said, “this is our home because it’s what we’ve created.  This love, this intent, goes with us wherever we go because we value it.”  And we both knew it was true.

Yes, there are moments when I fret about our yet unrevealed next address, but I do know that getting there via the West will be a great adventure—one that will land us right back in the comfort of our living room, wherever that may be.

This is the power of a parent with intent: the intent to nurture her children, even through the ups and downs of life.  I wish to instill in my girls a sense that it isn’t the “what”, it’s the “how” that matters.  How will we be dealing with our move? By singing loudly with the windows down as we cruise to new destinations.

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Mindful mom, thinker, and author, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way^® of nurturing their child’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and experience.  Her book, The Pro-Child Way^®: Parenting with an Ex is available through Amazon or www.TheProChildWay.com

ACIM Lesson 43: Healing our perception as a means of forgiveness

...or “how to stop hitting yourself over the head”

I am blessed to be a part of A Course in Miracles group.  ACIM is a journey through seemingly short lessons that, if taken in, can reveal great Truths.  Spirit has a wonderful way of reminding you of the validity of these lessons by correlating it to an experience in your life.  And there is no denying it - for it doesn’t “seep” in, it hits you straight in your experiential gut.  You know it’s truth because you Know it’s true.  Many of my truths, have been revealed through my experiences of divorce and relationship break-ups.  Here’s my latest lesson:

I’ve fallen in love… I’ve crashed out of love.  A typical experience that hopefully you’ve had some practice at - and I say hopefully because I’m an inducted believer in the “hit yourself over the head” method of learning.  For this “practice” leads to an awakening of sorts:  “ow, that hurt, don’t do it again.” 

I’ve had the wonderful practice of many break-ups - each one playing out an alternative ending.  The “throw the Rubix cube against the wall and watch it break into pieces” breakup when I was 16 was full of anger (and very dramatic - I was trying to emulate Scarlet throwing a vase above Rhett’s head); The “watch as your partner denies you in-front of the other woman” breakup revealed the meaning behind “Hell hath no fury…”; and, the “unrequited love” breakup had me questioning my worthiness.  And then there were two divorces, both painful in their own ways.  Welcome to my board.  They were all clever variations on the theme of “hitting myself on the head.”  And with my last relationship breakup, I stopped short in the process and said, “ow, that hurts, don’t do it again.” 

With the ending of my last relationship, I could almost feel myself standing in front of the snack dispenser, coins already inserted, selecting which “break-up” experience I was going to have.  But before I chose between the messy, hard, or crumbly choices, I withdrew my hand.  And I thought, “it’s ok, Ellen, that you didn’t see who this person was, what this relationship was, who you were, or where it all was leading… what matters now is that your perception has changed.  There is no need to choose a dramatic ending, your awareness is all you need.”  Seriously, that was my thought.  A frozen moment in time as I chose my next words.  I took a long look at all of those yummy end-of-relationship scenarios (as diving into emotion does have it’s temptations) and I decided that this time, my heart didn’t need any of them.  Walking away from the machine takes real strength. Ending a relationship without the slash and burn, takes even more.

The real revelation wasn’t so much that I discovered something new (and unacceptable to me) about my relationship; it was that my eyes opened.  What I saw before was what I wanted to see.  As the song reveals, “I once was blind, but now I see.”  Through our relationship, I was given the gift of uncovering a part of me that I hadn’t known.  I gained a healed perception of him, of me, of us.  The perception that I had of him, of the circumstances, even the perception that I had of the me that entered into the relationship didn’t matter.  The only thing that mattered was the perception, the healed perception, that I now had. 

And I loved it.  Recognizing this healed perception in me was wonderful.  Instead of the Rubix cube flying across the room, I threw love.  It wasn’t “his fault” or “my fault” or the “world’s fault”, it was simply a new level of awareness that I didn’t have before.  And how could I possibly be upset over a higher level of awareness?  I was grateful for my new awareness, and with that, thankful for the experience that led to it.  And, a great blessing was my daughters witnessing a demonstration of relationship breakup that only involved honor and love.

A Course in Miracles spoke directly to me: “Healed perception becomes the means by which [I] forgive [my partner], and thus forgive [myself].”  This truly was my experience.  It was in recognizing this healed perception (me realizing something that was there all along but hidden from what I wanted to perceive) that I was able to fully forgive both myself and my partner.  I was able to walk away from the “break-up” dispenser, because in forgiveness—which comes through understanding—I no longer had a craving for that painful experience.  To which I said, “Ahh, that felt good, do that again.”

