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Change: a mother’s perspective

Many of us have grown up with the illusion that nothing changes.  In the American Dream, the picturesque cape cod home doesn’t have a “For Sale” sign adorning the lawn, it has a white picket fence. And, Norman Rockwell’s paintings didn’t include divorce.  But here you may be, facing these changes as you parent. 

Yesterday, I had the chance to walk through the National Gallery of Art with my teen daughter.  In looking at some familiar paintings, I gazed into a mother’s eyes with new depth.  I wondered if she enjoyed having her family portrait painted.  She looked so beautiful in her finery, and so young.  Flocked by her four children, I sympathized in how challenging it can be to get a child dressed, and I felt for this unnamed mother.  Standing next to her was a distinguished fellow.  Was this her husband?  His look was one of authority and considerable age, was he the children’s dad?  Did he participate in family life?  In a moment’s notice, my mind switched from an envious “ahhhhhh!” to a knowing “aha.”  I no longer saw a picture of perfection, but rather a mother’s attempt to create perfection for a portrait.  What if that mother had stood up and said, “Enough!”

There is no denying that my life has taken me through change and several moments of “Enough!”  Each one difficult, but as I considered this young mother’s life, I became grateful at the choices that I have had, which she was likely denied.  I wondered if her children sensed the distance of this older man.  I wondered if they realized the pressure laid upon their mother.  I wondered if their white picket fence, surrounding their country estate, was enough to shield them from the challenges of change.

I smiled at my daughter.  I have certainly removed any illusion at life’s unchanging ways.  My gift to her is the experience that life changes.  The real lesson isn’t in how to avoid it, but in how you respond to that change.

There is one concept that wasn’t captured in that painting: love.  Change has swept into our lives, but instead of weakening love, it has strengthened it.  With each new up, and with each new down, I’m given the opportunity to show my girls that we are all ok.  Through change, we can have new experiences, we can have laughter, and most of all, we can have love. 

Norman Rockwell, tried to capture this exchange of love in his paintings, but instead we, who observed them, chose to focus on the white picket fence.  Rockwell has one painting that shows love best.  It’s a painting that he completed later in life, perhaps as he too recognized that it was the love, not the setting to which he was attracted.  He titled it, The Golden Rule.  And in that there are no illusions.  For with each change comes the opportunity to show our children the perfection of love.

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Ellen Kellner is a student of change.  Her book The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex shows parents how they can nurture their child’s spirit through the change of divorce.

“Awww, I wanted Dad!” Lessons of Divorced-Parenting

Are you familiar with the scene in Austin Powers where Dr. Evil keeps telling his son to “Zip it”?  As soon as his adult son opens his mouth to speak, Dr. Evil is there to block it with “Zip it”.  “Ziiiiiiiiiip it!”  Yes, this movie scene is my secret to mindfulness. 

When my mind starts looping on some divorced-parenting ego thought, my “Dr. Mindfulness” jumps in with a “Ziiiiiiiiip it!”  With every attempted replay: “Zip!”  Not only is it effective in reminding me to knock-it-off, it’s also sorta funny and lightens me up.  My daughter appreciates it when I lighten-up.

Recently, Dr. Mindfulness had a chance to tell me to “Zip it!”  Thursdays are gymnastics days for my 1st grader, which means she gets to be a “walker” instead of a “buser”.  Upon seeing my daughter come out of school, I waved and smiled.  Upon seeing me, she responded, “Awwww, I wanted Dad to pick me up!”. 

“Zip it!” jumped right in at the same instant that “Nice to see you too” was ready to pop out of my mouth.  The paralyzing inner-voice competition kept me from saying anything.

In the absence of my speaking, my daughter, not sure if I heard her, repeated louder, “I wanted Dad to take me to gymnastics!”

“Zip it!” [and try to think of something to say!  …NOW!]

“Hi Sweetie! Brrrr, it’s cold out… [good start, keep going, address her comment!]...[Zip it!]... I know you had fun last week when dad took you to gymnastics… [good, keep going]... we can ask him again if you’d like.”

[Phew! Did it. Thanks Dr. Mindfulness!]

My daughter, in typical 1st grader “oh shiney!” fashion said, “Oooooh! There’s my friend that I play with at recess!” and the subject passed along with the many busses.

In the quiet of her peering out the window and waving to friends, I had time to think.  Dr. Mindfulness had done her job, and I was thankful.  Of course I’d love to have a “HI MOM!  I COULDN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU!”, but I know that she sees me all of the time, and with predictablility comes a bit of “ho-hum”.  I’m glad that I’m “ho-hum” to my daughter.  Growing up, I never had to exclaim joy at seeing my mom (although I now realize she would have appreciated it).  She was always there when I needed her, she was routine.  Now my dad?  That would have been very different.  Dad was a hard working man, rarely home till supper.  I probably would have done cartwheels in seeing him after school.  And that would have been a fitting response to a special occassion.  I probably would have been disapointed the following week in remembering that joy, and not re-experiencing it with a repeated pick-up.

It’s amazing, given the space to breath, what your mind can think about in an instant.  I smiled in the rear view mirror at my daughter.  I’m glad she enjoys spending time with her dad.  That is how it should be.

