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“Awww, I wanted Dad!” Lessons of Divorced-Parenting

Are you familiar with the scene in Austin Powers where Dr. Evil keeps telling his son to “Zip it”?  As soon as his adult son opens his mouth to speak, Dr. Evil is there to block it with “Zip it”.  “Ziiiiiiiiiip it!”  Yes, this movie scene is my secret to mindfulness. 

When my mind starts looping on some divorced-parenting ego thought, my “Dr. Mindfulness” jumps in with a “Ziiiiiiiiip it!”  With every attempted replay: “Zip!”  Not only is it effective in reminding me to knock-it-off, it’s also sorta funny and lightens me up.  My daughter appreciates it when I lighten-up.

Recently, Dr. Mindfulness had a chance to tell me to “Zip it!”  Thursdays are gymnastics days for my 1st grader, which means she gets to be a “walker” instead of a “buser”.  Upon seeing my daughter come out of school, I waved and smiled.  Upon seeing me, she responded, “Awwww, I wanted Dad to pick me up!”. 

“Zip it!” jumped right in at the same instant that “Nice to see you too” was ready to pop out of my mouth.  The paralyzing inner-voice competition kept me from saying anything.

In the absence of my speaking, my daughter, not sure if I heard her, repeated louder, “I wanted Dad to take me to gymnastics!”

“Zip it!” [and try to think of something to say!  …NOW!]

“Hi Sweetie! Brrrr, it’s cold out… [good start, keep going, address her comment!]...[Zip it!]... I know you had fun last week when dad took you to gymnastics… [good, keep going]... we can ask him again if you’d like.”

[Phew! Did it. Thanks Dr. Mindfulness!]

My daughter, in typical 1st grader “oh shiney!” fashion said, “Oooooh! There’s my friend that I play with at recess!” and the subject passed along with the many busses.

In the quiet of her peering out the window and waving to friends, I had time to think.  Dr. Mindfulness had done her job, and I was thankful.  Of course I’d love to have a “HI MOM!  I COULDN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU!”, but I know that she sees me all of the time, and with predictablility comes a bit of “ho-hum”.  I’m glad that I’m “ho-hum” to my daughter.  Growing up, I never had to exclaim joy at seeing my mom (although I now realize she would have appreciated it).  She was always there when I needed her, she was routine.  Now my dad?  That would have been very different.  Dad was a hard working man, rarely home till supper.  I probably would have done cartwheels in seeing him after school.  And that would have been a fitting response to a special occassion.  I probably would have been disapointed the following week in remembering that joy, and not re-experiencing it with a repeated pick-up.

It’s amazing, given the space to breath, what your mind can think about in an instant.  I smiled in the rear view mirror at my daughter.  I’m glad she enjoys spending time with her dad.  That is how it should be.

But I couldn’t stop thinking about her disappointment.  Yes, she was now perfectly happy peering out the window, eating her apple, but her flash of disappointment stayed with me.  I questioned what I did, or didn’t do, to create her expectation that Dad would be there.  I know my daughter will experience disappointment throughout life, but my “super mom” cape tries to shield away as much as possible. 

So I spent another second reflecting.  I re-played the rushed morning when I said “Gymnastics after school!” as she rushed out to catch the bus.  I didn’t say, “I’ll pick you up for gymnastics after school!”  My lacking few words caused her to experience disappointment.  Dr. Mindfulness was right to tell me to “Zip it” so that I could remember; remember that this had nothing to do with divorce.  I needed to be more mindful of my daughter in the morning, even when in a rush.  And with that, I breathed in and out as I drove out of the parking lot.  Sometimes the biggest lesson in mindful divorced-parenting is that divorce has nothing to do with it.

For guidance in “Zip it” mindfulness, have a laugh with Dr. Evil on YouTube.  And I bet you, “Zip it” will be forefront in your mind the next time you need it most!

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Author and “Zip it” mindful thinker, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way of nurturing their child’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and experience.  Her book on divorced parenting is available on Amazon.

Day 1 of Divorced Parenting

Day 1 of divorced-parenting is a turning point.  On your first day of motherhood/fatherhood, you woke up and smiled, realizing that there was an infant now counting on you to take care of her needs and nurture her soul.  Which you did, lovingly.  But on the first morning of separated-parenting you wake up with a stressed look that has long replaced your smile.  “How can I do this?” becomes a very real question.

Stay and linger in bed for a moment.  Put aside the thoughts about your divorce and focus instead on the child that is still sleeping down the hall.  That child, who you lovingly brought into this world, is still counting on you to provide for her and nurture her.  Stay with that thought as long as it takes for you to remember.  To remember that divorce doesn’t change who you are: a parent that loves a child very, very much—demonstrating that love through consistency, security, consideration and so much more.  Divorce doesn’t change that, and your child is counting on you to remember.

Think about love, your child, and your desire to nurture her.  It’s with those grounding thoughts that you can start Day 1 of divorced parenting with a smile.

With this remembrance, you can do it.  You can handle visitation exchanges, communications with your child’s other parent, financial matters, your child’s growing step-family, and all of the many divorced-parenting situations that are now part of your day.  Yes, your parenting situations have changed, but you’re still here to nurture your child’s soul and with that guidance, you’ll not only know what not to do; you’ll know what to do.

The good news? Everyday is a new day filled with the opportunity for you to remember who you are as you parent your child through life and divorce.  Every day is Day 1.

