Whether it’s through financial, relationship, parenting, or employment difficulties, isn’t it a wonderful feeling to say, “Phew!”, knowing that you did it?  “Phew” is that breath out that allows a pause before that next breath in.  And with it comes a sense of acknowledgement that you just experienced something new.  I truly believe that it is through experience that we are given the wonderful opportunity to be something new.  You can just imagine a butterfly, upon emerging, saying “Phew!”

It seems ridiculous for that butterfly, upon realization that something challenging had just past, to say “Nah, forget about spreading my wings, I wanna go back to the chrysalis.”  But, so many of us do that day after day, choosing the discomfort of experience instead of embracing the passage of experience and flying forward.  A wise person once said, you’ll keep experiencing this until you no longer need to.  I don’t know about you, but I’m hanging with the butterfly and plan on taking the experience with me as I move on. 

Now, the fun part is, moving on to what?  Who is it that I am now?  Who is it that I want to be?  Out of all experiences we’re given a wonderful opportunity.  It is through this process that The Pro-Child Way^SM: Parenting with an Ex came to be.  Experiencing something, exclaiming “Phew!”, and moving on.

Today at Unity, starts the month of Wisdom.  So, I’ll gather my Strength from February, and the Faith I learned in January and march ahead to Wisdom.  At the end of the month, I fully expect “Phew” to be replaced with “Aha!”.  And I’m sure I’ll be lying in my cocoon, ready to leap forward.

The birthday party ― there are two ways of looking at it: from the perspective of a divorced parent or from your child’s perspective. The one way is sure to be filled with tension, bitterness, and accusations. The other way will be bursting with laughter and balloons. Which type of birthday will you choose for your child?

The Old Way
It’s your child’s birthday and that can mean only one thing: an ex disaster. No way are you going to spend your child’s birthday with your ex. A stressed-out day fighting with your ex is not the type of birthday party that you had in mind. It’s hard enough decorating, corralling a pack of kids, distributing party favors, keeping track of gifts, and serving cake. You really can’t handle your ex’s judging presence on top of all of that!

So you rationalize that excluding your ex from your child’s birthday is the best thing. Everyone would agree that it would be better if your ex stayed far away, right? So, you start to plan a grand birthday party: one that includes your friends and your family. If your ex wants to celebrate, fine; he can arrange his own party. (It had just not be better than your party!) Come on, you’re divorced! It would be so awkward. “Happy Birthday!” just isn’t convincing when you’re gritting your teeth. Certainly nobody would expect that the two of you would be at the same birthday party.

The Pro-Child Way
Well, almost no one would expect that two divorced parents would be at their child’s birthday party … except maybe your child. Let’s get something clear, right off the bat: this is your child’s birthday party. Not yours. Not your ex’s. It is her party, with her friends and her family. You are her family. Her other parent is her family. At your child’s birthday party, she should see not just you, but also her dad celebrating the day of her birth. Of course your ex should be a vital part of your child’s birthday. Who else has more to celebrate than the two people that created her? Celebrating a birthday is so important. Creating a wonderful birthday celebration is a joyful obligation for parents. You and your ex are her parents. Being divorced should have no impact on your child’s day.

You’re right, a stressed-out day, fighting with your ex is not the type of birthday party for your child. Your child does deserve better. But the answer isn’t to have two separate parties. The answer is for you to be nice. Impossible, you say? With the right planning and attitude, it is possible.

Start planning your child’s birthday by sizing up the situation: the date, the time of year, age and number of guests, your child’s wishes, and also the current state of your relationship with your ex. As with all issues regarding your divorce, the more time has passed, the easier it will be. But in the beginning, your child’s birthday party requires careful planning to avoid any scenes between you and your ex. Communicate often with your ex, to confirm all particulars.

On what day of the week does your child’s birthday fall? Will you be able to celebrate it on the birth date or does it have to be celebrated on the weekend? Does it land on “Dad’s day” or “Mom’s day”? If it is “Dad’s day,” does he still want you to plan the event or is he assuming that it is his responsibility? It’s time for a phone call, text, or email to your ex. During this call be sure to establish the date of celebration, the primary planner, and confirm that you both will be there. This is not an opportunity for you to talk about or respond to any issues involving your marriage or divorce. Stay focused and positive.

Now that you are assured of the date, you can worry about planning the event. Location is usually the trickiest part of planning a birthday. In selecting a site, you should have one focus: neutral territory. Avoid your ex coming to an event at your house. It has too high a disaster potential. And you shouldn’t be keen on going to his house for the same reasons. Hold the party at a location that is neutral: the playground, pool, or local pizza shop are some suggestions. You want the location to be a place that will be remembered fondly as “her birthday spot,” not the scene of tension between you and your ex. Find a place that is perfect for young guests and perfect for adults who need more space. Down the road, as your relationship with your ex matures, the location of her parties can be determined by the theme, but in the beginning, careful location planning helps to lessen the stress between two newly divorced parents.

Once you have the location secured, you can plan the birthday activities. Homespun games, decorations, and birthday cake are benign issues in regards to your ex. However, if you are envisioning a rented moon bounce, a hired clown, and pony rides, the expense may be of concern to your ex. Know your budget. What, if anything, is your ex willing to contribute? Do not plan to spend his money unless he has agreed. This is not a “blank check” opportunity to test your ex’s love for his child. Think back to your married years: How were birthdays handled then? If your ex thought homespun birthdays were best back then, chances are his attitude nor his wallet have changed. Don’t assume that he will pay for all the incidentals. Don’t assume that he will evenly share the expense. The only thing that you can assume is that you will be financially responsible for the event. If you are not able to afford the entire bill, then don’t plan an expensive party. Plan the party that you can afford. If he is able to contribute to the expenses, then it will be a surprise benefit to your checkbook. At all times, be considerate of both of your financial situations when planning events. It’s time for another phone call to your ex. Which scenario fits the party that you are envisioning?

