• Guidance
  • Blog
  • Newsletter
  • Articles
  • Ask Ellen
• Store
  • Book
  • Merchandise
• About
  • Contact
  • Speaking
• Links

Rethinking The Holiday Divorce Schedule

As an adult, some of my favorite memories are of holidays.  If it was a holiday, my mom was on it.  You could mark the passing of time by the wreath on the front door, the centerpiece on the table, and the food in the kitchen.  While I went through the many changes of childhood into the teen years, and plowed on through two divorces as an adult, the consistency of my mother’s holiday celebrations stayed constant.  After forty years, we still debate whether it’s ok to switch-up the Christmas stuffing or keep to the traditional.  It’s a fun conversation, but I know that we’ll always come back to the traditional.  It’s more than food, it’s comfort.

So this year, my six-year-old was excited for the Chex Mix Making Day.  With her limited six experiences (do the first two count?), she has already come to know that Chex mix equals Thanksgiving preparation, which equals fun.  She set up four large bowls, mentally marking which bowl was going to be for which person, and then she poured.  3 cups rice Chex into bowl #1, #2, #3, #4.  3 cups corn Chex into bowl #1, #2, #3, #4 and so forth.  I could hear her humming as I was making up the buttery mixture at the stove (double butter, double seasoning a must!).  I know her dad will realize that it is not a slight that their portion doesn’t have nuts in it.  That’s the batch that travels with my youngest to Massachusetts with her and her dad.  She was going to leave out everything besides the Chex, but was persuaded that maybe dad would like the pretzels.  I’m sure he’d like the nuts too, but maybe next year.  The point isn’t the nuts.  The point is her joyfully humming through this tradition.

Every year, my daughters are away from me for Thanksgiving.  Every year, they are with their dads.  Every year, my daughters are able to experience a Thanksgiving tradition: their Thanksgiving tradition.  Just because it doesn’t involve me doesn’t negate their tradition.  Even though my younger daughter has only had two Thanksgiving trips to Massachusetts, this year, when I mentioned that she’ll get to go with dad to her aunt’s house again, I got the “duh” look from her.  It made me smile.  She’s a kid that knows what she’s doing.  In her short years of post-divorce practice, she knows that Thanksgiving means fun New England family-time. And the chance to watch 3 movies in the car while munching on nut-less Chex mix.  What will she be doing next year at Thanksgiving?  She’ll be with her dad, enjoying family-time, and eating Chex mix. 

Divorce didn’t deprive my girls of their holiday traditions.  My experience is now different then my older child’s, which is different then my younger child’s, but while we don’t get to share the same tradition, we do get to share the same effect: nurturing holidays.  It’s fitting that this year, I’ll be back at my mother’s table re-living my own Thanksgiving tradition.

When I was newly faced with creating a post-divorce holiday schedule, I knew two things.  #1: I knew that I wanted my girls to grow up, like I did, with a sense of holiday tradition.  That was non-negotiable.  #2: I knew that it would be good for them to spend time with their dad. 

Did I want them to spend all of their holidays with me?  Yes.  Did I think they would have super fantastic, Martha Stewart holidays with me?  Yes.  Did I pout at the idea of not being able to spend all of MY holidays with my girls?  Yes.  But realizing and acknowledging all of my feelings didn’t trump #1 or #2.  So, the only solution that allowed for both consistent tradition and time with both of their parents, was a designated holiday schedule.

After twelve years of practice, my fourteen year old knows what she’s doing every holiday.  She’s assembled a long list of holiday traditions ranging from Chuck-E-Cheese on New Year’s Day, Nutcracker the Sunday before Christmas, North Carolina at Thanksgiving, to egg hunts at Easter.  The traditions have carried her through childhood and continue as she watches her younger siblings do the same.  The fact that I’m only in some of these holiday memories isn’t important.  My gift to her is the ability to have these yearly traditions, in spite of having two parents that are divorced.

Whether you’re contemplating a holiday schedule for your child, or whether you have one already in place, look to see where you can create yearly traditions.  The goal is to create wonderful holidays for your child – holidays that are full of tradition and love.  Designating holidays allows for you and your child to repeat traditions every year.  (And not comparing it to the other parent’s traditions.)  Foster that sense of tradition, continuity, and security by adopting the designated holiday schedule.

A terrific effect of this schedule is that both parents seem to put more effort into creating wonderful holidays. Would Chex mix have become so important if my daughters hadn’t started being away from me?  Certainly not with the same importance or so many batches!  And I know for a fact that my daughter wouldn’t have had Chuck-E-Cheese New Year’s Day fun, had her dad not stepped up to create this fun to-do.  (I’m told that Chuck-E-Cheese is deserted on New Year’s Day, making it much more fun for both child and parent!) 

Growing up, I knew what I would be doing, year after year, for the holidays.  My daughters know, year after year, what they will be doing for the holidays.  While the family members present differ, the atmosphere of love remains the same.

—————

Relates to Divorced Situation #12: Setting the Holiday Schedule ,The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex to be released January 2010.  www.TheProChildWay.com  Ellen Kellner, all rights reserved.

Visitation’s End: Understanding Your Child’s Needs

7:00 pm Saturday.  Visitation with dad was over and my younger daughter was riding home with me after an overnight with dad.  As usual, it was an action packed visit for her including a trip to Christmas Candylane, a birthday party, and fun with dad.  The excitement bubbled over during our short car ride home, filled with displays of new tricks learned and a running commentary of her adventures.  With my older daughter, I used to have to ease her into telling me about her day at dad’s.  With my younger daughter, I now have to ease her back from warp speed.