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Ellen Kellner is fully committed to learning more about life’s Truths.  Through her intuition, discernment, and often “hit yourself over the head” experience, she’s on a quest to find mindful solutions to life’s situations.  She is the author of The Pro-Child Way^®: Parenting with an Ex which can be found on Amazon and at her site http://www.TheProChildWay.com

Seeing Another Way: a father’s journey through divorce

“Nurture Your Child’s Spirit”…  over the years, this phrase has served as a guide to me.  It reminds me, no matter the situation, to put my child’s heart first, even if it means putting my ego second.  As my journey through mindful divorced-parenting has expanded, I’ve been blessed to know other parents who are doing the same.  Their varied situations, struggles, and challenges strengthen the call: “If I can do it, you can too!”  Here is Dabis Camero’s journey through divorce and through his own struggle to nurture his children’s spirit.

Dabis’s crash course in divorce, was filled with all of the typical accompaniments: emotions over a failed marriage, a legal system that drained him - both emotionally and financially, and a divorce process that fueled reactivity.  But as foreign as this process is to most of us, Dabis had the added challenge of doing it through the ears and voice of a Colombian.  Although his advanced education prepared him well for his professional life, navigating the divorce system through your non-native language must certainly be an added challenge.

“The separation was an ugly process of legal warfare where the lawyers took advantage of two people with poor communication (at the time) and total misunderstanding of one another. The most painful part was the suffering of the little children.  When the “experts” and “rulers” decided to administer the time between mom and dad; they did what they believed was better according to their experience and knowledge; no feelings, no love, no humanism. They assigned me every other weekend and every Wednesday night with my kids. After this ruling,  I started a custody evaluation through psychologists. And, after paying enormous amounts of money the final result of the evaluation was almost the same as the first arrangement…  in other words, I wasted my time and money.”

[The experience which Dabis described fuels my championing of divorce through holistic law: mediation and the model of Collaborative Practice.  The old legal system of divorce destroys a family.  The holistic system heals.  Knowledge of this alternative will cause more families to seek it out, and cause more lawyers to become trained in the methods.  I feel that this is so important that it’s worth interrupting Dabis’s story. Links to Cutting Edge Law, The International Alliance of Holistic Lawyers, and The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals is on my site.]

Dabis continues his story with the phrase, “After all of this I came to realize…”.  To a casual reader, those words may be nothing more than a phrase of speech, but for those who have experienced the pit that powers a shift in perception, those eight words strike a deep and compassionate cord…

“After all of this I came to realize that the best for everybody (the kids, the mother and me), was to adopt a better approach to the situation. No matter what the parents are or do, the kids will always love them and by keeping a negative posture and attitude towards the other parent you cannot create anything else but an obscure psychological impact in the minds and the hearts of the children. Therefore, two years ago, I decided to totally change my approach to the children’s mother and try to communicate and help as much as I could. In this situation, what is truly important is the kids and their environment; what is in your own mind and heart; and, observing who you are and how you react to everything that goes around. It does not matter who the mother is dating, what the mother is doing, or even what the so-called “rulers” of divorce are saying.  Everything is in your mind and your heart. This process is not an easy one.  You have to pay very close attention to what “bothers” you, ask yourself why it bothers you, and pay deep attention to all of the things that condition and have conditioned you.

“After these fundamental changes, the result has been a very nice environment for my kids.  I see them happier and cheerful, a much better setting from what it was at the beginning of the separation, where you could only see those little sad faces suffering from seeing their parents morally and psychologically destroying each other. Good communication, understanding, self-observation, and universal love for the other parent will always be more powerful and effective than what the divorce experts, custody evaluators, custody conciliators and the rest of the circus have to say. It depends on you to make the difference.”

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Dabis Camero of Pennsylvania, is a father of two pre-school children.  I thank him for sharing his story, in hopes that other parents can “decide to totally change” their approach too.

Author, Ellen Kellner, is transforming children’s lives through her intuition, discernment, and experience.  Her book, The Pro-Child Way^R: Parenting with an Ex focuses on mindful-divorced parenting. http://www.TheProChildWay.com

A Celebration of Divorced-Parenting

A Celebration of Divorced-Parenting: Part 1

I love being around my daughters.  As fathers and father-figures have come and gone in our lives, one thing has remained constant: the three of us.  With 8 years in age separating my daughters there is no denying that all three of us are at different stages of interests, conversations, and dispositions but somehow our small motley crew has morphed into the three musketeers - or is it the three stooges?  Whichever it is, it’s blossomed out of deep love - the kind that never ridicules or bullies. 