The party that doesn’t require his financial participation:
“I thought a party at the playground pavilion would be best. The preschoolers will love being able to run around and play. I can make the cake and bring the decorations. I’ll buy a book for each child to take home, which I can pay for out of her child support. Sound good?”

or

The party that requires his financial participation:
“This has been such a great school year for our child. Her whole class is working together as a team and she is having a hard time excluding anyone. I think this year we should have a larger party where all her classmates can be included. I was thinking a carnival-type party where we can have games, crafts, the sprinkler running, and a rented moon bounce. Do you think we can swing that? The moon bounce is about $300 for the day, and I figure the crafts, prizes for the games, and food will be another $100. I can use $100 from her child support, but that leaves $300. Would you be able to contribute $150 if we split the remainder? Can you come up with a game idea and be in charge of that booth? I’ll be sure to tell our child that this is an extra special birthday party for just this year.”

Once the date, the location, and the budget are determined, all that remains is getting ready for the big day. If invitations are being sent, be sure to have your child send one to you and one to her dad. She can include a special message or drawing in these VIP invitations. As the day approaches, frequently mention how both you and Dad are looking forward to her special birthday. Not only does that get her excited, but it also reinforces positive thoughts in your mind too.

Your child’s excitement should be contagious and propel you through a wonderful birthday. Start the day with a smile and continue it through the whole day. During any moments of tension, look at your child and remind yourself of the wonderful reason that you are there. Stick to your plan of being Parents Together, and you will be able to create happy birthday memories and picture-perfect occasions.

Lawyers as Peacemakers
Yes, they exist! And, I’m finding their numbers are growing.  Just like you are seeking to find mindful solutions to nurture your child’s spirit through divorce, these lawyers are committed to finding solutions to end-of-marriage situations.  Between parents who are looking for a New Divorce and professionals who are committed to providing it, there can only be blue skies ahead for our children.  These four sites will lead you to an inspiring professional near you:

http://www.collaborativepractice.com
http://www.iahl.org
http://www.mediate.com
http://www.cuttingedgelaw.com (this site is currently going through expansion, please check back frequently for search option)

Kathleen Hassan, Life Coach for Your Teenage Girl
http://www.kathleenhassan.com
When I first met Kathleen I knew that our work would connect on so many levels, but it is her conviction in helping children that is the most powerful.  Kathleen is focused on helping girls move through the difficulties of the teen years.  So, if you have a teen girl, consider Kathleen’s help.  While you’re working on becoming a Pro-Child mom, your teen can have a trusted ally that will guide her in humor, understanding, and love.  Face it, sometimes we can’t be “All” for our children, Kathleen is that guardian angel that may be able to make a significant impact in your teen’s life.

Aspire Magazine FREE Subscription

Linda Joy, the publisher of Aspire Magazine is making strides on her mission to inspire 100,000 women by offering 100,000 free subscriptions to her now electronic publication. 

Click on this link to subscribe.

Divorced-Parenting Tips Seminar Camp Hill, PA
Saturday, April 17, 2010
10-11:30 am
The Tips Seminar is packed full of divorced parenting tips. [more info…]

Guests: Ellen Kellner and Attorney Thurman Arnold III
Show: Single Again, Now What! part of the BlogTalkRadio network
Host: Joanie Winberg

Collaborative Law attorney, Thurman Arnold III and divorced-parenting expert, Ellen Kellner teamed up to speak about incorporating mindful parenting practices into relationship breakup. For parents who find themselves within divorce or the post-divorce process, Thurman suggests ways to navigate the legal system that help lead to outcomes which serve the best interests of children.  Ellen offers valuable tips about how to handle real day to day divorced-parenting situations including visitation, holidays, extended and blended families, school functions, and much more in ways that nurture a child’s spirit.
Together, Thurman and Ellen share child-nurturing alternatives to parents who are looking for a way to make decisions that are not based upon reactivity or positioning.

The Single Again! Now What? Blog Talk Radio Show is hosted by Joanie Winberg, founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children.

Listen to program here.

On a lighter side, check out the new blog which will make you think as you “Zip it”…

“Awww, I wanted Dad!” Lessons of Divorced-Parenting

Are you familiar with the scene in Austin Powers where Dr. Evil keeps telling his son to “Zip it”?  As soon as his adult son opens his mouth to speak, Dr. Evil is there to block it with “Zip it”.  “Ziiiiiiiiiip it!”  Yes, this movie scene is my secret to mindfulness. [read more…]

In comment to this blog, one parent posted:
“Great words of wisdom.  I’ve had to zip it many times with my son (and not because we’re divorced, but because he deserves the respect from me), but we are all much better for it.  This should be for everyone that is a parent.  Thanks for this insight and so many others!” -M. Fisher.  Indeed M., I am very grateful for the wisdom that surrounds and is available to us all.  The trick is taking time to listen.  xoxo

In the words of Mary A. Hall:
Have a Divine, Blessed, Infinitely Abundant Day!
-Ellen
(Oh, and Fan me on Facebook!)

expanding Love
Joy in all things
choosing Self-Control
Gentleness with your eyes, [more]
spreading Goodness in all you do
Faith purpose in it all
Peace within you, within [more]
Kindness to those you [more]
show Patience with others [more]
plus, “Nurture Your Child’s Spirit”

purchase…