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Raising Young Children to be Connected with Spirit

“Tell me something nice that you saw someone do for someone else today.”  A slightly complicated question, but with your guidance, easily understood by young children.  It is a question that I regularly ask my daughters; especially my youngest who is still learning to open her eyes to the world around her.  Instead of being wrapped up in their own needs, I want my daughters growing up in a world where they see others’ needs. 

My teenager daughter didn’t magically show-up one day at a therapeutic riding stable as a volunteer.  It took awareness.  Awareness that children existed with disabilities.  Awareness of the calming effects of animals.  Awareness of a place that brought these two together.  And, awareness that she could help make a difference through her volunteering.  An awareness in her that began with the simple question, “Tell me something nice that you saw someone do for someone else today.”

By my continual asking, my 1st grader now rarely pauses when asked this Kindness question.  “Tell me something nice that you saw someone do for someone else today.” Responses: A friend tying another persons shoe on the playground.  A teacher’s aid braiding a girl’s hair.  An eraser being shared between classmates.  A friend walking another to the nurse.  All are fantastic moments when Spirit tapped my daughter on the shoulder and whispered, “Look”.  She saw love in action.

The point of this “training” isn’t for my daughter to shine a light on herself, but once in awhile, I’ll follow-up with, “And tell me something nice that YOU did for someone today.”  Response: telling the bus driver that a friend was being bullied.  Yes, indeed, this was something nice that she did for someone else.  An awareness in her that someone was hurting someone else and then doing something to stop it.  Instead of observing Spirit, she became the vehicle through which Spirit acted.  She was love in action.

This week at church, this same 1st grader was amazed to hear that instead of giving money at the offering, the church gave money to each attendee.  Twenty Dollars.  A tangible blessing from Spirit, entrusted to each member.  The question was, what would Spirit have me best do with the twenty dollars?  While I didn’t know where the twenty dollars would eventually land, I did know that Spirit was giving me an opportunity to grow kindness in my young daughter.

So, I asked her, “What should we do with these twenty dollars?”  I loved her response: “Buy the doll stroller for me at the toy store!”  Hmmm… this was going to be a great journey!

With some guidance, and upon hearing suggestions from my older daughter and me, her responses have taken a turn towards some more Spirit filled possibilities.  “Some children don’t have homes.  We could give the twenty dollars so that a child can buy a house.”  I agreed that it would be wonderful to use the twenty dollars to give someone a home, but suggested we should keep searching for other ideas before deciding. 

She lit up when I suggested that we buy some gloves to pass out.  She liked that idea because she wanted a new pair of gloves.  Hmmmm… not the recipient that I had in mind.  Oh! I do know how wonderful it is for my daughter to receive and receive and receive.  Her eyes light up, she smiles, she even dances – fantastic displays, but this time, Spirit is being patient.  Through the twenty dollar challenge, Spirit is waiting to see her dance at Giving.  When we find the right recipient, we’ll know it.  I have no doubt.  Then she will see Spirit’s love grow.

I know that Spirit will continue to place in front of her acts of kindnesses; opportunities for doing; and an occasion to place the twenty dollars.  It’s my job to make sure that her eyes are open to see it.  Through her awareness, my daughter will see that by passing on Spirit, whether in the form of kindness or twenty dollars, lives can change and she can delight in its wonder.

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Ellen Kellner encourages divorced parents to nurture their child’s spirit in, The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex to be released January 2010.  www.TheProChildWay.com Ellen Kellner, all rights reserved.

Speaking Words of Wisdom: divorced-parenting language

When I attend a lecture, I always go with the intention of retaining a few items that I can immediately put into practice.  I find that by committing to a handful of small items, I can make big changes in my life without feeling overwhelmed by the whole of the seminar.  At the start of the seminar I write on the top of my notebook: “Take-Aways”.  Then, as points inspire me, I write down my list of Take-Aways to implement.  So, get out your pen to record your Take-Aways, as I offer these Words of Wisdom for you to employ.

1. Smile.  Before delving into uttering sound, I begin this divorced parenting journey by encouraging you to form your mouth in a way that turns upwards at the corners.  To some, including your child, this non-verbal mouth formation represents a smile.  Only you know whether your heart supports the outward reflection of this gesture, but to your child, it’s a reassuring sign that all is ok.  Be sure to engage these facial muscles when watching your child leave and return from visitation.

2. Tell your child that you and your ex talk.  It is important that your child knows that you regularly, privately, talk with her other parent: the good, the bad, and the mundane.  Not only does this reinforce to your child that you both care, but it is also very effective in nipping any “tattle-tale” problem that your child may have picked up.  “I mentioned to dad today…”, “Mom was so proud of you when I told her…”, “Dad couldn’t believe that…”.  These aren’t occasions to scold, shame, or bully your child or her other parent.  They are simple statements of inclusion.  You can only be an effective parent if you share the issues that involve your child.

