Another Helping of Banana Splits
My second grader is having a great week - after all, it’s Halloween! School parties, parades, trick-or-treat tomorrow night, and the first meeting of the Banana Split’s club. Banana Splits is a national program for elementary children. It provides a time for children of divorce to come together with a facilitator. When my older daughter attended, I usually didn’t get much of a report from her unless it was the day they made real banana splits. My older daughter really didn’t get the whole “club for children of divorce” thing. I remember the first day of the club, this daughter learned a new word: “d…d….divorce?” There were many things in my older daughter’s awareness; her parents divorce wasn’t one of them. And she thought a club for children of divorce was as random as a club for children who wore turtlenecks. But she attended and enjoyed the ice-cream.
That was one child, this blog is about the other: my younger daughter. My younger daughter is on a constant “club” quest. Mention “club” and she’s in! She was excited to tell me that, “Today we had our first Banana Splits Club meeting! I got to leave the classroom and go to the club room!” Her exuberance told me that she was A-OK with it. When I asked her to “tell me about it”, her exuberance switched to dramatics as she told me about each child’s home situation. Various tales of woe were told, sparkled with her enthusiastic re-telling. She found the whole thing fascinating, as if she was a spy let in on a secret mission. And she had a secret code word: “Divorce”! She liked saying it: “We talked about Divorce. You and dad are Divorced. Divorce is when your parents aren’t married anymore. You got Divorced.” I pulled out my super secret weapon: a smile.
She continued with her re-telling by combining intrigue and suspense. She’s been perfecting a newly discovered trick: the ability to raise one eyebrow. The one eyebrow thing kept happening to emphasize points. “His mom and dad, who are Divorced, fight a lot [raise eyebrow]!” “She hasn’t see her dad since [eyebrow] her last birthday! Now they are going to get Divorced.” I continued to smile, soaking up my daughter’s fairy like energy, waiting for her to clue me in on the “big conclusion” that I knew she kept saved for last.
She paused, and laid out her conclusion: “Strange isn’t it?”
Ahhhhh, I wrapped my daughter in a huge hug and loved her. “It should be strange,” I said, “but to many families of divorce, that’s the way it is.” [I’m missing the raised eyebrow gene.] “THAT is why I wrote a book.”
[from her: raised eyebrow]
“You know, the book I wrote that has a drawing of you on the front of it? That book is to help moms and dads be better parents when they are going through divorce.”
A pause, and then she spoke: “They need your book.” A true statement indeed.
Banana Splits will not meet again till the new year. On that day, she’ll still bounce down the hall “getting to go” to club but I wonder if she’ll be going more as a club member or as a “woman on a mission.” Knowing her, it could be either. I tell you this, my seven year old is here to charm the world into a happier place. Whatever her platform, she knows her dad and I will be there cheering her on.
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Mindful mom, thinker, and author, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way® of nurturing their child’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and experience. Her book The Pro-Child Way®: Parenting with an Ex is available on Amazon.com. http://www.TheProChildWay.com
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Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 10/27/10 at 12:37 PM
Shared Parenting: Are you back from vacation yet?
Now that my daughter’s father is back from a three week working vacation, I’ll state with new conviction: Shared Parenting is Great for All!
Yes, my spending the last few weeks solid with my daughter gave us some “never-before” terrific moments - like a trip to the zoo, a Friday night on the town, a day climbing rocks and waterfalls, and all meals together - but now that it’s done: Whoo-Hoo! I’m certainly grateful for the intense time that we’ve been able to share together since October’s start, but her smile and wide eyes said it best: “Dad’s Home!”
My daughter loves her dad and for that I’m very grateful. My goal from her birth through to this moment has been focused on one thing: having her smile in love and security while in her dad’s and my arms. My ex and she have exciting adventures together and do stuff that is different then the stuff that we do. And that is great. So, I’m just as excited as she is that “Dad’s Back!”
Shared Parenting, where my daughter feels nurtured by both of her parents, works. Through concentrated effort, we do our best to keep focused on her and her best interest. I trust that the bumps that we’ve had have been smoothed out by continually trying to improve it. To me, shared parenting isn’t about schedules and procedures - although schedules guide our week; it’s about a shared interest in her smile.
When my older daughter and I took off for a month this past summer, my younger daughter’s dad and I decided together that it was better for her to stay behind with him during that excursion. We decided that her sitting in the backseat for 6000 miles (even with her sister and me and the sites of the West) wasn’t going to be nearly as much fun for her as going swimming everyday with him. So we worked together to get plans, playdates, schedules, toys, and clothes coordinated so that she would be well taken care of in my absence. I know she had a great time with dad.
And as her dad departed for his trip, he knew that she would have a great time with me.
The rewards of shared parenting? There are so very many rewards - including the time together and the time apart for both my ex and me with our daughter. But the best reward is reserved for her. I love that my daughter is secure enough to exclaim “I missed you!” to either of us, without fear that she is “hurting” the parent that stayed behind with her. Real security comes in being able to express “I missed you!” and knowing that you’re loved all around.
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Mindful mom, thinker, and author, Ellen Kellner, guides parents through The Pro-Child Way® of nurturing their child’s spirit through her intuition, discernment, and experience. Her book The Pro-Child Way®: Parenting with an Ex is available on Amazon.com. http://www.TheProChildWay.com
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Posted by .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 10/18/10 at 02:01 PM