This tight circle of safety frees each of us to experiment with a side of ourselves that may be outside of our persona.  My older daughter, the quiet peacemaker (think Winnie-The-Pooh), has been known to wrestle, tickle, sing aloud, and giggle uncontrollably within our merry group.  My younger daughter, a gutsy smiling charismatic (think Roo) , has added meditation, imaginative play, and introspective dance to her repertoire.  And me? Well, I’m just enjoying moments of being where no eyes are interpreting it as “showing-off”.  There is tremendous freedom when fear of judgement is gone.  We’re all benefiting from that.  And I smile when I see these daring qualities being revealed beyond our walls, as I know where the confidence was born.  Sharing life with my daughters is critical to my soul.  My hope is that other divorced parents are kindling and experiencing this magic too.

A Celebration of Divorced-Parenting: Part 2

I love when my daughters aren’t around.  Except for 4 of the last 14 years, I’ve spent every Tuesday evening and Friday to Saturday period without my daughters.  These are the days that they are with their dads.  Earlier today, I caught myself remembering that it was Tuesday, and in realizing that I won’t have two human beings looking for dinner sustenance I went “ahhhh!” and my mind quickly leapt to possibilities.  Possibilities of me eating ice cream or cheese cake or nachos for dinner.  Or running to the grocery store salad bar and eating in the car.  (My possibilities usually start with food.)  My mind just breathed out, as I remembered the break in front of me.  (Never-mind that the one looking for sustenance today is my dog which means my evening will be spent running to the pet store…)  But the point is that in doing my errands I can play whatever music I want or drive in SILENCE.  Ahhhh!

The routine of Tuesdays and Fridays are waypoints; little stopping points along my motherhood journey where I can do whatever I want.  Last Friday what I wanted was to be in bed before 9.  Whoo-hoo!  The Friday before I wanted to attend an event that didn’t get me in bed till after 2.  Whoo-hoo! And in the times when a partner was in my life, I’ve wanted to share these times with him.  I can do and be whatever I want during these moments: from a lump to an inspiring ball of energy.  Having my alone time is critical to my soul.  My hope is that other divorced parents are rejoicing in these moments of solitude too.

A Celebration of Divorced-Parenting?

But is this the experience that you are having?  In your minds race against itself is your household filled with stress along with your kids and is it desolate when they’re gone?  I often read facebook posts and hear parents declare, “My kids are driving my crazy!”  And these same parents are posting, “another night being alone” on days when children are away.  Why is that?  If this is you, is it really your experience or is it just what you think the world expects you to say?  I don’t know your answer, but I’m willing to ask the question.  As Dr. Phil would add: “How’s that working for you?”  And as I would add, “How’s that working for your kids?”

If it helps to prod you on your journey, know two things:  1) I love when my kids are home; 2) I love when my kids are not at home.  It’s good for me - which allows me to make life even better for them.

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In-between jumping on her sofa and vegging on it, Ellen Kellner nurtures her children’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and experience.  More information on her book, The Pro-Child Way^SM: Parenting with an Ex, can be found on her site www.TheProChildWay.com

Mindful Divorced-Parenting:  What is Your Pro-Child Way?

Mindful Divorced Parenting: What is Your Pro-Child Way^SM?

Many people are touched by divorce.  How is it reaching you?  Perhaps a friend or co-worker is going through it.  Perhaps you’re watching with the eyes of a grandparent as your own child goes through the experience.  Or, perhaps it is your life, your experience, your reality.  No matter your distance from the divorce epicenter, it involves you, and now you, in-turn have an influence over its course.

So when faced with a divorce based scenario, what do you say?  What flows from you is worth your consideration, especially when children are involved.  Are you speaking the Pro-Child Way^SM?

Long before you respond to a matter concerning the divorce, it’s critical for you to consider the child involved. Simply taking the time to funnel your answer through awareness of this child could drastically alter your words.  As your co-worker is taking a breath while relaying to you his or her divorce-related episode, imagine the difference in the continued re-telling if instead of commiserating with “what a jerk!” you ask, “how does your child feel about this?”  Not only do you shift the course of discussion, but perhaps a shift is also possible in your co-worker’s heart.

With every divorced-parenting moment, you have the choice to either participate in the current direction or to guide it another way.  Whether you’re at the periphery of the divorce or at it’s center, your words effect the continued path.  This is always true: even when your ex is in the middle of screaming at you.

Nurturing Principle: A child needs love, patience, kindness, security, consistency, and consideration.  These are not reserved just for children who are a part of in-tact families.  These are not reserved for children whose parents are going through a “friendly divorce.”  EVERY child’s soul deserves this.  This Nurturing Principle should be at the heart of all discussions, choices, and actions along the divorced-parenting path.  But knowing this and applying it to specific divorced-parenting situations is often easier intended then actualized.

