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Divorced-Parenting Challenge: Nurturing Your Child’s Spirit Through the Process

What is the biggest challenge facing parents after divorce? It’s nurturing their child’s spirit through the new array of divorced-parenting situations.  Visitation, holidays, public occasions, extended family, behavior issues, and finances - a host of new situations that leave parents, and their children, grasping for the right way.  How is a parent to proceed? 

When faced with a divorced parenting situation, parents can take the time to mindfully guide their child through a nurturing solution instead of blindly pushing through their first reaction.  Mindful divorced parenting is for parents who wish to do more than “just get through it”, but rather wish to nurture their child’s spirit in the process.

This “Pro-Child Way^®” to divorced parenting recognizes that in every divorced parenting situation there are two possible responses: one that puts the divorce, the ego, and the ex first; and one that puts the focus and attention on the child.  By learning to quiet the mind, a parent opens the possibility for the nurturing solution to appear, and in doing so creates an environment for their child that is filled with love, security, consideration, and smiles.

Often the easiest step to determining the Pro-Child response is to acknowledge the alternative.  What ISN’T a parent to do?  Here are some clues to get parents started on what they are not going to do in front of their child: scream, roll eyes, grind teach, glare, or slam the door.  When packing for a child’s overnight visit, a parent is not going to fill the suitcase with lots of tattered old clothes, sending a not-so-subtle message.  When a child’s other parent is late for the pick-up,  a parent is not going to mouth off to the child.  When a parent is at the child’s soccer game, they’re not going to embarrass her by getting into a cheering competition with the other parent.  When a parent is meeting the ex’s significant other for the first time, they’re not going to spew venom.

Why isn’t a parent going to do these things?  Because somewhere, deep inside, under layers of divorce hurt, disappointment, and sorrow, is a dim light that reminds the parent that there is a child.  A child that they chose to bring into this world.  A choice that involved love.  And now that the fog is lifting from the divorce, they’re able to once again catch glimpses of the original purpose: to love that child and have that child grow in love.  The spiteful, old way of divorced-parenting diminishes that love with each sigh, glare, and scream.

So once a parent recognizes in their gut what they’re not going to do, what next?  A good first step is to look at the child.  Looking at the child and smiling will open a parent’s mind to all of the nurturing possibilities.  Sometimes it happens in a flash, sometime it takes several days, but while a parent holds the image of the child in their heart, their mind will be guided to the Pro-Child solution to the divorced parenting situation.

Through mindful, active choices, a parent chooses to pack extra clothes in the child’s suitcase, so that she is secure in knowing that all of her needs are right there in the pack.  A parent will comfort the child during the late pick-up, reminding her that she is loved even when traffic back-logs happen.  A parent will cheer along side the child’s other parent, realizing that they are both on the same team.  A parent will be welcoming and encouraging to the possibility of an additional set of arms to love the child. 

And through all of these Pro-Child choices a parent will see the child grow… Grow in love, kindness, patience, gentleness, joy, peace, goodness, and faith that all is well.

With each divorced parenting situation, a new opportunity is available: an opportunity to nurture their child’s spirit.

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The “how-to” divorced-parenting book, The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex, is available through Ellen Kellner’s site
website: http://www.TheProChildWay.com
Twitter: @TheProChildWay
permission to repost with credit

www.loadedweb.com

“Daddy Said…” Handling Negative Comments, The Pro-Child Way

[I write this as a mother who has an ex and a daughter.  If you are a father with an ex, read “Mom” where you see “Dad”.  If you have a son, read “he” instead of “she.”  The thoughts are universal, regardless of the pronouns.]

“Daddy said…” has been an issue swirling around me lately.  Many moms and dads are listening to their child repeat words of anger, regret, and fear that were spoken by their other parent.  Words concerning you.  Words concerning your new partner. Words concerning the divorce.  Words that may be truth, may be false, but certainly not appropriate for your child to hear.  These are words that make your child uncomfortable.  And likely, they are words that make you want to scream.

And she repeats them to you, because she doesn’t know how to process it.  All she knows is that it doesn’t feel good.  She’s looking to you for the magic wand that will make it all ok.

In wading through this issue, there are many points to cover.  Many points for you to cover with your child.