But I couldn’t stop thinking about her disappointment.  Yes, she was now perfectly happy peering out the window, eating her apple, but her flash of disappointment stayed with me.  I questioned what I did, or didn’t do, to create her expectation that Dad would be there.  I know my daughter will experience disappointment throughout life, but my “super mom” cape tries to shield away as much as possible. 

So I spent another second reflecting.  I re-played the rushed morning when I said “Gymnastics after school!” as she rushed out to catch the bus.  I didn’t say, “I’ll pick you up for gymnastics after school!”  My lacking few words caused her to experience disappointment.  Dr. Mindfulness was right to tell me to “Zip it” so that I could remember; remember that this had nothing to do with divorce.  I needed to be more mindful of my daughter in the morning, even when in a rush.  And with that, I breathed in and out as I drove out of the parking lot.  Sometimes the biggest lesson in mindful divorced-parenting is that divorce has nothing to do with it.

For guidance in “Zip it” mindfulness, have a laugh with Dr. Evil on YouTube.  And I bet you, “Zip it” will be forefront in your mind the next time you need it most!

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Author and “Zip it” mindful thinker, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way of nurturing their child’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and experience.  Her book on divorced parenting is available on Amazon.

Day 1 of Divorced Parenting

Day 1 of divorced-parenting is a turning point.  On your first day of motherhood/fatherhood, you woke up and smiled, realizing that there was an infant now counting on you to take care of her needs and nurture her soul.  Which you did, lovingly.  But on the first morning of separated-parenting you wake up with a stressed look that has long replaced your smile.  “How can I do this?” becomes a very real question.

Stay and linger in bed for a moment.  Put aside the thoughts about your divorce and focus instead on the child that is still sleeping down the hall.  That child, who you lovingly brought into this world, is still counting on you to provide for her and nurture her.  Stay with that thought as long as it takes for you to remember.  To remember that divorce doesn’t change who you are: a parent that loves a child very, very much—demonstrating that love through consistency, security, consideration and so much more.  Divorce doesn’t change that, and your child is counting on you to remember.

Think about love, your child, and your desire to nurture her.  It’s with those grounding thoughts that you can start Day 1 of divorced parenting with a smile.

With this remembrance, you can do it.  You can handle visitation exchanges, communications with your child’s other parent, financial matters, your child’s growing step-family, and all of the many divorced-parenting situations that are now part of your day.  Yes, your parenting situations have changed, but you’re still here to nurture your child’s soul and with that guidance, you’ll not only know what not to do; you’ll know what to do.

The good news? Everyday is a new day filled with the opportunity for you to remember who you are as you parent your child through life and divorce.  Every day is Day 1.

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Mindful thinker and author, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way of nurturing their child’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and experience.  Her book The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex is available at Amazon

Advice to a Bride on Including Groom’s Children in the Wedding

Dear Bride-to-be,

You thought you were a bride?  If you’re marrying a fellow with children, put down your bouquet and pick up the pom-poms because that’s what you are: a cheerleader.  The step-children (that will soon be part of your family) already have a family… and it ain’t you.  They don’t need a mom.  They don’t need someone else to tell them what to do.  What they need is someone who will cheer on a good relationship between their dad and them.  Using this guideline, it’s much easier as a bride (and future step-mom) to create the needed ‘tude that will translate into a smooth walk down the aisle and beyond.  So change your focus.  The children don’t need to be involved with you, they need to be involved with their dad.  And buy “packaging” them with their dad reinforces the idea that they are indeed part of the package, one that you’ve accepted and respect. 

Here’s what dads do at weddings and where you can cheer on the children’s involvement:

- Groomsmen.  Forget about having the children as YOUR attendants, they should be their dad’s (yes, even the girls).  Groomsmen are there to support the groom and share in a loved one’s special day.  Who would be better in this role then the groom’s own children!
- Groomsmen gifts.  Giving gifts to the groomsmen is a wedding tradition.  Cheer on your mate to include his children in the selecting, buying, and wrapping of the gifts.  And it’s ok if you want to encourage dad to “sneak” something extra into his “special” groomsmen’s present.  Have fun with it, letting the children “in” on that “unknown” extra that just may be inside the gift they helped wrap for themselves.  What child doesn’t beam at the thought of a surprise!
- Bachelor party.  A very honored tradition with a groom is the bachelor party - a night of fun before walking down the aisle.  Cheer on a special surprise party for this unsuspecting groom.  Depending on the age of the children, the surprise party could be held at the family amusement pizza joint or a more elaborate shindig for older children.  Be sure to invite all the groomsmen…  and, be sure to include the, “this isn’t college days” reminder.  Important: brides are not allowed at a bachelor party.
- Decorating the car.  As a bride, you may prefer to let this one slide, but this event is sure to please the youngsters: decorating the car.  Cheer on a collaboration between the other groomsmen and the children to arrange for some child appropriate creativity.  Save those soda cans, confetti, and soap and make sure a camera is on hand.  And be ready to laugh out loud in excitement as you acknowledge the handiwork, both theirs and their cheerleaders.

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Mindful thinker and author, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way of nurturing their child’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and experience.  Her book The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex is available at Amazon

Intuition, Discernment, and Experience: The Pro-Child Way of Parenting with an Ex

“When you come to each moment cleanly, without a previous thought about it, you can create who you are, rather than re-enact who you once were.”  Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsh book 2, chapter 2

This was my experience 12 years ago, as I stepped into the world of separation parenting.  I was shocked. It was all so new and unfamiliar.  I always knew that I’d be a mom.  I always knew that I’d care for and nurture my child.  But I wasn’t expecting it to be through divorce.  As the first separation parenting situation unfolded, all I could think was: I don’t know what to do.  And in that moment, instead of reacting, I chose to create.