As a mom, you may want to give your child consistency as you navigate visitation schedules, but as your child is crying on the bedroom floor, how?  As a grandparent, you may want to surround your grandchild in love, but how do you express that in the midst of his or her divorced home-life?  And as the friend, how can you encourage patience when it’s your job to fortify your buddy’s drama? That feeling in your stomach may be suggesting a child-centered route, but expressing it isn’t always clear.  How do you determine that nurturing path?

Step 1: Consider what not to do.  Quick, when considering the Nurturing Principle, what would be the thing NOT to do or say?  “Visitation-shmizitation, who cares what my ex thinks!  I’m telling him junior wants to stay with me tonight!”  Or in Grannie’s dilemma, how about, “Come here pumpkin, I’ll give you all the hugs and cookies you need since your pathetic mom skipped out on you and your dad!”  See? It’s pretty easy to come up with what NOT to say.  Hollywood is a good place for inspiring “Old Way” scenarios but I’m sure your mind’s chatter can come up with ten in under a second!  The quickest route to figuring out what your Pro-Child Way is, is in recognizing what it isn’t.

Step 2: Shrug your shoulders.  In identifying what you’re NOT going to say, you’ve likely arrived at that awkward moment when you haven’t a clue as to how to proceed.  Admit it freely!  For it’s in that space of quiet unknown that you can hear the child’s heart the loudest.  Shrug, grab a coffee, meditate, go for a walk, take a long shower, whatever appeals to you, just give yourself the time to not know.  Never-mind your ex’s tapping foot or your co-workers baited breath, it isn’t their opinion that matters.  If you asked the child, she’d tell you to take all the time you need for her benefit.

Step 3: Speak the Pro-Child Way.  Using the Nurturing Principle as your guide, weigh your words.  When you speak it, will it show love to the child?  Will your words surround him or her in security as opposed to exposing her to vulnerability?  If the child were to hear these words, would she recognize that she was deeply considered? 

From a mom, “I hear that you want to stay here, but I also know that dad loves you very much and that you love dad.  You being with dad tonight is a good thing!  You know, we can think of each other and still have fun apart at the same time.  I’ll be happy knowing that you’re getting to be with dad. Now, come on it’s time to go.  Would you like me to carry you or hold your hand as you walk?” Or grandma’s reassurances, “I know that mom doesn’t live with you and dad anymore, but that doesn’t change her love for you!  I remember when you were born and saw your mom shower you with love and kisses, nothing is going to change that.  Right now, mom needs to be away.  And, because we love her, we’ll understand that being away from you doesn’t mean that she loves you any less.”

The Pro-Child Way^SM isn’t a set list of procedures or phrases laid out in a book; lists don’t take THIS child and THIS situation into consideration.  Only you, guided by the Nurturing Principle, can know the Pro-Child Way^SM for the divorce situation that’s before you.  The wonderful part is that it reveals itself, when you allow it.

What is the point of all of this ado?  For a child to smile.  But what if you’ve already travelled down the Old Way path?  The good news is that children are wonderfully resilient and acclimate easily to new attitudes - especially ones that make them smile.  All it takes is you making the choice to change direction towards the Pro-Child Way^SM.

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Mindful mom, thinker, and author, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way of nurturing their child’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and experience.  Ellen’s book, The Pro-Child Way^SM: Parenting with an Ex, details mindful solutions to 46 tricky divorced-parenting situations.

Disneyland Dad… and this is bad, why?

This past summer I was able to take my two girls to Disney World.  To those of you who have been blessed to see life through a little girl’s eyes, you understand.  The joy that I saw in my little one’s face with each new Disney experience was unparalleled .  From the first glimpse of Cinderella’s castle to the last Princess autograph received, my then 6 year old was enraptured.  And I, often with tear filled “mom” eyes, was so thankful for her experience. 

The mechanics of the trip were by any standard grueling.  I drove the 866 miles down and back.  We were at the parks for early openings and late closings, which meant even earlier and later nights for me.  And OMG, the heat and humidity of Florida in July is intense for this Pennsylvania gal. 

“It’s fun to go away, but it’s great to be back home”, is a frequent expression in our house.  But with this trip, we all agreed that it would have been great to stay at Disney forever.  Even with all of the extra work on my part, I’d gladly do it again and again.

I’ve been thinking a lot about “Disneyland Dad” lately.  I did a quick google search on this phrase, and well, you can imagine the eye-full that is written about this phenomenon.  And while I get that it isn’t always easy being the responsible parent who actually parents a child, I have a hard time understanding why it’s so awful for a child to have a parent that is all fun.  When we were at Disney, we had all fun and zero responsibility - am I to think Mickey a bad mouse for letting that happen?  Let me tell you, I gave Mickey a big hug for that experience.

