. love . time . consistency . consideration . respect . safety . peace .

You, not your ex, control your thoughts, actions, and words.  In claiming this power, you are able to significantly impact your child’s experience.  While some divorced parenting situations require your ex’s involvement, most do not.  Awaken to those moments when you are fully responsible and choose to be the nurturing presence for your child.  In talking to your child about your ex, recognize that you have a powerful opportunity to demonstrate love.  Embrace that control and infuse the words that you choose with love.  Lovingly demonstrate to your child that even through conflict, love can be present.  In acknowledging the slightest glimmer of light within your child’s other parent, you teach your child that love is part of all, even when it’s difficult to see.  You teach your child to go past surface conflict and differences to connect with the love that lies underneath.  In mindfully choosing the words that you use to describe your ex, you embrace the opportunity to teach your child about love.

Love.  [your child:] “I want to be surrounded by love as I go through my life.  I’m learning and I take my cue from you.  I’m paying attention to what you say—teach me how I can see love in all things.  Is it possible to love through conflict? Your courage in letting love come through to me from my other parent shows me that I too have the strength to see love in my own challenges.”

Seeing love, the love that we all share as brothers and sisters on this planet, requires very clear lenses.  It’s so easy for our vision to be clouded by the news of the world and the experiences at home.  To your child, divorce can be the first time that this natural, universal love is questioned.  Where once his/her world was buffered by the lens of married parents, now uncertainty enters.  Starting here, in your child’s home world, you are able to show with amazing courage, that love can still be seen.  Love can be found everywhere - even in seemingly dark places like divorce.  Love never dims, it’s just our eyes closing.

As you speak of your ex in front of your child, purposefully choose words that remind your child that here there is love.

Learn, experience, feel, and share:
e x p a n d i n g   LOVE

Face it. The subject of your child’s other parent is going to come up between you and your child. When it is your child who is doing the talking, remember she is also listening. She is hearing what you say about her other parent and she is internalizing all of those words. So what form will your words take? Will you talk about her dad through clenched teeth or through a smile? You get to choose what your child hears from you. Choose the Pro-Child Way.

The Old Way
You rarely mention your ex’s name. There is an understanding that your ex was a part of your past and a bad part, at that. If in a moment of weakness, his name is mentioned, it certainly isn’t in a positive light.  You hiss his name through clenched teeth and follow it by a string of expletives. The comments that you make about your ex are anything but positive.  Everyone in the household knows that it is better to avoid the topic altogether, and they do.

Your child knows, through experience, that mentioning her dad’s name brings a wrath of sarcasm and old pain to your surface.  She knows that in your home, her dad’s name is not welcome.  And you are just fine with that.

The Pro-Child Way
Sure your ex might have been a jerk, but there has to be something nice you can say about him. He has nice hair?  He has good hearing??  He can walk in a straight line???  If not, make it up.  It is so important that your child hear you talk nicely about her other parent.  This is her dad, a person that she loves.  You shouldn’t “dis” the people that your child loves.  And you shouldn’t badmouth the people that love your child, especially her dad.

Your child should always hear positive comments about her dad, even if it is as simple as “your dad always brushes his teeth with such care.”  She doesn’t need to know that this annoying habit usually lasted about 20 minutes of every day and night, and gave him the excuse to not change her diaper.  What bothered you about your ex could be a welcome trait in your child.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if your child suddenly developed an interest in brushing her teeth after hearing this?

So, think of nice things to say.  Daily, mention your ex in positive ways.  Any way of bringing positive thoughts of your child’s dad to her is beneficial to her.  You don’t want your child’s dad to be some abstract, foreign person.  You want him to be real, tangible, and ever present in her life and thoughts. 

“You’ll have to tell Dad that joke, he’ll love it.”
“Look at that car, it looks just like Dad’s car.”
“Dad’s at work right now, I bet he’s eating lunch too.”
“Your giggle is so nice, it’s just like Dad’s.”
“Yum, look at that lobster. Dad loves lobster, too.”
“You chose to make the flowers blue. Blue is Dad’s favorite color.”