In a split moment, I put together a full analysis of what it meant to be Me, a mom who fully loved her daughter; weighed against what I observed around me: tabloid filled accounts of children’s lives ripped apart by divorce.

“In any given moment you can do what you normally do, or you can do what comes naturally.  I tell you this: Nothing is more natural than love.  If you act lovingly, you will be acting naturally.” [CwG book 2, chapter 2]

I considered, what does it mean for me to be a divorced parent AND a loving mom.  A mom who wanted my child raised in love, surrounded by security, wrapped in consideration.

So I started my journey, alone with my convictions that what I felt was what I could also create: a way to nurture my child’s spirit even through divorce.

“You have come to this world in this way, at this time, in this place, to Know Who You Are – and to create Who You Wish to Be.” [CwG, book 2, chapter 2]

I knew who I was: a mother who cared deeply about her child’s well-being.  And I knew that I could translate that into Who I Wished to Be: a mother who cared enough to carry my convictions into my new setting of divorced-parenting.  In a sense, I was making it up as I went.  Indeed, in using my senses, the feelings of my core, I was creating a new awareness of who I was in this unfamiliar setting.

Through my intuition and discernment I created a new experience, an experience that continues to evolve and grow with each new unfamiliar situation.  So as I pave The Pro-Child Way, I continue: Making It Up as I Go*.

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*As evidenced by my original literary agent query letters, “Making It Up As I Go: Parenting with an Ex” was my original title of my book, with plans to have additional titles in the “Making It Up As I Go” series. But, the agents and publishing houses had huge problems in a name that, to them, meant a lack of credibility.  Last week, I remembered my original idea and thought that I should dust it off and start a blog by the same name.  Last night, in reading Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsh, I read God’s reassurance: “Don’t you see what you’re doing here? You’re making up the rules as you go along!  And don’t you see something else?  That’s perfectly okay.  It’s what you’re supposed to be doing!  All of life is a process of deciding Who You Are, and then experiencing that.”  [CwG book 2, chapter 3] Thank you God, for the reminder that all my ideas are Yours, it’s just a matter of me remembering that and having trust in who I Am.

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Ellen Kellner continues to Make It Up As I Go in all of life.  Her Pro-Child Way of mindful divorced parenting is captured in The Pro-Child Way^SM: Parenting with an Ex - 46 Pro-Child solutions for typical divorced-parenting situations which is available on Amazon.com.  She is currently smiling at hearing God’s reassurance in Neale Donald Walsh’s Conversations with God.

Divorced-Parenting Challenge: Nurturing Your Child’s Spirit Through the Process

What is the biggest challenge facing parents after divorce? It’s nurturing their child’s spirit through the new array of divorced-parenting situations.  Visitation, holidays, public occasions, extended family, behavior issues, and finances - a host of new situations that leave parents, and their children, grasping for the right way.  How is a parent to proceed? 

When faced with a divorced parenting situation, parents can take the time to mindfully guide their child through a nurturing solution instead of blindly pushing through their first reaction.  Mindful divorced parenting is for parents who wish to do more than “just get through it”, but rather wish to nurture their child’s spirit in the process.

This “The Pro-Child Way^SM” to divorced parenting recognizes that in every divorced parenting situation there are two possible responses: one that puts the divorce, the ego, and the ex first; and one that puts the focus and attention on the child.  By learning to quiet the mind, a parent opens the possibility for the nurturing solution to appear, and in doing so creates an environment for their child that is filled with love, security, consideration, and smiles.

Often the easiest step to determining the Pro-Child^SM response is to acknowledge the alternative.  What ISN’T a parent to do?  Here are some clues to get parents started on what they are not going to do in front of their child: scream, roll eyes, grind teach, glare, or slam the door.  When packing for a child’s overnight visit, a parent is not going to fill the suitcase with lots of tattered old clothes, sending a not-so-subtle message.  When a child’s other parent is late for the pick-up,  a parent is not going to mouth off to the child.  When a parent is at the child’s soccer game, they’re not going to embarrass her by getting into a cheering competition with the other parent.  When a parent is meeting the ex’s significant other for the first time, they’re not going to spew venom.

Why isn’t a parent going to do these things?  Because somewhere, deep inside, under layers of divorce hurt, disappointment, and sorrow, is a dim light that reminds the parent that there is a child.  A child that they chose to bring into this world.  A choice that involved love.  And now that the fog is lifting from the divorce, they’re able to once again catch glimpses of the original purpose: to love that child and have that child grow in love.  The spiteful, old way of divorced-parenting diminishes that love with each sigh, glare, and scream.

So once a parent recognizes in their gut what they’re not going to do, what next?  A good first step is to look at the child.  Looking at the child and smiling will open a parent’s mind to all of the nurturing possibilities.  Sometimes it happens in a flash, sometime it takes several days, but while a parent holds the image of the child in their heart, their mind will be guided to The Pro-Child^SM solution to the divorced parenting situation.

