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Christmas - Getting through it when divorce life stinks

This message is for all of those divorced parents out there that really would rather crawl under a rock then face Christmas.  In looking at the postings on Twitter and mindfulness blogs, there are many wonderful stories of inspiration and motivation, but what if you’re seriously too overwhelmed and just not in the mood for another “You Can Do It!” Christmas message? 

Divorce stinks. It isn’t a quaint cliche, it’s your life.  Divorce, especially when there are children involved, can be absolutely exhausting and overwhelming.  And that’s on normal, non-December days.  Throw December holidays into the divorced-parenting mix, and it’s that “one more thing” that you simply can’t handle.  And I’m not talking about the “woe is me” can’t handle.  I’m talking Can’t Handle. 

So what do you do?  Before you get your hopes up (or your gag-me-with-the-jingle-bells bucket close at hand), I’ll get to my point: I don’t know.  When the stifling weight of divorce had me in it’s grips, I didn’t know how I was going to get school lunches packed let alone Christmas shopping/outside decorating/cookie making/present wrapping/holiday party attending/Christmas Tree decorating/and pine needle vacuuming done!  And if you’re reading this, you’re thinking the same thing.  Worse yet? You just found out that your Ex’s house was decorated personally by Martha Stewart.  So, to your list of ‘why you should stay in bed’, you add feeling guilty over your being irked that your child is going to love seeing your ex’s house!  OMG, how can you just make it through till January?

To those sadistic readers out there who are reading this “just for fun”, let me enlighten you more about what real divorce can be like.  To those who are under the bed covers, you’d better skip over the next few sentences to avoid more negativity clinging to you.  In case “divorce stinks” doesn’t quite paint a vivid picture for you, here’s what some parents are currently facing - in addition to holiday parties at their child’s school: ... ya know what, I can’t write it.  Even thinking about all of the really awful things that some divorced parents are facing right now is making me really sad.  To all my divorcing friends: I’m sorry, it really can suck.

At one low point in my divorced parenting journey, I remember hearing Princess Fergie, The Duchess of York, relay how she was managing through her divorce.  My recollection of what she said may not be in-line with her exact words, but it was the message that I needed at the time.  She said (in my really bad memory mind), “How do I get through each day? Well, I lie in bed, not ever wanting to get up… and then I hear my children, and I think, ‘well, nobody else is going to feed them breakfast’, so I realize that I need to get them breakfast, which means I get out of bed. After I get out of bed, I have to walk down the hall… And that is how I get through my day, each must-do at a time because my children can’t do it alone.”  It sounded really powerful to me, especially in her British accent.

When I was growing up, Queen Elizabeth was my mother’s benchmark for EVERYTHING.  “If Queen Elizabeth can do it, then I can do it!” was her mantra.  I’d hear her say, “well, if Queen Elizabeth was at a party and was served this food, she would eat it to be polite.  If she could do it, then I can too (implying me through guilt).”  When I was about to give birth, my mother’s advice?  “Well, Queen Elizabeth gave birth, and if she could do it, I knew I could too. (again, advice through association.)  I’ve learned many in-direct lessons through my mother’s bucking-up at knowing Queen Elizabeth had “done it too”, and here I was, an adult, finding myself saying, “Well, if Princess Fergie can do it, I can too.”  I’m not sure my mom would have wished my royal inspiration came to inspire me through a divorce, but it is what it is.

Reality is a hard obstacle to ignore, especially when it’s red, green, blue, yellow, and twinkling on a tree.  Reality is that Santa Clause is coming, and that your child knows it.  Reality is that Christmas morning will be here, and as much as you’ll want to lie in bed and make the whole thing go away, you’re child will be up.  Hearing your child up, you’ll think, ‘well, no one else is here to do it’, so you’ll get up and walk down the hall.  The question is, what’s going to be at the end of the hall?  Did Santa skip out this year on your child?  Or, in some Christmas miracle, did you manage to get up a tree that is now standing above some presents?  And when you reach for your child’s breakfast, did another miracle of Christmas buns appear?

When life is really, really hard, that’s when the blessing of your child becomes so apparent.  Ok, I hear a really persistent dog can have the same motivational effect—well, sort of, but moving on:  your child can’t do it without you.  And moment-by-moment happens because there’s no one else there to do it for your child.  So, I guess, in spite of myself, I do have a conclusion to this blog.  How do you get through Christmas when divorce life sucks?  You get through it, because your child can’t do it alone.  And while the answer to how you’re going to do it is still an “I don’t know”, somehow you do get through it, occasionally lifting the weight long enough to see your child’s smile.  That’s part of the Christmas miracle too.

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Relates to The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex to be released January 2010.  www.TheProChildWay.com  Ellen Kellner, all rights reserved.  Permission to repost with credit.

Nurturing Generosity in Your Child

As this season of gift giving is upon us, it causes me to think about all the ways that we can encourage our children to be generous: generosity in Spirit, generosity in compassion and love, as well as generosity in giving.  In The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex introduction I declare, “My children are so important to me.  I want them to grow up in a world seeing other’s needs, not wrapped up in their own needs.  I want them to experience joy, love, compassion, and wonder.”  I know many other parents share this wish for their own children. But children don’t learn these nurturing attributes by watching popular culture on TV, it happens through your conscious guidance.  Here are some simple steps that you can weave into your child’s life.