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Mindful thinker and author, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way of nurturing their child’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and experience.  Her book The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex is available at Amazon

Advice to a Bride on Including Groom’s Children in the Wedding

Dear Bride-to-be,

You thought you were a bride?  If you’re marrying a fellow with children, put down your bouquet and pick up the pom-poms because that’s what you are: a cheerleader.  The step-children (that will soon be part of your family) already have a family… and it ain’t you.  They don’t need a mom.  They don’t need someone else to tell them what to do.  What they need is someone who will cheer on a good relationship between their dad and them.  Using this guideline, it’s much easier as a bride (and future step-mom) to create the needed ‘tude that will translate into a smooth walk down the aisle and beyond.  So change your focus.  The children don’t need to be involved with you, they need to be involved with their dad.  And buy “packaging” them with their dad reinforces the idea that they are indeed part of the package, one that you’ve accepted and respect. 

Here’s what dads do at weddings and where you can cheer on the children’s involvement:

- Groomsmen.  Forget about having the children as YOUR attendants, they should be their dad’s (yes, even the girls).  Groomsmen are there to support the groom and share in a loved one’s special day.  Who would be better in this role then the groom’s own children!
- Groomsmen gifts.  Giving gifts to the groomsmen is a wedding tradition.  Cheer on your mate to include his children in the selecting, buying, and wrapping of the gifts.  And it’s ok if you want to encourage dad to “sneak” something extra into his “special” groomsmen’s present.  Have fun with it, letting the children “in” on that “unknown” extra that just may be inside the gift they helped wrap for themselves.  What child doesn’t beam at the thought of a surprise!
- Bachelor party.  A very honored tradition with a groom is the bachelor party - a night of fun before walking down the aisle.  Cheer on a special surprise party for this unsuspecting groom.  Depending on the age of the children, the surprise party could be held at the family amusement pizza joint or a more elaborate shindig for older children.  Be sure to invite all the groomsmen…  and, be sure to include the, “this isn’t college days” reminder.  Important: brides are not allowed at a bachelor party.
- Decorating the car.  As a bride, you may prefer to let this one slide, but this event is sure to please the youngsters: decorating the car.  Cheer on a collaboration between the other groomsmen and the children to arrange for some child appropriate creativity.  Save those soda cans, confetti, and soap and make sure a camera is on hand.  And be ready to laugh out loud in excitement as you acknowledge the handiwork, both theirs and their cheerleaders.

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Mindful thinker and author, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way of nurturing their child’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and experience.  Her book The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex is available at Amazon

Intuition, Discernment, and Experience: The Pro-Child Way of Parenting with an Ex

“When you come to each moment cleanly, without a previous thought about it, you can create who you are, rather than re-enact who you once were.”  Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsh book 2, chapter 2

This was my experience 12 years ago, as I stepped into the world of separation parenting.  I was shocked. It was all so new and unfamiliar.  I always knew that I’d be a mom.  I always knew that I’d care for and nurture my child.  But I wasn’t expecting it to be through divorce.  As the first separation parenting situation unfolded, all I could think was: I don’t know what to do.  And in that moment, instead of reacting, I chose to create.

In a split moment, I put together a full analysis of what it meant to be Me, a mom who fully loved her daughter; weighed against what I observed around me: tabloid filled accounts of children’s lives ripped apart by divorce.

“In any given moment you can do what you normally do, or you can do what comes naturally.  I tell you this: Nothing is more natural than love.  If you act lovingly, you will be acting naturally.” [CwG book 2, chapter 2]

I considered, what does it mean for me to be a divorced parent AND a loving mom.  A mom who wanted my child raised in love, surrounded by security, wrapped in consideration.

So I started my journey, alone with my convictions that what I felt was what I could also create: a way to nurture my child’s spirit even through divorce.

“You have come to this world in this way, at this time, in this place, to Know Who You Are – and to create Who You Wish to Be.” [CwG, book 2, chapter 2]

I knew who I was: a mother who cared deeply about her child’s well-being.  And I knew that I could translate that into Who I Wished to Be: a mother who cared enough to carry my convictions into my new setting of divorced-parenting.  In a sense, I was making it up as I went.  Indeed, in using my senses, the feelings of my core, I was creating a new awareness of who I was in this unfamiliar setting.

Through my intuition and discernment I created a new experience, an experience that continues to evolve and grow with each new unfamiliar situation.  So as I pave The Pro-Child Way, I continue: Making It Up as I Go*.

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*As evidenced by my original literary agent query letters, “Making It Up As I Go: Parenting with an Ex” was my original title of my book, with plans to have additional titles in the “Making It Up As I Go” series. But, the agents and publishing houses had huge problems in a name that, to them, meant a lack of credibility.  Last week, I remembered my original idea and thought that I should dust it off and start a blog by the same name.  Last night, in reading Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsh, I read God’s reassurance: “Don’t you see what you’re doing here? You’re making up the rules as you go along!  And don’t you see something else?  That’s perfectly okay.  It’s what you’re supposed to be doing!  All of life is a process of deciding Who You Are, and then experiencing that.”  [CwG book 2, chapter 3] Thank you God, for the reminder that all my ideas are Yours, it’s just a matter of me remembering that and having trust in who I Am.

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Ellen Kellner continues to Make It Up As I Go in all of life.  Her Pro-Child Way of mindful divorced parenting is captured in The Pro-Child Way^SM: Parenting with an Ex - 46 Pro-Child solutions for typical divorced-parenting situations which is available on Amazon.com.  She is currently smiling at hearing God’s reassurance in Neale Donald Walsh’s Conversations with God.