And hugging is what my daughter does every time she sees her dad.  A big, running into his arms, hug.  I’ve yet to see any strain or discomfort on her face when she sees him.  I’ve seen many of these looks on her face when I’m in the midst of a parenting experience with her.  Should I be irked that my daughter always seems carefree with her dad? Should I begrudge him just because I parent? 

Actually, it’s no different then when her dad and I were married.  Generally, I kept order; he kept fun.  I remember looking out the window while washing dishes, smiling to see her laughing while being push by him on the tree swing.  Now that we’re divorced, why is it that this same division should be viewed as “irresponsible”?  The only thing that is different is that I’m no longer washing his dishes too.  (Can I hear an “amen!”)

I am a parent.  And as that, I do what I feel is right for me to do regarding my daughters.  Sometimes, that means I’m doing laundry or working instead of having fun with them.  But, what’s important is at day’s end, when I’m lying in bed, I feel content with me.  My ex’s parenting style is what it is.  It’s laughable to think that my opinion will ever change it and it does my daughter no good for me to give it a pejorative label.

Besides, what’s so wrong with my daughter experiencing total fun and zero responsibility when with her dad?  Just as she knew the difference between life in Disney and life after vacation, she knows the difference between life at dad’s and life at mom’s house.  I can attest that going on vacation doesn’t mean that you’re still on vacation when back home, and she has no delusions of that either.  So, when I see my daughter enraptured by her dad’s activities, adoration, and gifts, I can only be thankful that she is able to have that experience.  I don’t even mind that there may be extra work on my part for this to happen.  Both inside and away from Disney, my daughter is very lucky, indeed.

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Mindful mom, thinker, and author, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way of nurturing their child’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and experience.  Her “how-to” divorced-parening book, The Pro-Child Way^SM: Parenting with an Ex, is available on Amazon.com

Teaching Our Children Peace: lessons at home

My older child, who is now in the throws of high school, tells me weekly of friend’s traumatic break-ups and school fights.  She relays that her freshman class already has a reputation for being the ‘trouble class’ in the school.  Her classmates inability to resolve simple conflicts leaves her dumbfounded.

Not one to ever seek out conflict, I’ve smiled as my older daughter has gained more moxie over the years.  In chakra terms, we’ve declared that she has “found her yellow chakra”, and hopefully this personal power chakra continues to radiate in her.  I’ve never wanted her to confuse peace with avoidance of conflict.  “To thine own self be true” is a core lesson.  But, honoring your own truth doesn’t mean that you need to destroy someone else’s. 

My younger child however is a different story.  Instead of a quiet peacemaker she’s a budding mediator.  She has no fear of jumping into conflict and her dazzling magnetism makes her a voice that a room listens to.  (A rather stunning feature in a 1st grader!) My attention is now on her; hoping that I’m guiding her in a way that will take her gifts and channel them for healing. 

I learned through my divorce experiences that the lessons of my personal journey can be used to benefit others: starting with me and my girls.  So while I’m not overjoyed in continually experiencing “life lessons”, I can be grateful for the opportunities that they provide.  Most recently, the opportunity was to show my daughters that the absence of romantic love doesn’t leave hate.

While my older daughter had the opportunity to watch the process over the last several months, my youngest is rightfully more shielded from such goings on.  So for her, the end of a longer-term romantic partnership between me and a friend needed to be discussed.  I had flash-backs to the “we’re getting divorced” moments of my past, so my apprehension in starting the conversation with her was causing me to stall.  In lovely encouragement, my older daughter prodded: “Well, what does your book say you should do?” [Divorced Situation #27: Talking To Your Child About The Divorce]  And I laughed while giving her a not-so-mature rolling of the eyes.

At the end of my talk with my younger daughter, (which was filled with many 1st grade tangents about totally irrelevant things), I finally got out the message that I wanted her to hear: peaceful dissolution.  In simple terms: just because he and I won’t be holding hands anymore doesn’t mean that we hate each other.  And those words are re-enforced by what she sees as two people seemingly go on naturally with life.

(and yes, yes, for all child psychologists out there, I spent the next few minutes separating the love that may come and go of romantic partnerships with the love that is here forever of child/parent relationships.  geez, give me some credit, this isn’t new to me!) 

In reflecting on the talk, and in thinking about the high-school dramas, I had a moment of gratitude that maybe, through my guidance, I was able to take my daughters one step closer to a life filled with expectations of peaceful resolutions not destructive ones.  I don’t want them avoiding relationships out of fear of a damaging break-up - a fate that so many children of divorce are cited to follow.  Certainly their lives, and likely mine as well, will continue to be filled with relationship ups and downs, but with my shared practice I hope they can avoid the necessity to experience anger filled break-ups, seeking peaceful ones naturally.  And that is good; for them and for the world beyond our home.

