• Guidance
  • Blog
  • Newsletter
  • Articles
  • Ask Ellen
• Store
  • Book
  • Merchandise
• About
  • Contact
  • Speaking
• Links

Change: a mother’s perspective

Many of us have grown up with the illusion that nothing changes.  In the American Dream, the picturesque cape cod home doesn’t have a “For Sale” sign adorning the lawn, it has a white picket fence. And, Norman Rockwell’s paintings didn’t include divorce.  But here you may be, facing these changes as you parent. 

Yesterday, I had the chance to walk through the National Gallery of Art with my teen daughter.  In looking at some familiar paintings, I gazed into a mother’s eyes with new depth.  I wondered if she enjoyed having her family portrait painted.  She looked so beautiful in her finery, and so young.  Flocked by her four children, I sympathized in how challenging it can be to get a child dressed, and I felt for this unnamed mother.  Standing next to her was a distinguished fellow.  Was this her husband?  His look was one of authority and considerable age, was he the children’s dad?  Did he participate in family life?  In a moment’s notice, my mind switched from an envious “ahhhhhh!” to a knowing “aha.”  I no longer saw a picture of perfection, but rather a mother’s attempt to create perfection for a portrait.  What if that mother had stood up and said, “Enough!”

There is no denying that my life has taken me through change and several moments of “Enough!”  Each one difficult, but as I considered this young mother’s life, I became grateful at the choices that I have had, which she was likely denied.  I wondered if her children sensed the distance of this older man.  I wondered if they realized the pressure laid upon their mother.  I wondered if their white picket fence, surrounding their country estate, was enough to shield them from the challenges of change.

I smiled at my daughter.  I have certainly removed any illusion at life’s unchanging ways.  My gift to her is the experience that life changes.  The real lesson isn’t in how to avoid it, but in how you respond to that change.

There is one concept that wasn’t captured in that painting: love.  Change has swept into our lives, but instead of weakening love, it has strengthened it.  With each new up, and with each new down, I’m given the opportunity to show my girls that we are all ok.  Through change, we can have new experiences, we can have laughter, and most of all, we can have love. 

Norman Rockwell, tried to capture this exchange of love in his paintings, but instead we, who observed them, chose to focus on the white picket fence.  Rockwell has one painting that shows love best.  It’s a painting that he completed later in life, perhaps as he too recognized that it was the love, not the setting to which he was attracted.  He titled it, The Golden Rule.  And in that there are no illusions.  For with each change comes the opportunity to show our children the perfection of love.

—————————————-

Ellen Kellner is a student of change.  Her book The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex shows parents how they can nurture their child’s spirit through the change of divorce.