Explaining The Visitation Schedule: 6-year-old child style
This week I made an important realization, courtesy of my six-year-old: she had no concept of when she was next seeing her dad. Not good. Really not good.
The visitation schedule has been the same for over two years: every Tuesday (overnight during the summer) and every Friday with an overnight till Saturday evening. Every night at bedtime, I recite what day it is, “Today’s Monday, which means tomorrow is (hesitation…) Tuesday. So tomorrow you get to see dad and sleep over.” Her Care Bears calendar also indicated the Tuesday and Friday visitations. This visitation schedule is also followed by my older daughter with her dad, so the 6 year old has seen, since her birth, this schedule in practice by her older sister. I thought I had my bases covered. Not.
Unfortunately, my six year old didn’t convey her confusion in a memo to me - which may have prompted a quicker response from me. Instead she chose the subtle method. A method, I understand, that is often employed by those of her generation. But finally, this week, I grasped that she didn’t have a practical understanding of the schedule. It was time for me to employ extreme methods of communication: tickling.
My daughter loves to be tickled: that fun, sort-of-teasing, tickling. Where the idea of being tickled produces just as many goose bumps as the actual event. In quieter times, we often do “back drawing” where I draw a cat or spell out c-a-t on her back for her to guess. Or, I’ll rub her back while reciting “Good Night Moon” before bedtime. With her, it’s all about the touch. So, I decided to touch my way through the visitation schedule:
Monday is represented by a poke. Strategically placed near the arm pit. Enough pressure to produce a squirm but light enough to herald the more intense Tuesday Poke.
Tuesday’s poke is strong enough that it produces the giggle. Tuesday lands right near the spine. And since, Tuesday is currently a summertime sleepover night, the poke turns into a frog leap into Wednesday. This finger-frog follows a generous sized rainbow, which trails all the way up to her neck and back down to the other side of her spine. The leap is sure to cause goosebumps.
The poking continues for Thursday, followed by the more intense Friday leap to Saturday.
Poke Sunday. Poke Monday. Poke Tuesday. Leap to Wednesday. Poke Thursday. Poke Friday. Leap to Saturday.
I’m sure you’re catching on much faster than my daughter wants me to believe that she does. When I “quiz” her, she feigns ignorance, prompting me to continue with the poke/leaping sequence. It’s great that the subject of visitation with her dad causes her to giggle.
Yesterday in the car, when the subject of “tomorrow” came up. I could see her drawing on her hand while mouthing the words “Monday”, “Tuesday”... By George, I think she’s got it!
As a Montessori mom, I’ve long identified her as a kinesthetic learner. I should have known that tickling was a much better way of teaching her than my visual approach of a calendar or my auditory approach of telling her. But, Alleluia! A way was found. This is good. Really good.
Relates to Situation #2, Visitation: Setting the Visitation Schedule, The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex to be released January 2010
http://www.TheProChildWay.com Ellen Kellner, all rights reserved
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Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 08/19/09 at 09:17 AM
Friday Nights
For the past 13 years, my older daughter and I have spent Friday nights apart. Every Tuesday evening and then again on Friday evening, overnight to Saturday evening – that’s her scheduled time to be with her dad. It’s a schedule that her dad and I have consistently managed, give and take a few special events. The Friday night schedule is one that has worked. My daughter knows exactly where she’ll be on any given Friday night. She knows that if Friday night babysitting plans come up or friend events happen, she needs to clear it with her dad. She also knows that all day Saturday will be times when she’ll roll along with the activities of her family: dad, step-mom, and three step-siblings. Whether those times include miniature golf or grocery shopping, it’s all part of being a family – a family that she gets to be an active part of every Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday. Likewise, her dad and I know what we’re doing every Friday night. He knows that his daughter will be there. I know that my daughter won’t be here.
With 13 years of practice, I’m quite used to my daughter not being home on Friday nights. With my second divorce, this weekly schedule was duplicated for my younger daughter and her dad. Friday night = girls with their dads.
Except last Friday. Competing events made it best for my daughter to stay with me. Her dad and family were heading out of town but there were two in-town events that my daughter needed to attend. I was home, so she was able to stay with me.
As our Friday evening progressed, my daughter and I became increasingly aware of how unusual it was that we were together on a Friday night. It was great. An ordinary Friday night became extraordinary just because of our awareness of how special being together was. I’m not making this up… I have a fantastic 14 year old. The evening started with us going out to dinner. We never go out to dinner. Sure, we get pizza or Chinese regularly, but not OUT TO DINNER. Special drinks, salad, bread, luscious food: Dinner. We kept remarking how strange it was, especially since my younger daughter wasn’t with us.
After dinner we did something a bit unusual, we went to a funeral home where I wanted to pay respects to my high-school teacher. My daughter was up for it, so she joined me. It seems misplaced, but we had a great time. We hung on to each other in the awkwardness of standing in line. I shared my memories with her as we looked at photos from my high-school years. I introduced her to school mates. I introduced her to the teacher’s family and talked with them. Unexpectedly, it became a reunion of sorts for many of my high-school teachers – some of them still teaching at the high-school where my daughter will be attending this year. I was glad to be a part of this memory experience and I was really glad that my daughter was there to share it. Indeed it was a unique Friday night.
When saying our good-night prayers and chat, my daughter and I reflected on our unusual Friday night and we both agreed it was good. I’m often reminded to take time and appreciate the present. On that Friday evening, it was hard to be anywhere else but right there, in the present, appreciating my daughter’s company.
Relates to Situation #2, Visitation: Setting the Visitation Schedule, The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex to be released January 2010
http://www.TheProChildWay.com Ellen Kellner, all rights reserved
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Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 08/01/09 at 10:47 AM
