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We Both Love You Very, Very Much

Every night, before going to bed, my daughters and I have a routine.  Whether it’s the 8:00 pm lights-out with my 1st grader or the later bedtime with my high-schooler, the day ends with the same predictable two questions: “You know what?”  and “You know what else?”

Even though I’m approaching a collective 6,000 times that these questions have been posed, the answer still warms my soul.  Some days, the answer is given in a hurried, rote rush.  And some days, it gets switched up for fun.  But it’s always there.  It’s there in their bedrooms.  It’s there in the basement sleep-over.  It’s there at Disney.  It was there before the divorce.  It’s there now.

Me: “You know what?”

Together: “Mommy loves me/you very much.”

Me: “You know what else?”

Together: “Daddy loves me/you very much, too.”

Together: “Mommy and Daddy both love me/you very, very much.” 

Me: ”So, you have a good night sleep, and I’ll see you in the morning.” Sealed with a kiss.

No one ever tires of hearing that they are loved.  And for a child of divorce, it must feel good to hear that their mommy and daddy are not separated when it comes to loving them very, very much.  This certainty even applies to teenagers.  Why?  Because it’s not fake or corny or forced.  It’s real love: constant and ever present, ending their good days and bad. 

And the love that is being given isn’t conditioned on the giver’s actions.  As a divorced mom, your modified response shouldn’t be: “Daddy loves you too… but not as much as me and certainly not too much because if he did he’d show up more, call more, and pay more.”  That ain’t it.  The love is there, even if the expression isn’t as you would want it to be.  “Daddy loves you very much, too” is confirmation to your child that nothing effects that love.  A parent’s love for their child is without conditions.  And your re-telling of that love should be unconditional as well: both the re-assertion of your Ex’s love and your love for your child.

The declaration of my love is even more important on days when it is my love that’s in question.  Not all days are all roses.  Sometimes there were tough lessons that I had to enforce with my girls, sometimes I just wasn’t in the mood to take another walk around the block or play Barbie, sometimes I slipped off of the Pro-Child path and made a mess of my child’s heart.  It’s on these days, that the reassurance of “Mommy loves me very much” was most powerfully felt.

So as my daughters head out tonight, one to her dad’s house and the other to a sleep-over, I don’t need to fret over whether the routine will follow them to their beds, because they know that this love goes on.  We’ll pick-up the count when they return. 

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Relates to Divorced Situation #25: Saying “I Love You”, The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex to be released January 2010.  www.TheProChildWay.com  Ellen Kellner, all rights reserved.

Mindfulness: The Key to The Pro-Child Way

What is the cinching element to The Pro-Child Way? Mindfulness.  It’s that moment where you stop reacting to your ex and let the stillness guide your heart.  It’s the breath in, before you say something spiteful about your ex in front of your child.  It’s the glance downward towards your child, before your eyes start rolling up in aggravation.  Mindfulness is an opportunity – an opportunity that opens your awareness to choice. 

Mindfulness leads to the other way: the Pro-Child Way.  Whereas another divorced-parenting path may have been previously obscured, mindfulness opens your eyes to other possibilities.  Your challenge is to be aware that this other path exists and then recognize the opportunity before you pass right by it.  Why bother?  Because you have a child who needs to be considered.

Thankfully, when it comes to divorce, we get many, many opportunities to practice mindfulness.  If you’re lucky, your ex may be a jerk several times before noon – all lovely opportunities for mindfulness practice! 

After the first “ex” incident, when you react with full divorced passion, do you find a moment when you think, “hmmm, maybe I shouldn’t have said that.”  If you do, grasp that moment: this is the call of mindfulness.  Reaffirm that inkling, by saying, “yes, I should have stopped before saying that.”  And then move on, this isn’t about guilt trips!
How much practice is it going to take to shorten the time between your ex’s provocation, and your realization that maybe you shouldn’t blurt out what’s on your mind?  If you can come to that conclusion in an hour after the crime, why not in 10 minutes, or in 5 seconds?  When you catch yourself reacting BEFORE you do it, not only will the angels sing, but also your ex’s mouth may drop.  That’s when you can smile.  That’s when you’re recognizing an opportunity for mindfulness.

So what’s next?  Your ex just said something and you’re standing there smiling.  Clearly, someone’s gotta do something next. This is the real beauty… you can choose!  The possibilities are fun.  In the flash of your smile your wonderful brain can create a zillion responses.  As it discards the ones that will land you in jail, the more caring responses rise to the top.  Slightly problematic are the times when the nurturing response is elusive.  It happens.  Here are two good standbys to have in your “do” list:

1. Do keep smiling, turn, and walk away from your ex

When you become better at multi-tasking, add vocal to the smile/turn/walk routine.
2.  Do sound “hmmmm” then smile/turn/walk away.

In your mindfulness, it’s much better to choose to say nothing than to react with an under-processed thought.  It really doesn’t matter if your ex thinks you’ve lost it.  It isn’t your ex’s opinion that matters anymore.  Your child will benefit from your practice of mindfulness, and you will too.  It’s from this point that you can start your journey down The Pro-Child Way.

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Relates to Words of Encouragement: It’s never too late to parent the Pro-Child Way, The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex to be released January 2010.  www.TheProChildWay.com Ellen Kellner, all rights reserved.

Homework

Along with a new backpack and a first day of school outfit, my 1st grader had another possession: her first day of school homework.  “Homework” was a serious, welcome word to my budding full-day-of-schooler.  She has years of practice watching her older sister toil over homework, and she jumped at the invitation to perform her own.  Her task?  To draw a picture of her family and complete a fill in the blank exercise.

Work took me away this past weekend so I asked my highschooler if she would be interested in guiding her sister through this homework.  Knowing that my older daughter preferred “to do” lists over empty time, she took up the challenge with pleasure.  While away, I received word that the homework was finished but details were going to have to wait till I got back home.

Upon return, I knew that my youngster would come first.  I sat down and focused on her.  First, she presented the drawing of her family. It was a huge, fill-the-page, sunny drawing of her dad (labeled “dad”), standing next to “mom”, and then “me” who was next to her sister.  We were sporting beautiful smiles and appropriately styled hair and clothing.  She made sure dad was wearing blue, me brown and green, with her and her sister in bright colors.  It was lovely.  Our three pets were also represented as three smiling animal faces floating in the sky.  Any psychologists out there want to explain that one??  She was proud of her picture and happy to explain all of its details.  Indeed, It was a picture of her family.

Next was her “All About Me” journal.  The sentence read:  One word to describe myself is ______.  What word would you write?  She put “happy”.  Yes, she is that.  I know God put her in my life so that I could learn to lighten up a bit.  My seriousness is often interrupted by her bursts of happiness.  She makes me smile just thinking about it.  The next sentence stated: My family is special because ________.  As a child of divorce, what are the possibilities with that sentence?  My smile continued as I read “because they take care of me.”  Yes, we do that.  Shielded from non-relevant life, her reality is one of security. 

Her homework turned into my periodic-term exam: the “term” being her life, the “exam” measuring my parenting.  I think the teacher should give us both a star.

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Relates to Situation #25, Talking to Your Child: Saying “I Love You”, The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex to be released January 2010.  www.TheProChildWay.com Ellen Kellner, all rights reserved.