1. Secrets.  Secrets are a heavy load for your child to carry.  How much time has lapsed since your child first heard these words of anger till the time she told you.  Likely, she carried it for awhile, debating if she should tell you.  In telling you, would that be betraying her dad?  If she didn’t tell you, would that be betraying you?  Your child, guided by her still intact memory of love, doesn’t want to hurt anyone.  But under the weight, she looks to you to lighten her load, and she tells you.  She’s taking a chance, and hoping that you are a safe place to rest her burden.  Open your arms and receive: lovingly, non-judgmental, and with a sense of gratitude that your child feels safe enough to share her secret. 

2. Listen.  Your child has something important that she wants to tell you, listen.  Don’t interrupt.  Don’t comment.  Just listen.  What she’s telling you may or may not be what was said by her other parent, but it is the impression that she took away.  Listen not only to the words that are being repeated, but also to how she says them.  This divulging is major for her and she deserves your attention.  Listen, and tell her that she is heard.

3. Smile in gratitude.  Separate yourself from the topic.  What if your child was telling you a secret not involving you?  You would be so relieved that your child finally arrived at a point where she felt secure enough to tell you.  She trusts you.  She trusts you enough to tell you even very painful things.  You should be very grateful that your child has come to you with this, and that deserves a smile.

4. Wait.  Don’t assume that your child wants you to respond.  Perhaps this burden was so heavy that she just needs to rest after giving it away.  Whether it’s in the next moment, or after a period of rest, your child will let you know when she’s ready to take the next step in healing.  Till then, your smile comforts her.

5. Separate her ‘tude from the issue.  When hurt, not all children react the same.  In relaying this message to you, your child may express her sadness, her anger, her resentment, her sarcasm.  But no matter the package, the gift is the same.  As the adult, your job is to know this.  Your child is fearful that your love for her will be diminished upon hearing her secret, and her walls of protection come in many forms.  Luckily, all of them are vulnerable to love, and that is how you should proceed.  Don’t get sidetracked with her ‘tude.

6. Tell her “you know”.  A secret isn’t a secret anymore if you already know.  Perhaps you don’t know the specific situation in which these words were spoken, but you generally know how your ex has felt.  “I know Dad has felt that way. I know that Dad has thought and said things like that, so it isn’t a secret.”  Go on to tell your child that she shouldn’t think that it is a damaging secret, because you already know.  “You can tell me if you wish, you can not tell me if you wish, but it is something that I already know, so please don’t think that I’m going to be angry or shocked or hurt.  I can’t be angry over something that I already know!  I’m your mom, and it’s my job to listen whenever you have something to say.”

7. Tell her “it’s ok”.  (“OK?!” screams your ego, ‘how can it be OK?!  Her Dad told her that I was a whore!”)  Whatever “Dad Said…”, it’s ok.  It is OK.  “I know Dad said that, and it’s ok.”  If the words were true, then it’s ok.  If the words were false, then it’s ok.  “Dad has his thoughts and he is allowed to have them.”

8. Tell her it’s not her job to defend you.  “I want you to hear me: I know that dad feels this way and it doesn’t effect my love for you.  It is not your job to tell dad that he is wrong or to defend me.  I love you no matter what, and I understand.  Don’t think that you need to respond to him for my sake.  I know that to get dad to stop talking, you may even say you agree with him!  That’s ok too.  I understand.  But, please don’t feel that it is your job to tell him otherwise.  Dad can think how he wants to think, and if he ever wants to change his thoughts, he’ll discover it himself.”

9. “I love you”.  Finally, tell your child how much you love her.  And that you are sorry if she’s been feeling down about this.  Important: you are sorry for any feelings that she had, not for what her other parent did.  If you say something disparaging about her other parent, then you’re just continuing the circle.

—-

Child: “I saw you at the restaurant but Dad wouldn’t let me come over because you were with your friend and Dad doesn’t like him.”

You: Smiling warmly, “Yes, I know Dad has felt that way.  And it’s ok.  Dad is allowed to think what he wants to.  I can’t make dad like him, and neither can you - it’s not your job.  We would have loved to have said “hi” to you, but I understand.  I’m sorry if that made you feel bad.  But you know what?  I know that you love me.  I know that I love you.  I know that dad loves you.  And I know that my friend loves you.  All of that is much more important then whether we say “hi” to each other at the restaurant.  Next time, you can either say “hi” anyway or listen to Dad.  It’s up to you and how you feel.  But, I’m your mom, and I love you no matter what! [pause while you see if she is done with the subject…]What did you have for dinner?”  Magic wand waved.

Likely, your child will be able to move on in childlike flare knowing that love is intact.  Likely, it will take you some time to recover.  Scream if you want to—just shield your child from your reaction.  Call a friend, not your ex.  And take some time to find your peace.