Mention, mention, mention. And, by the way, just as you’re not to insinuate that your ex is actually a deadbeat jerk, you’re also not to insinuate a longing or unrequited love for him.  Keep your emotions out of it.  This isn’t about you.  This is about making room for Dad in your child’s life.  This is about including him in her home.

Inevitably, your child will ask you if you love Daddy.  When your child asks, the answer should be an immediate “Yes, of course. He’s your dad. I love everyone that cares for you.” For a young child, she has never experienced romantic love and would have no clue what that is. It really isn’t necessary to explain the difference.  For an older child, it’s a beautiful opportunity to discuss the many faces of love.  Your child, whatever the age, needs to hear that you love the person that she loves.  You can say this.

Keep the positive comments flowing.  Through your consistent remarks, your child will learn to be secure in also bringing up her dad’s name.  You want to encourage your child to share her feelings about her dad without fear of being attacked or judged.  In turn, your child will feel that her dad’s presence is an integral part of her life.  And you should be just fine with that.

—————
excerpt from The Pro-Child Way^®: Parenting with an Ex by Ellen Kellner link to Amazon.com

[The first step in Getting Started is always to Stop.  Stop doing, stop thinking, stop talking, and stop seeing what others are doing.  Literally sit down and breath in silence.  Once you feel the silence penetrating your chattering mind, make the intention that you want to keep the mind of a parent, while looking through your child’s heart.  And then with your child’s smile in mind, start asking yourself all of the questions that pertain to that issue. ]

1. How does the thought of “saying something nice about your ex” make you feel?  Does the idea of it make you tense?  Notice if your breath becomes shallow, your teeth clench, or your shoulders tighten.  After all of the conflict, the mere idea of saying something positive may be harder than you’ve let yourself acknowledge.  Without scolding yourself over this realization, just let yourself explore the possibility of “what if”.  “What if” you were to allow a positive thought about your ex come through?  To someone who has suffered terribly through a marriage and divorce, this requires great bravery.  Acknowledge that you are being brave in allowing the possibility of exploration and reassure yourself that you are safe.  Realize that in allowing a positive thought about your ex, you are not dismissing the real pain that may have been a part of your marriage.  The positive thought now is separate from that experience then.  Stay present with yourself until you feel ready to move forward in processing a positive thought about your ex.  You know you’re ready when your breath deepens and the tension in your body releases.

2. Think of your child.  How do you want your child to view his or her other parent?  If the little voice in your head is secretly hoping that your child sees the other parent as the villain, acknowledge that.  See that secret wish fulfilled as your child grows, envisioning their relationship far into the future and into your grandchildren’s future.  See what a life divided looks and feels like for your child and his/her other parent.  Allow yourself to see how this separation effects your child’s other relationships including the relationship with you.  Ask yourself if this is really what you wish for your child.  Again, don’t scold yourself for having the secret thought to begin with, but allow the full effect to wash over you and guide your choices.

3. Transition your future projection to one where your child is at peace with his/her other parent.  A future where your child accepts the wholeness of his/her parent and yet still sees them in love.  See how this perspective nurtures your child.  See your child not only smiling and at peace with the other parent but also expanding that love into all of his/her life situations.  See your child loving you for that opportunity.

4. In seeing this nurturing future, become committed to making it happen.  Release any attempts to block or hinder a positive relationship between your child and his/her parent.  With your knowledge in place that you are now safe, set your intentions on purposefully expressing positive comments to your child about the other parent.

5. Explore the possibility of positive comments.  Dig deep.  Think of serious and silly comments.  With each one, imagine a setting when you are alone with your child and you can drop the comment into conversation.  Collect as many comments as you can for your repertoire.  A rehearsed positive comment is better than none at all.