Through mindful, active choices, a parent chooses to pack extra clothes in the child’s suitcase, so that she is secure in knowing that all of her needs are right there in the pack.  A parent will comfort the child during the late pick-up, reminding her that she is loved even when traffic back-logs happen.  A parent will cheer along side the child’s other parent, realizing that they are both on the same team.  A parent will be welcoming and encouraging to the possibility of an additional set of arms to love the child. 

And through all of these Pro-Child^SM choices a parent will see the child grow… Grow in love, kindness, patience, gentleness, joy, peace, goodness, and faith that all is well.

With each divorced parenting situation, a new opportunity is available: an opportunity to nurture their child’s spirit.

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The “how-to” divorced-parenting book, The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex, is available through Ellen Kellner’s site
website: http://www.TheProChildWay.com
Twitter: @TheProChildWay
permission to repost with credit

www.loadedweb.com

“Daddy Said…” Handling Negative Comments, The Pro-Child Way

[I write this as a mother who has an ex and a daughter.  If you are a father with an ex, read “Mom” where you see “Dad”.  If you have a son, read “he” instead of “she.”  The thoughts are universal, regardless of the pronouns.]

“Daddy said…” has been an issue swirling around me lately.  Many moms and dads are listening to their child repeat words of anger, regret, and fear that were spoken by their other parent.  Words concerning you.  Words concerning your new partner. Words concerning the divorce.  Words that may be truth, may be false, but certainly not appropriate for your child to hear.  These are words that make your child uncomfortable.  And likely, they are words that make you want to scream.

And she repeats them to you, because she doesn’t know how to process it.  All she knows is that it doesn’t feel good.  She’s looking to you for the magic wand that will make it all ok.

In wading through this issue, there are many points to cover.  Many points for you to cover with your child.

1. Secrets.  Secrets are a heavy load for your child to carry.  How much time has lapsed since your child first heard these words of anger till the time she told you.  Likely, she carried it for awhile, debating if she should tell you.  In telling you, would that be betraying her dad?  If she didn’t tell you, would that be betraying you?  Your child, guided by her still intact memory of love, doesn’t want to hurt anyone.  But under the weight, she looks to you to lighten her load, and she tells you.  She’s taking a chance, and hoping that you are a safe place to rest her burden.  Open your arms and receive: lovingly, non-judgmental, and with a sense of gratitude that your child feels safe enough to share her secret. 

2. Listen.  Your child has something important that she wants to tell you, listen.  Don’t interrupt.  Don’t comment.  Just listen.  What she’s telling you may or may not be what was said by her other parent, but it is the impression that she took away.  Listen not only to the words that are being repeated, but also to how she says them.  This divulging is major for her and she deserves your attention.  Listen, and tell her that she is heard.

3. Smile in gratitude.  Separate yourself from the topic.  What if your child was telling you a secret not involving you?  You would be so relieved that your child finally arrived at a point where she felt secure enough to tell you.  She trusts you.  She trusts you enough to tell you even very painful things.  You should be very grateful that your child has come to you with this, and that deserves a smile.

4. Wait.  Don’t assume that your child wants you to respond.  Perhaps this burden was so heavy that she just needs to rest after giving it away.  Whether it’s in the next moment, or after a period of rest, your child will let you know when she’s ready to take the next step in healing.  Till then, your smile comforts her.

5. Separate her ‘tude from the issue.  When hurt, not all children react the same.  In relaying this message to you, your child may express her sadness, her anger, her resentment, her sarcasm.  But no matter the package, the gift is the same.  As the adult, your job is to know this.  Your child is fearful that your love for her will be diminished upon hearing her secret, and her walls of protection come in many forms.  Luckily, all of them are vulnerable to love, and that is how you should proceed.  Don’t get sidetracked with her ‘tude.

6. Tell her “you know”.  A secret isn’t a secret anymore if you already know.  Perhaps you don’t know the specific situation in which these words were spoken, but you generally know how your ex has felt.  “I know Dad has felt that way. I know that Dad has thought and said things like that, so it isn’t a secret.”  Go on to tell your child that she shouldn’t think that it is a damaging secret, because you already know.  “You can tell me if you wish, you can not tell me if you wish, but it is something that I already know, so please don’t think that I’m going to be angry or shocked or hurt.  I can’t be angry over something that I already know!  I’m your mom, and it’s my job to listen whenever you have something to say.”

7. Tell her “it’s ok”.  (“OK?!” screams your ego, ‘how can it be OK?!  Her Dad told her that I was a whore!”)  Whatever “Dad Said…”, it’s ok.  It is OK.  “I know Dad said that, and it’s ok.”  If the words were true, then it’s ok.  If the words were false, then it’s ok.  “Dad has his thoughts and he is allowed to have them.”

8. Tell her it’s not her job to defend you.  “I want you to hear me: I know that dad feels this way and it doesn’t effect my love for you.  It is not your job to tell dad that he is wrong or to defend me.  I love you no matter what, and I understand.  Don’t think that you need to respond to him for my sake.  I know that to get dad to stop talking, you may even say you agree with him!  That’s ok too.  I understand.  But, please don’t feel that it is your job to tell him otherwise.  Dad can think how he wants to think, and if he ever wants to change his thoughts, he’ll discover it himself.”