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Relates to The Pro Child Way: Parenting with an Ex. 46 Pro-Child Solutions for Typical Divorced Parenting Situations. by Ellen Kellner. Now available on Amazon.com. http://www.TheProChildWay.com All rights reserved.  Permission to repost with credit.

Divorced-Parenting: Through A Child’s Eyes

My youngest was with me when I received my printed book from the publisher.  She helped me open the box, she shared in my jumping up and down, and knowing that it was an eventful occasion, she got the camera and took my picture.  We had a great, whirlwind time.

After the mini-celebration, it was time for her to head to her dad’s house for the evening.  As we were walking out the door, I grabbed a book to take to him.  I could tell by my daughter’s face that she did not approve.  She knows that it is a book that ‘teaches parents to be better parents’ and she was not going to tolerate any suggestion that her dad needed to be a better parent.  My six year old announced that her dad “didn’t NEED the book because he is the Best Dad EVER.”  She went on to justify her position by declaring, “He lets me stay in my pajamas all day and watch movies!” 

New Chapter: Divorced Parenting Situation #47 Communication: “My Dad is The Best Dad EVER!”

#47, The Old Way:  This time, instead of me detailing the Old Way of reacting to this divorced-parenting situation, I’m going to trust that the pervasive reactive culture hasn’t skipped you and that your mind has already looped several Old Way come-backs… many of which probably wouldn’t be fit for typing in a Pro-Child blog.

But, what is The Pro Child Way^SM to this divorced-parenting situation?  After reading Divorced Parenting Situations #1-#46, are you starting to get a feel for The Pro Child Way^SM?  If so, YAY YOU!

Getting to the point where you are even THINKING about The Pro Child Way^SM is a huge accomplishment.

Outside my window is a quiet road that is on the “Student Driver” route.  Today, must be the start of a new session.  One student was driving slowly, unaware that his turn signal was on. Bless him as he navigates a new skill.  Another student didn’t respond to the stop sign till she was halfway through the intersection.  That’s when I saw the break lights come on resulting in an abrupt stop.  Bless her as she learns to coordinate her actions with her thoughts.  The whole process makes me smile.  Learning a new skill takes time, and concentrated effort.

#47, The Pro Child Way^SM: When hearing “My Dad is the Best Dad EVER”, at what point does your response match up with the stop sign that you are passing?  Stop sign = Smile.  Stop sign = Smile.  Over and over again, you need to practice.  Upon seeing a stop sign, you need to smile.  Of course the key to avoiding a disaster is recognizing the stop sign in the first place. Be on the look out and then respond in anticipation.  Because more important then the exterior of your vehicle, your child’s heart is what will damage as you plow blindly through it.  Stop sign = Smile.  “My Dad is the Best Dad EVER… we stay in pajamas all day and watch movies!”  Smile.

As you smile, your mind gets the chance to look both ways.  You get to assess all of the oncoming responses, and choose to proceed when it’s safest.  Take as long as you need for anger, sarcasm, bitterness, and sadness to pass you by, and wait for the response that is a true reflection of your child’s heart.

Smile.

“Yes, Love, Dad is the best.  I know sometimes you get to have a pajama movie day, and that you love doing that with Dad.” 

Smile.

“I’m giving Dad the book because it has your picture on the front and your name inside.  Dad knows I’ve been writing this book for awhile and he’ll be glad to see it in print too.”

By now, we’ve driven to her dad’s place, and as she jumped out of the car I could hear her saying, “Look dad, mom’s new book with me on the cover!”  And then it quickly got dismissed in her eyes as she next produced her much-more-exciting Christmas present for him.  All was as it should be.  Before pulling away, I relayed to her dad the “Best Dad EVER” affirmation.  This time, I could tell by her face that she approved of my gesture.

When married, it was my natural desire that my daughter would think of her dad as “The Best Dad EVER.”  Divorce doesn’t change that.  The benefit that she received then, is the same benefit that this thought brings her now.  I am here to support, encourage, and love my child, and I do that best by looking through her six-year-old eyes.  Today, when you find yourself smiling at your stop sign, reach down and put on your child’s eyes before proceeding.  This is The Pro Child Way^SM.

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Relates to The Pro Child Way: Parenting with an Ex. 46 Pro-Child Solutions for Typical Divorced Parenting Situations. Ellen Kellner. http://www.TheProChildWay.com All rights reserved.  Permission to repost with credit.