Well, my journey this week has led me through Dorothy’s Kansas (past the fields of wheat, the cows, and windmills) but sitting here under the pines of Colorado I’m left wondering if my imagination failed me.  After a month of “Just Imagine” my most vivid recollection is being exhausted.  Just wanting new ideas to spring forth didn’t produce them, at least not in the neon way I was expecting.  Perhaps there is more to imagining life then just wishing it to be so. 

Sometimes, the best way for me to know that life’s scariest possibilities aren’t really that scary at all is too jump into them with both feet.  I’ve met many of life’s challenges in this way and I can declare with certainty—as I’m sitting by a campfire with the taste of s’mores still lingering—that this latest jump is wonderful.  Through a host of recent life events which culminated in selling my home, I embraced change at a rate that would be uncomfortable for many.  In deciding to take a month to travel before securing our next address, my older daughter and I are winding our way through the West, pitching our tent where we feel drawn.  When asked about why we’re traveling, my daughter exclaims, “it’s our month of homelessness!” showing her hallmark smile.

“Homelessness”, a fear that has appeared at various times, has neither destroyed me or my girls now that I’ve jumped into it.  Far from being scary, I highly recommend it.  Our “location independent” status for the next few weeks is giving all of us a gift.  My teen and I are getting to explore and dream while my younger daughter is getting some much anticipated vacation time with her dad. 

Perhaps the reason why June wasn’t filled with the vivid and exciting possibilities that I anticipated is because daily life was crowding it out.  Perhaps in place of the “nothing” that I perceived my imagination to produce, my imagination was allowing me to envision “stillness”.  Maybe my “Just Imagine” needed the breathing room that sleeping under the stars can bring.

And with that peace, I peaked at the next Spiritual Power of my Unity Church calendar: July brings “Understanding”.  Ahhh, yes…  Understanding.  Understanding will be a lovely power to develop as the month unfolds along with the miles of our trip.

I’m ready to jump out of this month of Imagination and Understand the life which is unfolding before me.  Perhaps that yellow brick road isn’t just an imagined wish, but a path of understanding that will truly take me home—both the home that is within and the home which can wrap my family in new experiences.

So whatever life has thrown your way that is causing you to wish for a poof of glorious imagination, I wish understanding to you as you continue on your path - and don’t forget to jump when it seems scariest.  You may just find yourself roasting marshmallows with your daughter, too.

Visitation: Asking Questions vs. Prying
Juicy details about your ex: isn’t that the fringe benefit of your child’s visit with her other parent? Resist the information-temptation. Show your child that you’re interested in her, not her other parent.

The Old Way
Your child is barely in the door and already you are anxious to hear about her time with Dad. Did she eat properly? What time did she go to bed? Has she taken a bath? Did she brush her teeth? In other words, “How badly did Dad mess up this time?”

The questions continue: What did her father say? Did he say anything about you? What does he do all day? Who did they see? Was another woman there? In other words, is he failing without you?

As you’ve waited for your child’s return, you’ve fantasized about the promising juicy information. You’ve had so much fun speculating about who, what, where, and when of your ex’s life, always drawing conclusions of how his current behavior relates to you. You’re eagerly awaiting the next episode of “Life at Dad’s” so that you can learn about what he is thinking and doing. Oh, if only it was simultaneously broadcasted on TV, then you would have all of your questions answered and your suspicions confirmed.

With giddy anticipation, you pour yourself a cup of coffee and welcome your child home. The goods are about to be delivered and you’re settling back to enjoy all the details. Let the interrogation begin!

The Pro-Child Way
Give your child some space, especially when she first comes home from a visit. Let her unwind from the experience by helping her unpack or letting her dillydally. Stay available but not intrusive.