9. “I love you”.  Finally, tell your child how much you love her.  And that you are sorry if she’s been feeling down about this.  Important: you are sorry for any feelings that she had, not for what her other parent did.  If you say something disparaging about her other parent, then you’re just continuing the circle.

—-

Child: “I saw you at the restaurant but Dad wouldn’t let me come over because you were with your friend and Dad doesn’t like him.”

You: Smiling warmly, “Yes, I know Dad has felt that way.  And it’s ok.  Dad is allowed to think what he wants to.  I can’t make dad like him, and neither can you - it’s not your job.  We would have loved to have said “hi” to you, but I understand.  I’m sorry if that made you feel bad.  But you know what?  I know that you love me.  I know that I love you.  I know that dad loves you.  And I know that my friend loves you.  All of that is much more important then whether we say “hi” to each other at the restaurant.  Next time, you can either say “hi” anyway or listen to Dad.  It’s up to you and how you feel.  But, I’m your mom, and I love you no matter what! [pause while you see if she is done with the subject…]What did you have for dinner?”  Magic wand waved.

Likely, your child will be able to move on in childlike flare knowing that love is intact.  Likely, it will take you some time to recover.  Scream if you want to—just shield your child from your reaction.  Call a friend, not your ex.  And take some time to find your peace.

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Relates to The Pro Child Way: Parenting with an Ex. 46 Pro-Child Solutions for Typical Divorced Parenting Situations. by Ellen Kellner. Now available on Amazon.com. http://www.TheProChildWay.com All rights reserved.  Permission to repost with credit.

Divorced-Parenting: Through A Child’s Eyes

My youngest was with me when I received my printed book from the publisher.  She helped me open the box, she shared in my jumping up and down, and knowing that it was an eventful occasion, she got the camera and took my picture.  We had a great, whirlwind time.

After the mini-celebration, it was time for her to head to her dad’s house for the evening.  As we were walking out the door, I grabbed a book to take to him.  I could tell by my daughter’s face that she did not approve.  She knows that it is a book that ‘teaches parents to be better parents’ and she was not going to tolerate any suggestion that her dad needed to be a better parent.  My six year old announced that her dad “didn’t NEED the book because he is the Best Dad EVER.”  She went on to justify her position by declaring, “He lets me stay in my pajamas all day and watch movies!” 

New Chapter: Divorced Parenting Situation #47 Communication: “My Dad is The Best Dad EVER!”

#47, The Old Way:  This time, instead of me detailing the Old Way of reacting to this divorced-parenting situation, I’m going to trust that the pervasive reactive culture hasn’t skipped you and that your mind has already looped several Old Way come-backs… many of which probably wouldn’t be fit for typing in a Pro-Child blog.

But, what is The Pro Child Way^SM to this divorced-parenting situation?  After reading Divorced Parenting Situations #1-#46, are you starting to get a feel for The Pro Child Way^SM?  If so, YAY YOU!

Getting to the point where you are even THINKING about The Pro Child Way^SM is a huge accomplishment.

Outside my window is a quiet road that is on the “Student Driver” route.  Today, must be the start of a new session.  One student was driving slowly, unaware that his turn signal was on. Bless him as he navigates a new skill.  Another student didn’t respond to the stop sign till she was halfway through the intersection.  That’s when I saw the break lights come on resulting in an abrupt stop.  Bless her as she learns to coordinate her actions with her thoughts.  The whole process makes me smile.  Learning a new skill takes time, and concentrated effort.

#47, The Pro Child Way^SM: When hearing “My Dad is the Best Dad EVER”, at what point does your response match up with the stop sign that you are passing?  Stop sign = Smile.  Stop sign = Smile.  Over and over again, you need to practice.  Upon seeing a stop sign, you need to smile.  Of course the key to avoiding a disaster is recognizing the stop sign in the first place. Be on the look out and then respond in anticipation.  Because more important then the exterior of your vehicle, your child’s heart is what will damage as you plow blindly through it.  Stop sign = Smile.  “My Dad is the Best Dad EVER… we stay in pajamas all day and watch movies!”  Smile.

As you smile, your mind gets the chance to look both ways.  You get to assess all of the oncoming responses, and choose to proceed when it’s safest.  Take as long as you need for anger, sarcasm, bitterness, and sadness to pass you by, and wait for the response that is a true reflection of your child’s heart.

Smile.

“Yes, Love, Dad is the best.  I know sometimes you get to have a pajama movie day, and that you love doing that with Dad.” 

Smile.

“I’m giving Dad the book because it has your picture on the front and your name inside.  Dad knows I’ve been writing this book for awhile and he’ll be glad to see it in print too.”

By now, we’ve driven to her dad’s place, and as she jumped out of the car I could hear her saying, “Look dad, mom’s new book with me on the cover!”  And then it quickly got dismissed in her eyes as she next produced her much-more-exciting Christmas present for him.  All was as it should be.  Before pulling away, I relayed to her dad the “Best Dad EVER” affirmation.  This time, I could tell by her face that she approved of my gesture.

When married, it was my natural desire that my daughter would think of her dad as “The Best Dad EVER.”  Divorce doesn’t change that.  The benefit that she received then, is the same benefit that this thought brings her now.  I am here to support, encourage, and love my child, and I do that best by looking through her six-year-old eyes.  Today, when you find yourself smiling at your stop sign, reach down and put on your child’s eyes before proceeding.  This is The Pro Child Way^SM.