3. Say “We Love You”. Does your child know that both you and your ex love him/her?  That’s a pretty big item to be left to chance.  While your actions are important, by hearing that he/she is loved, by you and your ex, your child is able to connect what she experiences with what she hears and this creates an unquestioning reality.  You can do this.  You can tell your child that her other parent loves him/her very much.  It isn’t up to you to judge this love, it’s your job to tell your child that it exists.

4. Mention your ex.  And make it positive.  Your child should hear you talk nicely about her other parent.  So, think of nice ways to include him/her.  “Ooo, look at that blue car, it looks just like dads!”  “That’s a funny joke, you’ll have to tell mom!”  “It’s 5:00, dad should be on the plane now.”  In your conversation, you should include the people that your child loves, and those who love your child.  In turn, your child will feel that her other parent is an integral part of her life – regardless of divorce.

5. Don’t let “Dad” become “Your Father”.  Don’t let “Mom” become “Your Mother”.  Your child knows that her parents are divorced.  You don’t need to constantly detach yourself from your ex.  Everyone knows that when you say “Dad” you mean “the father of your child with whom you are now divorced.”  The divorce happened, you don’t need to bring it into the present every time the opportunity arises.  In your world, your husband/wife is now your ex, but to your child, dad is still dad.  Mom is still mom.  It’s your child’s perspective that matters.

So, what are your Take-Aways?  Pick two and incorporate them into your child’s daily life starting today.  Perhaps one day, you’ll find yourself smiling (#1) and saying, “Oh!  Seeing that blue convertible (#4) reminds me that I talked (#2) to dad (#5) today about how much we love you (#3).”  It’s amazing what Words of Wisdom you’ll speak to keep love in your child’s life.

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Relates to Section 3: Communication, The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex to be released January 2010.  www.TheProChildWay.com Ellen Kellner, all rights reserved.

Parenting with an Ex: The Pro-Child Way Weighed Against Anger

Yesterday the question was posed to me by a lawyer, “When warring parents are seeking a divorce, is it useful to introduce the Pro-Child way?” 

While I wanted to exclaim, “Sure!”  My answer was more authentic: “I don’t know.” 

I don’t understand why a parent abuses their child, whether physically or emotionally.  I don’t understand why a parent continuously berates their child’s other parent.  I don’t understand why a parent’s anger towards life outweighs the love for his/her child.  I see these parents everywhere.  And, to this lawyer, she sees them at their worst.

Is it you?  Are you the parent that scoffs at the Pro-Child way?  What is your excuse?  I’ve heard some of them, and they usually start with the sentence: “my ex is a !#%@” and usually ends with “you must have had it easier than me”. 

To this, I always wonder, “So, if you’re ex wasn’t such a #!@%, you’d be a better parent? Why does your ex get to determine what kind of parent you are and, at what point did you decide that his/her offenses tipped the scales away from the love of your child?”

I know divorce sucks.  It was awful my first time around, and I certainly didn’t get remarried hoping to experience it again.  But, it happened.  If I were to experience divorce again and again, at what point would my scale tip away from the Pro-Child way and instead become weighted down by anger?  How monstrous would my ex have to be for me to justify screaming what a #$!% he is when our daughters can hear me?  Knowing that other parents have crossed this line, makes me even more aware that it could exist.

For me, it helps to have a benchmark: courageous individuals from whom I can draw inspiration.  Heroes who have persevered in the face of great adversity.  While they don’t erase the very real situations that I have faced as a divorced parent, by thinking of these people, I stay grounded. 

“I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart.”  Anne Frank

“You choose how to live.” A mother on Home Extreme Makeover who lost her son in an auto accident

“They know not what they do.” Jesus on the cross

If these individuals were able to go on without anger overwhelming their soul, I can too.  Even on the worst of my divorced parenting days, I am thankful that I don’t have to bear what these others have faced.  How about you?  How does the divorced situation that you’re facing measure up against these benchmarks?

Take another look at your child.  Every time your anger spills out, it is your child that is the receiver.  You’re driving your child to the doorstep of child-of-divorce statistics: suicide, drop-out, inability to have loving relationships, teen pregnancy, eating disorders, and more.  With each hate-filled comment you make, your child gets more afraid, more distrusting, more un-loved, more unworthy.  I know that the love for my children far outweighs any hate that I may have towards my exes.  And I will heap love, security, patience, kindness, and gentleness onto them in every possible way, welcoming any new idea that promises a path away from the statistics.

So to those anger-centric parents: I don’t know when you’ll be ready, but I’m here; standing next to your child, waiting for the moment that anger releases its blinding grip and you glimpse the Pro-Child way.

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Relates to Words of Encouragement: Know when you need help - lawyers, police, and mediators, The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex to be released January 2010.  .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)  Ellen Kellner, all rights reserved.