There was no way that she was going to jump out of the car and slide into the bedtime routine.  I knew that she needed some transition time.  Something between Go! and Stop.  It was my job, to see that her spinning-mind and on-the-go body got a chance to unwind.  So we took a walk.

There’s something nice about taking a “late night” walk in the fall.  A bit chilly, the smell of fallen leaves, darkness, the sounds of distant Hersheypark fun in the air.  Our dog notices the difference too.  A bit more cautious in the night, she walks off leash: liking the freedom but liking the security of her family even more.  My daughter’s mood settled into the evening’s stillness with every turn of the block.  While the chit-chat continued, it’s pace and tone became more in-line with the night.  By the time we returned home, my mind, the dog, and her energy were all better in tuned.  Now, she could get ready for bed.

At light’s out, my daughter scooted over in her princessey pink bed, making room for me.  “Lay down”, she said.  I did, and we stayed there for a bit in silence.  “Tell me what you’re thankful for today”, SHE said.  “Tell me all the things.”  I smiled.  I smiled for many reasons.  I was immediately thankful for her remembering to continue our nightly November question.  But, I was also smiling at her clever way of getting me to stay: talking about nice things, “all the things”.  She needed some “mom” time.  I was happy to oblige.  So I shared all the things I was thankful for and she returned the favor with her long list.  But topping her list was her thankfulness for her dad.  “Yes”, I said, “you are very lucky to have a dad that loves you so very much.”  She was also thankful for the Dora birthday cupcakes.

But it wasn’t yet time for prayers.  “Tell me something nice that you saw someone do for someone else today.”  SHE asked.  I smiled again at my little parrot who very much was enjoying her light’s out talk.  During her turn, she told me of her dad who took time to show a stranger the way to a ride at Hersheypark.  “Yes”, I agreed, “that was very nice of Dad.  I’m sure the person appreciated the help.”

She continued, “Tell me about someone that you saw today that you haven’t seen in a long time.”  Hmmm… this was a new one for us.  And while I was truly appreciating these thought-filled questions, I was also aware of the passing time.  I prefaced my answer by informing her that this would be our last question.  I then gave her time to tell me about the pre-school friends that she was able to reconnect with at the birthday party.  All of her experiences over the past 24 hours were given the quiet honor that was due.  She shared.  I listened.  I acknowledged.

We said our prayers and our “love yous” as sleeptime arrived.  As I closed the door behind me, I left in full realization that often, life isn’t as you planned: including, a quick bedtime routine.  But by taking the moments as they happened, and being aware of my daughter’s needs, I allowed magic to happen.  It was an evening that allowed for the transition between her father’s fun and her mother’s stillness, and appreciation for them both.

—————

Relates to Divorced Situation #6: The End of a Visit, The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex to be released January 2010.  www.TheProChildWay.com  Ellen Kellner, all rights reserved.

Divorced Parenting: Stepping Beyond Awareness to Create a Change in Consciousness

Divorced Parenting: Stepping Beyond Awareness to Create a Change in Consciousness

“I can’t believe I did that again.”   What is That?

Did you say something negative about your ex in front of your child?
Did you not call your child today, yesterday, the day before while she was at her other parent’s house?
Did you scramble from activity to activity, never taking the time to ask your child how she’s feeling?
Did you grumble as you bought another outfit for your child, noting that it would be nice if your ex would buy stuff?

That is pointed out every time you continue to do something that you know you shouldn’t.  Your friend doesn’t need to tell you that you should stop dis-ing your child’s dad in front of her; you are already aware of that.  A book doesn’t need to tell you that your child needs to hear from you when she isn’t with you; you are already aware of that.  This blog doesn’t need to tell you to stop complaining because you have to clothe the child that you brought into this world; you are already aware of that.  But awareness isn’t enough to keep you from doing it again.  And again.  You’re like a broken record, stuck in the same groove.  And it’s your child that is forced to hear that.

It isn’t that you don’t KNOW that you shouldn’t do or say certain things in front of your children.  It’s more to the point that you keep doing, keep saying, those soul diminishing things in spite of knowing.  And often, parents do so with a trumpet.  “I know I shouldn’t say it, but, I can’t stand my ex!”  Right.  You shouldn’t say it in front of your child.  But you just did.  “I know I should call her more often but I just don’t.”  Why?  Why isn’t awareness enough to make you change?

It takes a change in consciousness.  As one parent recently told me, he used to be an “absentee father”. It took years, but he started clearing away the fog and became aware of his old ways.  But through his journey of awareness, he still struggled with parenting in a nurturing way: making that call, sending that note, visiting his child.  It would take something else to change his behavior.  It would take focus on the Now.  Realization that Today, Now, he could make the choice to either continue to be that which he was or show his child who he is now.  Today he could call.  And if tomorrow comes and he didn’t call, then Today he could call.  And if tomorrow comes and he didn’t call, then Today he could call.  Everyday, we are given a fresh chance to make a change in consciousness. 

While his child may have questioned whether she was loved by her dad through her childhood, today, when he calls, they create a new history.  The next time I see this father, I will ask him when he last spoke to his child.  This time when he exclaims that he did that again, I suspect he will mean “talking to her”.  At that point, we all will know that he leapt into a change in consciousness, taking his child along with him on a new nurturing journey.

—————
Ellen Kellner encourages divorced parents to change their parenting consciousness in The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex to be released January 2010.  www.TheProChildWay.com Ellen Kellner, all rights reserved.