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Relates to The Pro Child Way: Parenting with an Ex. 46 Pro-Child Solutions for Typical Divorced Parenting Situations. Ellen Kellner. http://www.TheProChildWay.com All rights reserved.  Permission to repost with credit.

Christmas - Getting through it when divorce life stinks

This message is for all of those divorced parents out there that really would rather crawl under a rock then face Christmas.  In looking at the postings on Twitter and mindfulness blogs, there are many wonderful stories of inspiration and motivation, but what if you’re seriously too overwhelmed and just not in the mood for another “You Can Do It!” Christmas message? 

Divorce stinks. It isn’t a quaint cliche, it’s your life.  Divorce, especially when there are children involved, can be absolutely exhausting and overwhelming.  And that’s on normal, non-December days.  Throw December holidays into the divorced-parenting mix, and it’s that “one more thing” that you simply can’t handle.  And I’m not talking about the “woe is me” can’t handle.  I’m talking Can’t Handle. 

So what do you do?  Before you get your hopes up (or your gag-me-with-the-jingle-bells bucket close at hand), I’ll get to my point: I don’t know.  When the stifling weight of divorce had me in it’s grips, I didn’t know how I was going to get school lunches packed let alone Christmas shopping/outside decorating/cookie making/present wrapping/holiday party attending/Christmas Tree decorating/and pine needle vacuuming done!  And if you’re reading this, you’re thinking the same thing.  Worse yet? You just found out that your Ex’s house was decorated personally by Martha Stewart.  So, to your list of ‘why you should stay in bed’, you add feeling guilty over your being irked that your child is going to love seeing your ex’s house!  OMG, how can you just make it through till January?

To those sadistic readers out there who are reading this “just for fun”, let me enlighten you more about what real divorce can be like.  To those who are under the bed covers, you’d better skip over the next few sentences to avoid more negativity clinging to you.  In case “divorce stinks” doesn’t quite paint a vivid picture for you, here’s what some parents are currently facing - in addition to holiday parties at their child’s school: ... ya know what, I can’t write it.  Even thinking about all of the really awful things that some divorced parents are facing right now is making me really sad.  To all my divorcing friends: I’m sorry, it really can suck.

At one low point in my divorced parenting journey, I remember hearing Princess Fergie, The Duchess of York, relay how she was managing through her divorce.  My recollection of what she said may not be in-line with her exact words, but it was the message that I needed at the time.  She said (in my really bad memory mind), “How do I get through each day? Well, I lie in bed, not ever wanting to get up… and then I hear my children, and I think, ‘well, nobody else is going to feed them breakfast’, so I realize that I need to get them breakfast, which means I get out of bed. After I get out of bed, I have to walk down the hall… And that is how I get through my day, each must-do at a time because my children can’t do it alone.”  It sounded really powerful to me, especially in her British accent.

When I was growing up, Queen Elizabeth was my mother’s benchmark for EVERYTHING.  “If Queen Elizabeth can do it, then I can do it!” was her mantra.  I’d hear her say, “well, if Queen Elizabeth was at a party and was served this food, she would eat it to be polite.  If she could do it, then I can too (implying me through guilt).”  When I was about to give birth, my mother’s advice?  “Well, Queen Elizabeth gave birth, and if she could do it, I knew I could too. (again, advice through association.)  I’ve learned many in-direct lessons through my mother’s bucking-up at knowing Queen Elizabeth had “done it too”, and here I was, an adult, finding myself saying, “Well, if Princess Fergie can do it, I can too.”  I’m not sure my mom would have wished my royal inspiration came to inspire me through a divorce, but it is what it is.

Reality is a hard obstacle to ignore, especially when it’s red, green, blue, yellow, and twinkling on a tree.  Reality is that Santa Clause is coming, and that your child knows it.  Reality is that Christmas morning will be here, and as much as you’ll want to lie in bed and make the whole thing go away, you’re child will be up.  Hearing your child up, you’ll think, ‘well, no one else is here to do it’, so you’ll get up and walk down the hall.  The question is, what’s going to be at the end of the hall?  Did Santa skip out this year on your child?  Or, in some Christmas miracle, did you manage to get up a tree that is now standing above some presents?  And when you reach for your child’s breakfast, did another miracle of Christmas buns appear?

When life is really, really hard, that’s when the blessing of your child becomes so apparent.  Ok, I hear a really persistent dog can have the same motivational effect—well, sort of, but moving on:  your child can’t do it without you.  And moment-by-moment happens because there’s no one else there to do it for your child.  So, I guess, in spite of myself, I do have a conclusion to this blog.  How do you get through Christmas when divorce life sucks?  You get through it, because your child can’t do it alone.  And while the answer to how you’re going to do it is still an “I don’t know”, somehow you do get through it, occasionally lifting the weight long enough to see your child’s smile.  That’s part of the Christmas miracle too.

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Relates to The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex to be released January 2010.  www.TheProChildWay.com  Ellen Kellner, all rights reserved.  Permission to repost with credit.