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Mindful mom, thinker, and author, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way^SM of nurturing their child’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and somedays way-too-much experience.  Ellen’s book, The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex details mindful solutions to tricky divorced-parenting situations.

The New Divorce: Ready Parents?

Through my work, I’ve come to know professionals: lawyers, mediators, child therapists, coaches, and others whose doors are open to The New Divorce.  Many of them have seen the devastating effects of the Old Way of divorce and as healers and problem solvers, they recognized that a new way is needed.  And while that professional path is being formed, one thing is clear: it is best for all that The New Divorce be the destination.  Bitterness, anger, resentment, posturing, and lies are all unnecessary roadblocks in divorce causing much suffering to the warring families—causing much suffering for the children involved.  But while I’m thrilled to know that professional inroads are being made, I now look back at the families, wondering when they’ll choose this new way.

While new models of divorce processes are being formed, one critical ingredient remains elusive: the mindful, seeking client.  No matter how many new methods are put into place, it is all lost if it isn’t driven by parents who are determined to not fail their children in divorce.  How can the eyes of divorcing parents be opened to The Pro-Child Way^SM of mindful divorce?  Where the children come first; before court orders, forensic accounting, and support tied visitation. 

The professionals are ready for The New Divorce.  The children are begging for The New Divorce.  Where are the parents?

It’s a process of awareness.  It’s a parent’s inner awareness that there has to be a better way through divorce.  It’s an outer awareness of a parent noticing nurturing examples of divorced-parenting.  It’s an awareness that comes through seeking out practical “how-to” tools like The Pro-Child Way^SM: Parenting with an Ex book.  And it’s the awareness of a society encouraging peaceful resolutions instead of fueling their loved-one’s antagonistic divorce.  Combined, this awareness creates a knowing in parents that naturally seeks out a better way.  It becomes a heart guided conviction that leads to The New Divorce.

For it is only when parents exclaim, “I am not going to be led down that path of old divorce”, that The New Divorce professionals can do their healing magic.  Children are counting on their parents to change their environment for the better, and the path for doing that is through The New Divorce.

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Author, Ellen Kellner, encourages other parents to nurture their child’s spirit by seeking out The Pro-Child Way of mindful divorced-parenting.  Forty-six pro-child solutions for typical divorced-parenting situations are detailed in her book The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex, available on Amazon.com

Can You Determine “Fair”?  One mom’s unconventional look at child support

When times get financially challenging for my family, I can count on my cheering section to prod, “It’s not fair!”  They point at my children’s child support arrangement, judge it lacking against what they deem would be fair, and encourage me to jump on the “take him to court” train.  Twelve years have now passed since child support entered my life, and with my second child and subsequent divorce, the number of players increased.

Aware of my friends’ desire to help, I assure them that I am aware of the court formulas and protocol.  I suspect that my children’s support would look different if formulas were applied, but for me, child support is not a matter for the courts.  It’s a father’s choice.  And I honor that choice, independent of the outcome.  This I know, is best for my children.

I want my children growing up surrounded by love, love that is untainted by guilt or restraint.  I want their fathers to love them freely, not constrained by court orders.  And while I see benefit to my children when that love translates into their fathers’ natural financial giving, I don’t see a lack of love when it doesn’t. 

It’s my job, as my children’s teacher to show them love in action.  Love is recognized when they see the lunch lady smile as she takes a quarter out of her pocket, giving it to a child for milk.  Her love, which formed as generosity, is very real and visible to my child.  If it was this giving woman’s job to hand out quarters, her intention of love could quickly be obscured by the mechanics of her duty.  What a shame it would be if all day long this woman gave quarters to children who never saw past the duty to the love that she transferred with it.  In receiving child support, I never want my children to think that their father contributed because he had to; that it was his job.  I want my children to experience their father’s natural contribution as an outward expression of generosity, of love. 

But what of the lunch lady who doesn’t look for a lacking quarter, how do I teach my children about love when money is not given?  That’s where it takes special eyes, eyes that look beyond an expectation to what is really there.  What does my child see?  As she peers into the woman’s face, she notices a kind smile that shows the child that she understands his disappointment in the lost quarter.  She sees tenderness as the woman places her hand on his arm, in a sign of comfort.  She sees love, expressed through empathy.  And watching the boy smile back at this lady, confirms that all is well.  Instead of focusing on the lack, my child is able to see the bounty of love.  I want my children experiencing the many expressions of their fathers’ love, not focused on one expression where lack could be perceived.