1. Your Child’s Teacher, Your Child’s Example.
You can’t ignore the importance of YOU setting an example for your children.  Generosity can be witnessed by your child when you let a frantic mom, who is holding a crying baby, ahead of you in the grocery line.  It is witnessed when you let another driver go first at the 4-way stop sign.  Your child sees generosity when you take the time to hold the door for someone who is still far off.  Your child sees generosity in action when you rake your elderly neighbor’s leaves.  By practicing generosity, you teach generosity.  Add a simple comment to your child that highlights the effect of your deed.  “Wow, I bet that baby will be glad to get out of the grocery store and back home to eat.  Thanks for waiting with me while they went first.”  The result of being generous with your (and your child’s) time is that a baby may find comfort.  Your child can relate to this!

2. Ask your child “Generosity” questions.
Oh, I do love my children’s bedtime routine which often includes “bedtime chats”.  But these conversations are also perfect for the dinner table or while driving to school.  Once established, the routine takes hold and you’ll be surprised when your child becomes the caretaker.  Even young children can quickly blossom in their answers and awareness if given your nurturing guidance.  When starting a new Generosity question, grow it through patience.  Allow your child days and weeks and months of practice.  The point is for your child to be mindful of the question as she goes through her day, in anticipation of “getting to” share it with you at day’s end.  Remember that this isn’t a one-way practice: your child will grow from hearing your responses too!  Here are some questions to get you started:

- “Tell me something nice that you saw someone do for someone else today.”  If your child wants to tell you something nice that she did, acknowledge that she wants to tell you, but ask her to save it till later.  Remember to ask later!
- “Tell me one thing that you were thankful for today.”  Keep it to one thing!  It requires more careful thought as your child examines her day.
- “Tell me one gift that you would like to give to someone.”  Although I fully expect my 1st grader to wish for a toy for her “best friends forever” cousin, through my guidance and through the days, I’ll use examples as ways to expand her answers to gifts for strangers that we come across that day to people around the world.  In my own home, I’m excited to see this question progress as December marches on.
- “Who did you see today, that you haven’t seen in awhile, that you were glad you saw?”  My 1st grader reminded me that even she can miss “old” friends: pre-school classmates, old teachers, her parent’s friends.  We use this Generosity question after particularly social days.

3. Encourage a Generosity party
While the theme of these parties can vary, the purpose is the same: for your child to enjoy being generous with others.  No need to go overboard with special food, decorations, or favors – this party creates its own fun, just because it is.  Have your child invite friends over for a party anchored on an act of generosity.  2 or 3 friends are sufficient for a younger child, after school or on a half-day is perfect.  Encourage your child to “be in charge” and then let it happen.  No need to micromanage fun.  The point isn’t the outcome, but in the spirit of fun at coming together around a cause.  When my young daughter had her “earth day party” last month, she didn’t mind the nearly-empty trash collection bags from walking our clean neighborhood nor did she feel it was a failure that more leaves got scattered then raked in the backyard “clean-up” portion.  She and her friends had a blast.  The point is to take an idea, gather friends, and have fun.  Doing this when she is 6 may prompt her to do it at 7, 8, 9 and beyond.  I’m sure as each year passes, the outcomes will grow with her enthusiasm.  Here are some Generosity party ideas:

- Food bank party, where friends bring canned goods.  I know my younger child would want to decorate the cans with ribbons and bows!  It’s always nice to have the children hand deliver the items, making it less abstract.
- Animal shelter party, where friends bring pet toys and food.  Warning, if you take the children to the shelter, be sure to set the ground rules that no pets come home!
- Earth day party, this idea isn’t restricted to the calendar date.  My daughter suggested picking up trash, planting seeds, and raking leaves.  The time of year suggested that planting seeds wasn’t going to be very “fruitful” – so she substituted jumping into leaves.  Keep in mind that it is neither fun nor practical for young ones to clean-up busy streets or the county landfill! 

4. The Twenty Dollar Challenge
Here is something relating to money that parents can easily do with their child.  Give your child $20.  (The generosity starts with you.)  But, give it with the stipulation that your child passes it on in some way.  Don’t expect an immediate generosity filled answer!  Sometimes, Spirit takes a while to show the way.  Over the course of time, watch as your child turns from wanting something for herself to entertaining ideas for others.  Discuss possibilities, encouraging your child to see opportunities.  The recipient isn’t as important as the manner in which it is given.  Upon deciding that her twenty dollars be used to buy toothbrushes and toothpaste for homeless children (Spirit led her into a conversation about this need), my 6 year old loved selecting and paying for her items at the self-check out, and then topping off her gifts with bows. It was truly a testament that joy was included in her generosity!  To get you started, here are some other ideas:
- Buying a “flock of geese” at HeiferInternational.org
- Buying yarn and donating it to a retirement home, perhaps to later see the knitted finished products
- Given to someone in need
- Asking the guidance counselor or church if a youngster has a particular need
- Going to the mall and randomly treating strangers to hot pretzels

Teaching our children generosity is as important as teaching our children to look both ways when crossing the street.  Whether through small conversations or larger displays, there are opportunities at every age to start a generosity practice.  What is the reward to your child?  The smile that they receive and the quiet knowing that they belong to the community of the world.

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Relates to Divorced Situation #13: Holiday Gift Giving, The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex to be released January 2010.  www.TheProChildWay.com  Ellen Kellner, all rights reserved.