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Teaching Our Children Peace: lessons at home

My older child, who is now in the throws of high school, tells me weekly of friend’s traumatic break-ups and school fights.  She relays that her freshman class already has a reputation for being the ‘trouble class’ in the school.  Her classmates inability to resolve simple conflicts leaves her dumbfounded.

Not one to ever seek out conflict, I’ve smiled as my older daughter has gained more moxie over the years.  In chakra terms, we’ve declared that she has “found her yellow chakra”, and hopefully this personal power chakra continues to radiate in her.  I’ve never wanted her to confuse peace with avoidance of conflict.  “To thine own self be true” is a core lesson.  But, honoring your own truth doesn’t mean that you need to destroy someone else’s. 

My younger child however is a different story.  Instead of a quiet peacemaker she’s a budding mediator.  She has no fear of jumping into conflict and her dazzling magnetism makes her a voice that a room listens to.  (A rather stunning feature in a 1st grader!) My attention is now on her; hoping that I’m guiding her in a way that will take her gifts and channel them for healing. 

I learned through my divorce experiences that the lessons of my personal journey can be used to benefit others: starting with me and my girls.  So while I’m not overjoyed in continually experiencing “life lessons”, I can be grateful for the opportunities that they provide.  Most recently, the opportunity was to show my daughters that the absence of romantic love doesn’t leave hate.

While my older daughter had the opportunity to watch the process over the last several months, my youngest is rightfully more shielded from such goings on.  So for her, the end of a longer-term romantic partnership between me and a friend needed to be discussed.  I had flash-backs to the “we’re getting divorced” moments of my past, so my apprehension in starting the conversation with her was causing me to stall.  In lovely encouragement, my older daughter prodded: “Well, what does your book say you should do?” [Divorced Situation #27: Talking To Your Child About The Divorce]  And I laughed while giving her a not-so-mature rolling of the eyes.

At the end of my talk with my younger daughter, (which was filled with many 1st grade tangents about totally irrelevant things), I finally got out the message that I wanted her to hear: peaceful dissolution.  In simple terms: just because he and I won’t be holding hands anymore doesn’t mean that we hate each other.  And those words are re-enforced by what she sees as two people seemingly go on naturally with life.

(and yes, yes, for all child psychologists out there, I spent the next few minutes separating the love that may come and go of romantic partnerships with the love that is here forever of child/parent relationships.  geez, give me some credit, this isn’t new to me!) 

In reflecting on the talk, and in thinking about the high-school dramas, I had a moment of gratitude that maybe, through my guidance, I was able to take my daughters one step closer to a life filled with expectations of peaceful resolutions not destructive ones.  I don’t want them avoiding relationships out of fear of a damaging break-up - a fate that so many children of divorce are cited to follow.  Certainly their lives, and likely mine as well, will continue to be filled with relationship ups and downs, but with my shared practice I hope they can avoid the necessity to experience anger filled break-ups, seeking peaceful ones naturally.  And that is good; for them and for the world beyond our home.

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Mindful mom, thinker, and author, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way^SM of nurturing their child’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and somedays way-too-much experience.  Ellen’s book, The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex details mindful solutions to tricky divorced-parenting situations.

The New Divorce: Ready Parents?

Through my work, I’ve come to know professionals: lawyers, mediators, child therapists, coaches, and others whose doors are open to The New Divorce.  Many of them have seen the devastating effects of the Old Way of divorce and as healers and problem solvers, they recognized that a new way is needed.  And while that professional path is being formed, one thing is clear: it is best for all that The New Divorce be the destination.  Bitterness, anger, resentment, posturing, and lies are all unnecessary roadblocks in divorce causing much suffering to the warring families—causing much suffering for the children involved.  But while I’m thrilled to know that professional inroads are being made, I now look back at the families, wondering when they’ll choose this new way.

While new models of divorce processes are being formed, one critical ingredient remains elusive: the mindful, seeking client.  No matter how many new methods are put into place, it is all lost if it isn’t driven by parents who are determined to not fail their children in divorce.  How can the eyes of divorcing parents be opened to The Pro-Child Way^SM of mindful divorce?  Where the children come first; before court orders, forensic accounting, and support tied visitation. 

The professionals are ready for The New Divorce.  The children are begging for The New Divorce.  Where are the parents?

It’s a process of awareness.  It’s a parent’s inner awareness that there has to be a better way through divorce.  It’s an outer awareness of a parent noticing nurturing examples of divorced-parenting.  It’s an awareness that comes through seeking out practical “how-to” tools like The Pro-Child Way^SM: Parenting with an Ex book.  And it’s the awareness of a society encouraging peaceful resolutions instead of fueling their loved-one’s antagonistic divorce.  Combined, this awareness creates a knowing in parents that naturally seeks out a better way.  It becomes a heart guided conviction that leads to The New Divorce.

For it is only when parents exclaim, “I am not going to be led down that path of old divorce”, that The New Divorce professionals can do their healing magic.  Children are counting on their parents to change their environment for the better, and the path for doing that is through The New Divorce.

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Author, Ellen Kellner, encourages other parents to nurture their child’s spirit by seeking out The Pro-Child Way of mindful divorced-parenting.  Forty-six pro-child solutions for typical divorced-parenting situations are detailed in her book The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex, available on Amazon.com

Can You Determine “Fair”?  One mom’s unconventional look at child support

When times get financially challenging for my family, I can count on my cheering section to prod, “It’s not fair!”  They point at my children’s child support arrangement, judge it lacking against what they deem would be fair, and encourage me to jump on the “take him to court” train.  Twelve years have now passed since child support entered my life, and with my second child and subsequent divorce, the number of players increased.

