Thanksgiving is one of the holidays that my daughters get to spend with their dads.  The importance that I placed on their holiday traditions didn’t end with my marriages.  Even though I’d now be removed from their Thanksgiving, I wanted their traditions to continue and grow.  Divorce didn’t change the concept, just the practice.  For my one daughter, it has meant 10+ years of getting in the car with her dad and driving across states to Grandma and Grandpa’s house in North Carolina.  For my other daughter, it’s a developing tradition of traveling with her dad to New England.  I’m grateful that they’re being raised in family traditions, even when those traditions don’t involve me.

I admit I wasn’t always so high-minded.  I was terrified that first year.  As my young daughter was being driven away, I was sick with worry that I was never going to see her again.  Preoccupied by what was going to go wrong, I was so relieved when she returned 5 days later.  So relieved.  She was so excited to tell me of her Thanksgiving adventure!  I smiled and wished I had a Thanksgiving adventure to relay back to her!  From that moment, I put a quiet plan into action.  The plan wasn’t complex, just a mind-set that I was going to look at my Thanksgivings as an opportunity. 

The next Thanksgiving came, and I made Chex mix and muffins.  Chex mix and muffins have sustained me through years of Thanksgivings without my girls.  Instead of fretting about the looming departure, I made Chex mix.  Enough for me.  Enough for my daughter to share with her dad on the car ride.  Enough for my extended family.  When divorce number two happened and my second daughter headed off for Thanksgiving, she also left with a bag of Chex mix in her pack.  In some small way, the process of making this snack turned into a preparation for me.  Preparing my mind that the time of leaving was soon, and preparing my child with a goody bag of traveling munchies.  Yep, after all these years, it just wouldn’t be Thanksgiving (a few days early) without the smell of triple butter and season-salt Chex mix in the house.  We are all grateful for that.  Yum.

Thanksgiving muffins were a bit more deliberate.  I sought those out.  Thanksgiving morning doesn’t come with ready made activity.  No religious rituals, no commercial rituals, nothing.  I had nothing.  I needed something.  I needed purpose, good smells, and something to share.  I needed to get up early and accomplish something.  I needed awesome Thanksgiving muffins.  Oh, they are sooooo good: pumpkin, cranberry, walnuts and spice.  Piping hot out of the oven with a cup of coffee.  Now THAT is Thanksgiving morning.  A double recipe is enough to have some for traveling.  Usually they travel with me to my family’s house across town.  This past Thanksgiving, both the muffins and Chex mix traveled with me to Spain.

I still crave a bit of tradition in my holiday.  But, I’m so grateful that my Thanksgiving tradition now fits into my carry-on luggage.  My Thanksgiving possibilities have expanded enough to include me leaving the continent.  I knew my girls were surrounded by their traditions, so off I went, with my bag of goodies in tow, to gather my own adventure stories to re-tell.

Thank you to my Ex, for taking our daughter on that first Thanksgiving holiday.  It’s been a journey, but the panic has long subsided, ushering in Thanksgivings filled with Chex mix, muffins, and possibilities. 

The holiday is upon you and your child will be spending it with your ex.  After all of the preparations are made and the last goodbyes are waved, you are left with you.  For a parent who is alone for a holiday, there is little consolation in knowing that the best arrangements were made.  But as the saying goes: “When life hands you lemons…”  As the holiday approaches, make plans for yourself.  Not only will this benefit you, but also your child.  Your child always benefits by knowing that you’re OK too.  So as the childless holiday approaches, which way will you choose: The Old Way of loneliness and avoidance or the Pro-Child Way of celebration?

The Typical Way:
Your child is scheduled to be with your ex for the upcoming holiday.  You get depressed just thinking about it.  It’s going to suck.  You figure, why decorate or celebrate at all?  Your child won’t be here anyway, what’s the point?

As the holiday draws nearer, the stores fill with decorations, while your house fills with loneliness. The only indication of the approaching holiday is the seasonal decoration that your child made in school.  It hangs, out of context, on the refrigerator door.  Its presence only reminds you of how lonely you are going to be.

You get more depressed with each passing day.  You wonder how you’ll ever make it through another holiday without your child.  Without your child there to celebrate, there simply isn’t a point to any of the hoopla.

As your child leaves for her holiday, you fight back the tears, leaving a blank stare on your face.  Your parting gift to your child is your blanket of sadness.  A heavy weight that travels with her.  You’re too depressed to care.

The Pro-Child Way:
Holidays without your child are hard. Certainly, one of the worst aspects of divorce is not being able to spend every holiday with your child.  But the holiday will arrive, whether you are with or without your child.  So prepare for it and make your own traditions.  Doing this is good for you and good for your child.

First off, take the decorations out of the attic and have your child help you decorate the house.  She may not be with you for Thanksgiving Day, but that doesn’t mean you should skip on the season.  Decorating for a holiday is great fun, and a terrific opportunity to create tradition with your child.  There are so many activities, decorations, and foods that you and your child can create.  It would be a shame to give it all up, just because you won’t be together for the actual holiday. Your child doesn’t have to give up making handprint turkey place-cards just because she isn’t having dinner with you. Ask your Ex if it would be ok if some of the decorations traveled with your child.  The place-cards can just as easily include the names of those celebrating with her.  Besides, it gives your child a part in decorating for her holiday as well.

Have a “pre-holiday” event with your child.  Is the upcoming holiday Halloween? Then why not have your own Halloween party with decorated cupcakes, costumes, spooky games, and stories.  If Easter is the holiday that will be spent away from you, then consider hosting a pre-Easter egg making party and hunt.  If Thanksgiving is the date, than cook a full blown dinner that previous Sunday.  Your goal is not to “out-do” the other parent’s celebration, but to create your own happy day.  Even if it is just the two of you, these pre-holiday celebrations will become an important part of each holiday. 

Consider your child’s feelings.  If you choose not to decorate or celebrate a holiday, your child will be sad for you.  Wouldn’t you be sad to know that your favorite person wasn’t going to celebrate a holiday?  Indeed, it would be hard for you to be happy on that day, knowing that your favorite person was spending it alone.  Your child would react in the same way. Seeing you happy and content with the holiday arrangements allows her to enjoy herself with Dad.

Once your child has left for her visit, go ahead and cry all you need to.  At some point, the tears will be over and you’ll need to get on with life.  Foresee a rough holiday and make other plans.  Don’t sit and eat left over spaghetti on Thanksgiving; don’t sleep through Christmas Day.  There are so many events in which you could get involved.  Spend the day with other family or friends, volunteer to help others, or spend the day at the spa.  Just plan something and make that your new tradition. 

Look forward to the day’s phone call when you and your child can share the holiday’s events.  In addition to hearing about her holiday, be sure to tell her about your great day. Finally, take comfort in knowing that your child is with her Dad who loves her, and that she is getting to spend the day with him.  Congratulate yourself on helping your child have a great holiday experience, with or without you.