One Mother’s Story of Rebirth and Renewal as the Illusion Fell
by contributing blogger: Grace Phoenix
[Before proceeding, take a moment to find peace. Breath in, breath out and hold space for this mother and for all who are rising out of the ashes of divorce. ~ Ellen]
“I was one of those….those people some of you look at and wish you had their lives when you look at it from the outside. Handsome husband, beautiful children and being able to choose to stay at home when the opportunity presented itself. We were the fun couple, the one everyone wanted to be around, the house everyone gathered at for parties or just spur of the moment stuff. The outside looked “perfect” and I thought because of my faith, my upbringing, my life I would never be one of those who ended up bitter, unhappy, angry and divorced.
The one thing I didn’t have was honesty with myself. It wasn’t what we presented to others because the inside was a different story. When no one was there and no one could hear, my husband was depressed, angry and abusive to me. He took risks financially, with his health and with our relationship. Finally it caved in on all of us. You can only hold up the scenery for so long until your arms get too tired and people start to get looks at what is really going on.
Yet in my best June Cleaver impersonation I could and did sweep it under the rug. I thought that if we got counseling, the medication was the right mix, I was thinner, the meals were better, the house was cleaner and on and on then it would go away. I took that adage that life is a journey not a destination and bent it to mean that the journey should include lots of pain. No one can keep it up forever because at some point the costs of doing so take away too much and leave you and everyone around you empty.
Then it crashed. Yes it had crashed before and I had picked up the pieces but this time it crashed and it was burned past the foundation. There was nothing left and no way to sweep it under the rug. I took a long hard look at myself and my children and decided that it was time to make a decision that I had been avoiding for some time.
When my ex and I discussed what the next step was we knew it was time. We were civil with each other and wanted to do what was best for the kids. Even my attorney who looked at the situation said that it was a “simple” divorce and would take a few months. That’s what was said but that isn’t what happened.
I should have know that the marriage issues would play out in the divorce and boy did they ever. The divorce took two years complete with almost every issue you could think of only to conclude with what I had asked for at the beginning being given to me in court at the end. Those around us who watched it play out were astounded but I was not surprised. You see I had hidden all of it and done such a good job that people didn’t realize what was going on. Even after the divorce was finalized it continued……
How did I cope? Well it started with me getting help and getting help for the kids. Then I began the process of picking up the pieces. I thought of myself like a phoenix rising from the ashes. I found strength in friends, family and sometimes by just smiling. In one of my favorite videos “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” there is a song which has a line about “putting one foot in front of another.” It became my mantra. I tried and put a lot of effort into not becoming angry and bitter and had a new empathy for those in my situation who other people thought were angry and bitter realizing that unless you walk a mile in someone’s shoes you have no idea what is going on…..after all, look at me.
If you are in any part of the divorce process take a deep breath and realize that however it plays out you will make it. You are not alone unless you choose to be. Many have walked the path before you and even if their situation isn’t identical to yours you can learn from their successes and failures. Keep moving forward and have faith that things will get better.
Reach out to people, read books like Ellen’s and know that many people are on the same journey.”
~Grace
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Grace Phoenix (name changed for children’s privacy) is a mother of two. When I think of “If I can do it, you can too!” I often think of her. She is purposefully and mindfully going through extreme divorce situations while staying focused on nurturing her children’s spirits. I applaud her conviction and I welcome her to share more of her story as I know many will find inspiration for their own journey. I bless her and her family.
If you would like to share your experience in the “If I can do it, you can too!” series, please contact Ellen.
Author, Ellen Kellner, is transforming children’s lives through her intuition, discernment, and experience. Her book, The Pro-Child Way®: Parenting with an Ex focuses on mindful-divorced parenting. http://www.TheProChildWay.com
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