Nurturing Generosity in Your Child

As this season of gift giving is upon us, it causes me to think about all the ways that we can encourage our children to be generous: generosity in Spirit, generosity in compassion and love, as well as generosity in giving.  In The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex introduction I declare, “My children are so important to me.  I want them to grow up in a world seeing other’s needs, not wrapped up in their own needs.  I want them to experience joy, love, compassion, and wonder.”  I know many other parents share this wish for their own children. But children don’t learn these nurturing attributes by watching popular culture on TV, it happens through your conscious guidance.  Here are some simple steps that you can weave into your child’s life.

1. Your Child’s Teacher, Your Child’s Example.
You can’t ignore the importance of YOU setting an example for your children.  Generosity can be witnessed by your child when you let a frantic mom, who is holding a crying baby, ahead of you in the grocery line.  It is witnessed when you let another driver go first at the 4-way stop sign.  Your child sees generosity when you take the time to hold the door for someone who is still far off.  Your child sees generosity in action when you rake your elderly neighbor’s leaves.  By practicing generosity, you teach generosity.  Add a simple comment to your child that highlights the effect of your deed.  “Wow, I bet that baby will be glad to get out of the grocery store and back home to eat.  Thanks for waiting with me while they went first.”  The result of being generous with your (and your child’s) time is that a baby may find comfort.  Your child can relate to this!

2. Ask your child “Generosity” questions.
Oh, I do love my children’s bedtime routine which often includes “bedtime chats”.  But these conversations are also perfect for the dinner table or while driving to school.  Once established, the routine takes hold and you’ll be surprised when your child becomes the caretaker.  Even young children can quickly blossom in their answers and awareness if given your nurturing guidance.  When starting a new Generosity question, grow it through patience.  Allow your child days and weeks and months of practice.  The point is for your child to be mindful of the question as she goes through her day, in anticipation of “getting to” share it with you at day’s end.  Remember that this isn’t a one-way practice: your child will grow from hearing your responses too!  Here are some questions to get you started:

- “Tell me something nice that you saw someone do for someone else today.”  If your child wants to tell you something nice that she did, acknowledge that she wants to tell you, but ask her to save it till later.  Remember to ask later!
- “Tell me one thing that you were thankful for today.”  Keep it to one thing!  It requires more careful thought as your child examines her day.
- “Tell me one gift that you would like to give to someone.”  Although I fully expect my 1st grader to wish for a toy for her “best friends forever” cousin, through my guidance and through the days, I’ll use examples as ways to expand her answers to gifts for strangers that we come across that day to people around the world.  In my own home, I’m excited to see this question progress as December marches on.
- “Who did you see today, that you haven’t seen in awhile, that you were glad you saw?”  My 1st grader reminded me that even she can miss “old” friends: pre-school classmates, old teachers, her parent’s friends.  We use this Generosity question after particularly social days.

3. Encourage a Generosity party
While the theme of these parties can vary, the purpose is the same: for your child to enjoy being generous with others.  No need to go overboard with special food, decorations, or favors – this party creates its own fun, just because it is.  Have your child invite friends over for a party anchored on an act of generosity.  2 or 3 friends are sufficient for a younger child, after school or on a half-day is perfect.  Encourage your child to “be in charge” and then let it happen.  No need to micromanage fun.  The point isn’t the outcome, but in the spirit of fun at coming together around a cause.  When my young daughter had her “earth day party” last month, she didn’t mind the nearly-empty trash collection bags from walking our clean neighborhood nor did she feel it was a failure that more leaves got scattered then raked in the backyard “clean-up” portion.  She and her friends had a blast.  The point is to take an idea, gather friends, and have fun.  Doing this when she is 6 may prompt her to do it at 7, 8, 9 and beyond.  I’m sure as each year passes, the outcomes will grow with her enthusiasm.  Here are some Generosity party ideas:

- Food bank party, where friends bring canned goods.  I know my younger child would want to decorate the cans with ribbons and bows!  It’s always nice to have the children hand deliver the items, making it less abstract.
- Animal shelter party, where friends bring pet toys and food.  Warning, if you take the children to the shelter, be sure to set the ground rules that no pets come home!
- Earth day party, this idea isn’t restricted to the calendar date.  My daughter suggested picking up trash, planting seeds, and raking leaves.  The time of year suggested that planting seeds wasn’t going to be very “fruitful” – so she substituted jumping into leaves.  Keep in mind that it is neither fun nor practical for young ones to clean-up busy streets or the county landfill! 

4. The Twenty Dollar Challenge
Here is something relating to money that parents can easily do with their child.  Give your child $20.  (The generosity starts with you.)  But, give it with the stipulation that your child passes it on in some way.  Don’t expect an immediate generosity filled answer!  Sometimes, Spirit takes a while to show the way.  Over the course of time, watch as your child turns from wanting something for herself to entertaining ideas for others.  Discuss possibilities, encouraging your child to see opportunities.  The recipient isn’t as important as the manner in which it is given.  Upon deciding that her twenty dollars be used to buy toothbrushes and toothpaste for homeless children (Spirit led her into a conversation about this need), my 6 year old loved selecting and paying for her items at the self-check out, and then topping off her gifts with bows. It was truly a testament that joy was included in her generosity!  To get you started, here are some other ideas:
- Buying a “flock of geese” at HeiferInternational.org
- Buying yarn and donating it to a retirement home, perhaps to later see the knitted finished products
- Given to someone in need
- Asking the guidance counselor or church if a youngster has a particular need
- Going to the mall and randomly treating strangers to hot pretzels

Teaching our children generosity is as important as teaching our children to look both ways when crossing the street.  Whether through small conversations or larger displays, there are opportunities at every age to start a generosity practice.  What is the reward to your child?  The smile that they receive and the quiet knowing that they belong to the community of the world.