6. Imagine the setting of be being alone with your child and dropping in this positive comment about the other parent.  If the absurdity makes you laugh, then laugh.  If you imagine your child would think you’ve gone nuts because saying something nice about the other parent is so foreign in the house, then see yourself acknowledging this turn of your behavior with a grin.  Take note that even though it may feel initially awkward to express nice things about your ex to your child, you can do it.  Note too that in the safety of your own home, these positive words that you’ve selected and controlled are immensely powerful.  It’s like turning on the light in the closet to make the boogeyman disappear.

7. Give a huge sigh and smile as you open your eyes to the new Pro-Child Way that you just imagined for your child.  The conviction to create a positive environment for your child within your home - a home that welcomes the thought and mention of the other parent - will drive you to create it.  As each day arrives, remind yourself, “Today, I will say something positive about my child’s other parent.”  Envision the day’s events and moments of opportunity, congratulating yourself when you’ve accomplished your goal.

8. Someday, the experience of tightness and fear in doing this practice will transition into a memory.  Your child’s new normal, will be a household that you created where love - for all people -  can be expressed freely.

Just because your marriage failed doesn’t mean that you are allowed to fail your child at being divorced.  More than ever, your child is counting on you to change his/her life for the better.  (S)he can’t do that.  You can.  Pro-Child divorced-parenting reflects the you that has emerged out of a difficult situation.  Your child’s future is in front of you—shape it.  Shape his/her life to be filled with untarnished love and smiles.  While it takes two to make a marriage succeed, it takes one to be a Pro-Child divorced parent.  You don’t need your ex’s permission to be a Pro-Child parent. You set the tone, with or without your ex’s help.  Create a new possibility.  Make your role of “divorced parent” a new start for you and your child.  And do it with conviction.

If I can do it, you can do it too!  ~ Ellen

Listen in:
July 30th 2011 at 8:00 am EST
Ellen will be the guest of Real Life with Jennifer Till who broadcasts live in Charlottesville VA (streaming available on her site.)

Discover your own Pro-Child Way:
This year’s previous in-depth divorced parenting situations are linked below.  As with this newsletter one topic is the focus giving you the grounding foundation behind The Pro-Child Way^® approach, the corresponding excerpt from the book, and steps you can take to create your own Pro-Child solution.

Determining the Time-Split Schedule (January 2011)
Setting the Visitation Schedule (February 2011)
Visitation: Helping Your Child’s Adjustment (March 2011)
Visitation: The Goodbye (April 2011)
Guiding Your Child to Sleep (May 2011) *not included in Parenting with an Ex
Visitation: The End of a Visit (June 2011)

July has been insanely busy - filled with many great experiences and opportunities for everyone in my family.  But through the busy-ness many things dropped (including a timely release of this newsletter.)  With crazy mixed up schedules I forgot, more than once, to communicate effectively with my teen daughter’s dad and step-mom about schedule adjustments causing a flurry of juggling and, I’m sure, grinding of teeth on their part.  And this morning I woke to see my younger daughter’s treasured blankey lying on her bed - with her several miles away in her bed at dad’s house.  Sigh. 

Months like this remind me that I am still practicing this Pro-Child Way.  While it has gotten easier over the years, complacency quickly reminds me to practice harder.  I don’t need much encouragement, a simple frown or smile from my daughters sets my course. 

A final note today as news comes out of Norway about a massacre.  With details sketchy, the news paints a story of polarizing ideologies.  Can you see the connection between this extreme example and the importance of teaching our children to see love even through the conflict of divorce?  In creating a loving world, we need to start at home.  Resolving conflict through violence - whether our weapon is words or bullets - is not the world our children want from us.

namaste,
Ellen

Ellen Kellner
http://www.TheProChildWay.com

expanding Love
Joy in all things
choosing Self-Control
Gentleness with your eyes, [more]
spreading Goodness in all you do
Faith purpose in it all
Peace within you, within [more]
Kindness to those you [more]
show Patience with others [more]
plus, “Nurture Your Child’s Spirit”

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