Instead of prying, create an environment that encourages your child to tell you about her feelings and experiences. Set the groundwork for open communication. Start by telling her about your day: grocery shopping (where you saw a friend) and walking the dog (who barked at a squirrel). Keep things loose so that your child can ask questions or respond. You can then ask the open-ended question, “Tell me about your day!” Chances are, you still won’t get much of a response, but it lets your child know that you are interested in what she has to say.
Most of the “answers” that you’ll receive will come when you aren’t expecting them. When your child announces, “I baked cookies with Joanne at Dad’s house!”, choke down your initial reaction of “Who?” Instead, somehow manage to respond, “That sounds yummy, what kind?” Don’t pry. It will probably be several more visits and even more cryptic messages from your child until you find out that Joanne is a lady friend of her dad. Even though you may want to know more about the mystery lady, your child only wants you to know that she was having fun. And in the end, all you really need to know is that she is having fun and is being treated well.

If you have true questions over your child’s comments, discuss it privately with your ex. Your conversation should be focused and non-threatening. “Our daughter mentioned that she has been having fun with Joanne. Is now a good time for you to tell me who that is?” Being able to respond appropriately to your child shows her that you cared and were paying attention to her comments.

If you start drilling for answers the moment your child walks in the door, you will most likely get silence, or worse, you’ll get sarcasm. Your child knows the reasons behind the questions. It becomes apparent whether you’re asking for her sake or for yours.

By giving her the freedom to express her thoughts and experiences when and how she wants, your child learns that it is safe for her to share with you ― that she can relay her thoughts, concerns, and silly stories without the retaliation of your questions. Treat your child’s comments as sweet drops of sharing. Leave the twenty questions alone, and focus on your child and what she wants to share with you.

Cutting Edge Law began as the gathering point for law professionals who identified themselves as “Lawyers as Peacemakers”.  Knowing that children’s lives can be dramatically effected through the process of divorce, I am wildly supportive of lawyers who identify themselves not as “bulldogs” but as “peacemakers”—aware that it is often the lawyer who sets the tone for the process.  This month, I’m thrilled to see a client (that would be us parents) resource area take shape on CuttingEdgeLaw.com and I’m enthusiastically supporting it.  Not only will this section of CuttingEdgeLaw.com now contain articles for parents but it will also be a good reminder to lawyers that their mindful practice has a real effect on the lives of families - encouraging them to continue in a problem-solving, collaborative way.

Thank you to publisher J. Kim Wright for holding the vision for this site and allowing me to contribute!  This is indeed “working together to be the change.”  Bookmark the site as I know this area is on the verge of exploding with new information and ideas.

CuttingEdgeLaw.com - a direct link to the parent resource area

Divorced-Parenting Tips Seminar Camp Hill, PA
Sponsored by Om Baby
Saturday, August 14, 2010
(thank you to Om Baby for hosting the April Tips Seminar)
10-11:30 am
The Tips Seminar is packed full of mindful divorced parenting tips.  Please contact Om Baby to register.

Aspire Magazine FREE Subscription

Linda Joy, the publisher of Aspire Magazine is making strides on her mission to inspire 100,000 women by offering 100,000 free subscriptions to her now electronic publication.  In addition to other free goodies, new subscribers can download Chapter 2 of The Pro-Child Way^SM: Parenting with an Ex for free!  [Parents Together: Out and About with Your Child and Your Ex. Divorced-parenting situations include doctor and school visits, birthday parties and more]

The June/July issue of Aspire includes the article Mindful Divorced Parenting: What is Your Pro-Child Way? 
Click on this link to subscribe.

Listen in!

As my daughter and I just enjoyed 1,500 miles in a car together, I was reminded of the wonderful benefit of podcasts!  Add these to your player as you drive down your path.  Five podcasts encouraging you to Nurture Your Child’s Spirit.

The agenda for my daughter and I today is climbing Pikes Peak (in a car of course!).  Whether your climb today is more of this actual or figurative nature, take time to smile at your child and Nurture Your Child’s Spirit.

Happy Summer!
-Ellen

expanding Love
Joy in all things
choosing Self-Control
Gentleness with your eyes, [more]
spreading Goodness in all you do
Faith purpose in it all
Peace within you, within [more]
Kindness to those you [more]
show Patience with others [more]
plus, “Nurture Your Child’s Spirit”

purchase…