My children are very lucky.  They have fathers who care about them.  And they experience the many facets of love that each father gives naturally.  This expression has been free to take many forms beyond child support, and I know by my children’s smiles that they feel the love that each father offers. 

But what if their fathers chose to not show love in any form?  In that case, I ask, “is it fair for my child to constantly experience un-love?”  To well wishers that assert that money forcibly given is better than none at all, I’ve experienced differently.  In small ways, throughout life, I’ve felt what it is like to receive a forced gift, or participate in something when I know the other person would rather not.  And I’ve learned that no amount of perceived benefit can compensate for that lack.  In honoring me, I know that the experience isn’t worth it. So, I look elsewhere with the belief that life is more than fair, it’s abundant.  When faced with this same experience, I hope my children will un-cover this same realization.

In days when dentist appointments, gymnastic lessons, horseback riding lessons, and toner to print out book reports require additional resources, it gives me another opportunity to teach my girls, and myself, about love. On occasion, I share my observations about child support with their dads, but it is done without threats or expectation.  In that freedom, I create the possibility for their dads to respond as they are inspired.  In that freedom, I welcome the abundance that may just flow from me, for I know that all is well.  And do I think that is fair for my girls?  Very much so.

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Ellen Kellner’s unconventional ideas encourage parents to nurture their child’s spirit, even through divorce.  Her book, The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex gives 46 specific Pro-Child solutions to everyday divorced parenting situations.

Change: a mother’s perspective

Many of us have grown up with the illusion that nothing changes.  In the American Dream, the picturesque cape cod home doesn’t have a “For Sale” sign adorning the lawn, it has a white picket fence. And, Norman Rockwell’s paintings didn’t include divorce.  But here you may be, facing these changes as you parent. 

Yesterday, I had the chance to walk through the National Gallery of Art with my teen daughter.  In looking at some familiar paintings, I gazed into a mother’s eyes with new depth.  I wondered if she enjoyed having her family portrait painted.  She looked so beautiful in her finery, and so young.  Flocked by her four children, I sympathized in how challenging it can be to get a child dressed, and I felt for this unnamed mother.  Standing next to her was a distinguished fellow.  Was this her husband?  His look was one of authority and considerable age, was he the children’s dad?  Did he participate in family life?  In a moment’s notice, my mind switched from an envious “ahhhhhh!” to a knowing “aha.”  I no longer saw a picture of perfection, but rather a mother’s attempt to create perfection for a portrait.  What if that mother had stood up and said, “Enough!”

There is no denying that my life has taken me through change and several moments of “Enough!”  Each one difficult, but as I considered this young mother’s life, I became grateful at the choices that I have had, which she was likely denied.  I wondered if her children sensed the distance of this older man.  I wondered if they realized the pressure laid upon their mother.  I wondered if their white picket fence, surrounding their country estate, was enough to shield them from the challenges of change.

I smiled at my daughter.  I have certainly removed any illusion at life’s unchanging ways.  My gift to her is the experience that life changes.  The real lesson isn’t in how to avoid it, but in how you respond to that change.

There is one concept that wasn’t captured in that painting: love.  Change has swept into our lives, but instead of weakening love, it has strengthened it.  With each new up, and with each new down, I’m given the opportunity to show my girls that we are all ok.  Through change, we can have new experiences, we can have laughter, and most of all, we can have love. 

Norman Rockwell, tried to capture this exchange of love in his paintings, but instead we, who observed them, chose to focus on the white picket fence.  Rockwell has one painting that shows love best.  It’s a painting that he completed later in life, perhaps as he too recognized that it was the love, not the setting to which he was attracted.  He titled it, The Golden Rule.  And in that there are no illusions.  For with each change comes the opportunity to show our children the perfection of love.

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Ellen Kellner is a student of change.  Her book The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex shows parents how they can nurture their child’s spirit through the change of divorce.

“Awww, I wanted Dad!” Lessons of Divorced-Parenting

Are you familiar with the scene in Austin Powers where Dr. Evil keeps telling his son to “Zip it”?  As soon as his adult son opens his mouth to speak, Dr. Evil is there to block it with “Zip it”.  “Ziiiiiiiiiip it!”  Yes, this movie scene is my secret to mindfulness. 

When my mind starts looping on some divorced-parenting ego thought, my “Dr. Mindfulness” jumps in with a “Ziiiiiiiiip it!”  With every attempted replay: “Zip!”  Not only is it effective in reminding me to knock-it-off, it’s also sorta funny and lightens me up.  My daughter appreciates it when I lighten-up.