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Relates to Divorced Situation #13: Holiday Gift Giving, The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex to be released January 2010.  www.TheProChildWay.com  Ellen Kellner, all rights reserved.

Rethinking The Holiday Divorce Schedule

As an adult, some of my favorite memories are of holidays.  If it was a holiday, my mom was on it.  You could mark the passing of time by the wreath on the front door, the centerpiece on the table, and the food in the kitchen.  While I went through the many changes of childhood into the teen years, and plowed on through two divorces as an adult, the consistency of my mother’s holiday celebrations stayed constant.  After forty years, we still debate whether it’s ok to switch-up the Christmas stuffing or keep to the traditional.  It’s a fun conversation, but I know that we’ll always come back to the traditional.  It’s more than food, it’s comfort.

So this year, my six-year-old was excited for the Chex Mix Making Day.  With her limited six experiences (do the first two count?), she has already come to know that Chex mix equals Thanksgiving preparation, which equals fun.  She set up four large bowls, mentally marking which bowl was going to be for which person, and then she poured.  3 cups rice Chex into bowl #1, #2, #3, #4.  3 cups corn Chex into bowl #1, #2, #3, #4 and so forth.  I could hear her humming as I was making up the buttery mixture at the stove (double butter, double seasoning a must!).  I know her dad will realize that it is not a slight that their portion doesn’t have nuts in it.  That’s the batch that travels with my youngest to Massachusetts with her and her dad.  She was going to leave out everything besides the Chex, but was persuaded that maybe dad would like the pretzels.  I’m sure he’d like the nuts too, but maybe next year.  The point isn’t the nuts.  The point is her joyfully humming through this tradition.

Every year, my daughters are away from me for Thanksgiving.  Every year, they are with their dads.  Every year, my daughters are able to experience a Thanksgiving tradition: their Thanksgiving tradition.  Just because it doesn’t involve me doesn’t negate their tradition.  Even though my younger daughter has only had two Thanksgiving trips to Massachusetts, this year, when I mentioned that she’ll get to go with dad to her aunt’s house again, I got the “duh” look from her.  It made me smile.  She’s a kid that knows what she’s doing.  In her short years of post-divorce practice, she knows that Thanksgiving means fun New England family-time. And the chance to watch 3 movies in the car while munching on nut-less Chex mix.  What will she be doing next year at Thanksgiving?  She’ll be with her dad, enjoying family-time, and eating Chex mix. 

Divorce didn’t deprive my girls of their holiday traditions.  My experience is now different then my older child’s, which is different then my younger child’s, but while we don’t get to share the same tradition, we do get to share the same effect: nurturing holidays.  It’s fitting that this year, I’ll be back at my mother’s table re-living my own Thanksgiving tradition.

When I was newly faced with creating a post-divorce holiday schedule, I knew two things.  #1: I knew that I wanted my girls to grow up, like I did, with a sense of holiday tradition.  That was non-negotiable.  #2: I knew that it would be good for them to spend time with their dad. 

Did I want them to spend all of their holidays with me?  Yes.  Did I think they would have super fantastic, Martha Stewart holidays with me?  Yes.  Did I pout at the idea of not being able to spend all of MY holidays with my girls?  Yes.  But realizing and acknowledging all of my feelings didn’t trump #1 or #2.  So, the only solution that allowed for both consistent tradition and time with both of their parents, was a designated holiday schedule.

After twelve years of practice, my fourteen year old knows what she’s doing every holiday.  She’s assembled a long list of holiday traditions ranging from Chuck-E-Cheese on New Year’s Day, Nutcracker the Sunday before Christmas, North Carolina at Thanksgiving, to egg hunts at Easter.  The traditions have carried her through childhood and continue as she watches her younger siblings do the same.  The fact that I’m only in some of these holiday memories isn’t important.  My gift to her is the ability to have these yearly traditions, in spite of having two parents that are divorced.

Whether you’re contemplating a holiday schedule for your child, or whether you have one already in place, look to see where you can create yearly traditions.  The goal is to create wonderful holidays for your child – holidays that are full of tradition and love.  Designating holidays allows for you and your child to repeat traditions every year.  (And not comparing it to the other parent’s traditions.)  Foster that sense of tradition, continuity, and security by adopting the designated holiday schedule.

A terrific effect of this schedule is that both parents seem to put more effort into creating wonderful holidays. Would Chex mix have become so important if my daughters hadn’t started being away from me?  Certainly not with the same importance or so many batches!  And I know for a fact that my daughter wouldn’t have had Chuck-E-Cheese New Year’s Day fun, had her dad not stepped up to create this fun to-do.  (I’m told that Chuck-E-Cheese is deserted on New Year’s Day, making it much more fun for both child and parent!) 

Growing up, I knew what I would be doing, year after year, for the holidays.  My daughters know, year after year, what they will be doing for the holidays.  While the family members present differ, the atmosphere of love remains the same.

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Relates to Divorced Situation #12: Setting the Holiday Schedule ,The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex to be released January 2010.  www.TheProChildWay.com  Ellen Kellner, all rights reserved.