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Christmas - Getting through it when divorce life stinks

This message is for all of those divorced parents out there that really would rather crawl under a rock then face Christmas.  In looking at the postings on Twitter and mindfulness blogs, there are many wonderful stories of inspiration and motivation, but what if you’re seriously too overwhelmed and just not in the mood for another “You Can Do It!” Christmas message? 

Divorce stinks. It isn’t a quaint cliche, it’s your life.  Divorce, especially when there are children involved, can be absolutely exhausting and overwhelming.  And that’s on normal, non-December days.  Throw December holidays into the divorced-parenting mix, and it’s that “one more thing” that you simply can’t handle.  And I’m not talking about the “woe is me” can’t handle.  I’m talking Can’t Handle. 

So what do you do?  Before you get your hopes up (or your gag-me-with-the-jingle-bells bucket close at hand), I’ll get to my point: I don’t know.  When the stifling weight of divorce had me in it’s grips, I didn’t know how I was going to get school lunches packed let alone Christmas shopping/outside decorating/cookie making/present wrapping/holiday party attending/Christmas Tree decorating/and pine needle vacuuming done!  And if you’re reading this, you’re thinking the same thing.  Worse yet? You just found out that your Ex’s house was decorated personally by Martha Stewart.  So, to your list of ‘why you should stay in bed’, you add feeling guilty over your being irked that your child is going to love seeing your ex’s house!  OMG, how can you just make it through till January?

To those sadistic readers out there who are reading this “just for fun”, let me enlighten you more about what real divorce can be like.  To those who are under the bed covers, you’d better skip over the next few sentences to avoid more negativity clinging to you.  In case “divorce stinks” doesn’t quite paint a vivid picture for you, here’s what some parents are currently facing - in addition to holiday parties at their child’s school: ... ya know what, I can’t write it.  Even thinking about all of the really awful things that some divorced parents are facing right now is making me really sad.  To all my divorcing friends: I’m sorry, it really can suck.

At one low point in my divorced parenting journey, I remember hearing Princess Fergie, The Duchess of York, relay how she was managing through her divorce.  My recollection of what she said may not be in-line with her exact words, but it was the message that I needed at the time.  She said (in my really bad memory mind), “How do I get through each day? Well, I lie in bed, not ever wanting to get up… and then I hear my children, and I think, ‘well, nobody else is going to feed them breakfast’, so I realize that I need to get them breakfast, which means I get out of bed. After I get out of bed, I have to walk down the hall… And that is how I get through my day, each must-do at a time because my children can’t do it alone.”  It sounded really powerful to me, especially in her British accent.

When I was growing up, Queen Elizabeth was my mother’s benchmark for EVERYTHING.  “If Queen Elizabeth can do it, then I can do it!” was her mantra.  I’d hear her say, “well, if Queen Elizabeth was at a party and was served this food, she would eat it to be polite.  If she could do it, then I can too (implying me through guilt).”  When I was about to give birth, my mother’s advice?  “Well, Queen Elizabeth gave birth, and if she could do it, I knew I could too. (again, advice through association.)  I’ve learned many in-direct lessons through my mother’s bucking-up at knowing Queen Elizabeth had “done it too”, and here I was, an adult, finding myself saying, “Well, if Princess Fergie can do it, I can too.”  I’m not sure my mom would have wished my royal inspiration came to inspire me through a divorce, but it is what it is.

Reality is a hard obstacle to ignore, especially when it’s red, green, blue, yellow, and twinkling on a tree.  Reality is that Santa Clause is coming, and that your child knows it.  Reality is that Christmas morning will be here, and as much as you’ll want to lie in bed and make the whole thing go away, you’re child will be up.  Hearing your child up, you’ll think, ‘well, no one else is here to do it’, so you’ll get up and walk down the hall.  The question is, what’s going to be at the end of the hall?  Did Santa skip out this year on your child?  Or, in some Christmas miracle, did you manage to get up a tree that is now standing above some presents?  And when you reach for your child’s breakfast, did another miracle of Christmas buns appear?

When life is really, really hard, that’s when the blessing of your child becomes so apparent.  Ok, I hear a really persistent dog can have the same motivational effect—well, sort of, but moving on:  your child can’t do it without you.  And moment-by-moment happens because there’s no one else there to do it for your child.  So, I guess, in spite of myself, I do have a conclusion to this blog.  How do you get through Christmas when divorce life sucks?  You get through it, because your child can’t do it alone.  And while the answer to how you’re going to do it is still an “I don’t know”, somehow you do get through it, occasionally lifting the weight long enough to see your child’s smile.  That’s part of the Christmas miracle too.

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Relates to The Pro-Child Way: Parenting with an Ex to be released January 2010.  www.TheProChildWay.com  Ellen Kellner, all rights reserved.  Permission to repost with credit.