Recently, Dr. Mindfulness had a chance to tell me to “Zip it!”  Thursdays are gymnastics days for my 1st grader, which means she gets to be a “walker” instead of a “buser”.  Upon seeing my daughter come out of school, I waved and smiled.  Upon seeing me, she responded, “Awwww, I wanted Dad to pick me up!”. 

“Zip it!” jumped right in at the same instant that “Nice to see you too” was ready to pop out of my mouth.  The paralyzing inner-voice competition kept me from saying anything.

In the absence of my speaking, my daughter, not sure if I heard her, repeated louder, “I wanted Dad to take me to gymnastics!”

“Zip it!” [and try to think of something to say!  …NOW!]

“Hi Sweetie! Brrrr, it’s cold out… [good start, keep going, address her comment!]...[Zip it!]... I know you had fun last week when dad took you to gymnastics… [good, keep going]... we can ask him again if you’d like.”

[Phew! Did it. Thanks Dr. Mindfulness!]

My daughter, in typical 1st grader “oh shiney!” fashion said, “Oooooh! There’s my friend that I play with at recess!” and the subject passed along with the many busses.

In the quiet of her peering out the window and waving to friends, I had time to think.  Dr. Mindfulness had done her job, and I was thankful.  Of course I’d love to have a “HI MOM!  I COULDN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU!”, but I know that she sees me all of the time, and with predictablility comes a bit of “ho-hum”.  I’m glad that I’m “ho-hum” to my daughter.  Growing up, I never had to exclaim joy at seeing my mom (although I now realize she would have appreciated it).  She was always there when I needed her, she was routine.  Now my dad?  That would have been very different.  Dad was a hard working man, rarely home till supper.  I probably would have done cartwheels in seeing him after school.  And that would have been a fitting response to a special occassion.  I probably would have been disapointed the following week in remembering that joy, and not re-experiencing it with a repeated pick-up.

It’s amazing, given the space to breath, what your mind can think about in an instant.  I smiled in the rear view mirror at my daughter.  I’m glad she enjoys spending time with her dad.  That is how it should be.

But I couldn’t stop thinking about her disappointment.  Yes, she was now perfectly happy peering out the window, eating her apple, but her flash of disappointment stayed with me.  I questioned what I did, or didn’t do, to create her expectation that Dad would be there.  I know my daughter will experience disappointment throughout life, but my “super mom” cape tries to shield away as much as possible. 

So I spent another second reflecting.  I re-played the rushed morning when I said “Gymnastics after school!” as she rushed out to catch the bus.  I didn’t say, “I’ll pick you up for gymnastics after school!”  My lacking few words caused her to experience disappointment.  Dr. Mindfulness was right to tell me to “Zip it” so that I could remember; remember that this had nothing to do with divorce.  I needed to be more mindful of my daughter in the morning, even when in a rush.  And with that, I breathed in and out as I drove out of the parking lot.  Sometimes the biggest lesson in mindful divorced-parenting is that divorce has nothing to do with it.

For guidance in “Zip it” mindfulness, have a laugh with Dr. Evil on YouTube.  And I bet you, “Zip it” will be forefront in your mind the next time you need it most!

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Author and “Zip it” mindful thinker, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way of nurturing their child’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and experience.  Her book on divorced parenting is available on Amazon.

Day 1 of Divorced Parenting

Day 1 of divorced-parenting is a turning point.  On your first day of motherhood/fatherhood, you woke up and smiled, realizing that there was an infant now counting on you to take care of her needs and nurture her soul.  Which you did, lovingly.  But on the first morning of separated-parenting you wake up with a stressed look that has long replaced your smile.  “How can I do this?” becomes a very real question.

Stay and linger in bed for a moment.  Put aside the thoughts about your divorce and focus instead on the child that is still sleeping down the hall.  That child, who you lovingly brought into this world, is still counting on you to provide for her and nurture her.  Stay with that thought as long as it takes for you to remember.  To remember that divorce doesn’t change who you are: a parent that loves a child very, very much—demonstrating that love through consistency, security, consideration and so much more.  Divorce doesn’t change that, and your child is counting on you to remember.

Think about love, your child, and your desire to nurture her.  It’s with those grounding thoughts that you can start Day 1 of divorced parenting with a smile.

With this remembrance, you can do it.  You can handle visitation exchanges, communications with your child’s other parent, financial matters, your child’s growing step-family, and all of the many divorced-parenting situations that are now part of your day.  Yes, your parenting situations have changed, but you’re still here to nurture your child’s soul and with that guidance, you’ll not only know what not to do; you’ll know what to do.

The good news? Everyday is a new day filled with the opportunity for you to remember who you are as you parent your child through life and divorce.  Every day is Day 1.

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Mindful thinker and author, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way of nurturing their child’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and experience.  Her book The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex is available at Amazon