Aware of my friends’ desire to help, I assure them that I am aware of the court formulas and protocol.  I suspect that my children’s support would look different if formulas were applied, but for me, child support is not a matter for the courts.  It’s a father’s choice.  And I honor that choice, independent of the outcome.  This I know, is best for my children.

I want my children growing up surrounded by love, love that is untainted by guilt or restraint.  I want their fathers to love them freely, not constrained by court orders.  And while I see benefit to my children when that love translates into their fathers’ natural financial giving, I don’t see a lack of love when it doesn’t. 

It’s my job, as my children’s teacher to show them love in action.  Love is recognized when they see the lunch lady smile as she takes a quarter out of her pocket, giving it to a child for milk.  Her love, which formed as generosity, is very real and visible to my child.  If it was this giving woman’s job to hand out quarters, her intention of love could quickly be obscured by the mechanics of her duty.  What a shame it would be if all day long this woman gave quarters to children who never saw past the duty to the love that she transferred with it.  In receiving child support, I never want my children to think that their father contributed because he had to; that it was his job.  I want my children to experience their father’s natural contribution as an outward expression of generosity, of love. 

But what of the lunch lady who doesn’t look for a lacking quarter, how do I teach my children about love when money is not given?  That’s where it takes special eyes, eyes that look beyond an expectation to what is really there.  What does my child see?  As she peers into the woman’s face, she notices a kind smile that shows the child that she understands his disappointment in the lost quarter.  She sees tenderness as the woman places her hand on his arm, in a sign of comfort.  She sees love, expressed through empathy.  And watching the boy smile back at this lady, confirms that all is well.  Instead of focusing on the lack, my child is able to see the bounty of love.  I want my children experiencing the many expressions of their fathers’ love, not focused on one expression where lack could be perceived.

My children are very lucky.  They have fathers who care about them.  And they experience the many facets of love that each father gives naturally.  This expression has been free to take many forms beyond child support, and I know by my children’s smiles that they feel the love that each father offers. 

But what if their fathers chose to not show love in any form?  In that case, I ask, “is it fair for my child to constantly experience un-love?”  To well wishers that assert that money forcibly given is better than none at all, I’ve experienced differently.  In small ways, throughout life, I’ve felt what it is like to receive a forced gift, or participate in something when I know the other person would rather not.  And I’ve learned that no amount of perceived benefit can compensate for that lack.  In honoring me, I know that the experience isn’t worth it. So, I look elsewhere with the belief that life is more than fair, it’s abundant.  When faced with this same experience, I hope my children will un-cover this same realization.

In days when dentist appointments, gymnastic lessons, horseback riding lessons, and toner to print out book reports require additional resources, it gives me another opportunity to teach my girls, and myself, about love. On occasion, I share my observations about child support with their dads, but it is done without threats or expectation.  In that freedom, I create the possibility for their dads to respond as they are inspired.  In that freedom, I welcome the abundance that may just flow from me, for I know that all is well.  And do I think that is fair for my girls?  Very much so.

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Ellen Kellner’s unconventional ideas encourage parents to nurture their child’s spirit, even through divorce.  Her book, The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex gives 46 specific Pro-Child solutions to everyday divorced parenting situations.

Change: a mother’s perspective

Many of us have grown up with the illusion that nothing changes.  In the American Dream, the picturesque cape cod home doesn’t have a “For Sale” sign adorning the lawn, it has a white picket fence. And, Norman Rockwell’s paintings didn’t include divorce.  But here you may be, facing these changes as you parent. 

Yesterday, I had the chance to walk through the National Gallery of Art with my teen daughter.  In looking at some familiar paintings, I gazed into a mother’s eyes with new depth.  I wondered if she enjoyed having her family portrait painted.  She looked so beautiful in her finery, and so young.  Flocked by her four children, I sympathized in how challenging it can be to get a child dressed, and I felt for this unnamed mother.  Standing next to her was a distinguished fellow.  Was this her husband?  His look was one of authority and considerable age, was he the children’s dad?  Did he participate in family life?  In a moment’s notice, my mind switched from an envious “ahhhhhh!” to a knowing “aha.”  I no longer saw a picture of perfection, but rather a mother’s attempt to create perfection for a portrait.  What if that mother had stood up and said, “Enough!”

There is no denying that my life has taken me through change and several moments of “Enough!”  Each one difficult, but as I considered this young mother’s life, I became grateful at the choices that I have had, which she was likely denied.  I wondered if her children sensed the distance of this older man.  I wondered if they realized the pressure laid upon their mother.  I wondered if their white picket fence, surrounding their country estate, was enough to shield them from the challenges of change.

I smiled at my daughter.  I have certainly removed any illusion at life’s unchanging ways.  My gift to her is the experience that life changes.  The real lesson isn’t in how to avoid it, but in how you respond to that change.

There is one concept that wasn’t captured in that painting: love.  Change has swept into our lives, but instead of weakening love, it has strengthened it.  With each new up, and with each new down, I’m given the opportunity to show my girls that we are all ok.  Through change, we can have new experiences, we can have laughter, and most of all, we can have love. 

Norman Rockwell, tried to capture this exchange of love in his paintings, but instead we, who observed them, chose to focus on the white picket fence.  Rockwell has one painting that shows love best.  It’s a painting that he completed later in life, perhaps as he too recognized that it was the love, not the setting to which he was attracted.  He titled it, The Golden Rule.  And in that there are no illusions.  For with each change comes the opportunity to show our children the perfection of love.

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Ellen Kellner is a student of change.  Her book The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex shows parents how they can nurture their child’s spirit through the change of divorce.