While I wanted to exclaim, “Sure!”  My answer was more authentic: “I don’t know.” 

I don’t understand why a parent abuses their child, whether physically or emotionally.  I don’t understand why a parent continuously berates their child’s other parent.  I don’t understand why a parent’s anger towards life outweighs the love for his/her child.  I see these parents everywhere.  And, to this lawyer, she sees them at their worst.

Is it you?  Are you the parent that scoffs at the Pro-Child way?  What is your excuse?  I’ve heard some of them, and they usually start with the sentence: “my ex is a !#%@” and usually ends with “you must have had it easier than me”. 

To this, I always wonder, “So, if you’re ex wasn’t such a #!@%, you’d be a better parent? Why does your ex get to determine what kind of parent you are and, at what point did you decide that his/her offenses tipped the scales away from the love of your child?”

I know divorce sucks.  It was awful my first time around, and I certainly didn’t get remarried hoping to experience it again.  But, it happened.  If I were to experience divorce again and again, at what point would my scale tip away from the Pro-Child way and instead become weighted down by anger?  How monstrous would my ex have to be for me to justify screaming what a #$!% he is when our daughters can hear me?  Knowing that other parents have crossed this line, makes me even more aware that it could exist.

For me, it helps to have a benchmark: courageous individuals from whom I can draw inspiration.  Heroes who have persevered in the face of great adversity.  While they don’t erase the very real situations that I have faced as a divorced parent, by thinking of these people, I stay grounded. 

“I still believe, in spite of everything, that people are truly good at heart.”  Anne Frank

“You choose how to live.” A mother on Home Extreme Makeover who lost her son in an auto accident

“They know not what they do.” Jesus on the cross

If these individuals were able to go on without anger overwhelming their soul, I can too.  Even on the worst of my divorced parenting days, I am thankful that I don’t have to bear what these others have faced.  How about you?  How does the divorced situation that you’re facing measure up against these benchmarks?

Take another look at your child.  Every time your anger spills out, it is your child that is the receiver.  You’re driving your child to the doorstep of child-of-divorce statistics: suicide, drop-out, inability to have loving relationships, teen pregnancy, eating disorders, and more.  With each hate-filled comment you make, your child gets more afraid, more distrusting, more un-loved, more unworthy.  I know that the love for my children far outweighs any hate that I may have towards my exes.  And I will heap love, security, patience, kindness, and gentleness onto them in every possible way, welcoming any new idea that promises a path away from the statistics.

So to those anger-centric parents: I don’t know when you’ll be ready, but I’m here; standing next to your child, waiting for the moment that anger releases its blinding grip and you glimpse the Pro-Child way.

For divorced parents, setting the holiday schedule can be fraught with conflict and high emotions. In the confrontational arena of formulating custody arrangements, it is easy for the focus to shift away from the child’s best interest and move towards a competition between the opposing parents. In response to wanting to end the conflict, the compromising old way of “every-other” results. The typical every-other approach to dividing up holidays may be a shortcut for avoiding initial conflict, but the long-term effects can be unsettling for your child. Instead, lay a secure foundation by adopting the designated holiday schedule. Once the schedule is set, turn your attention to your child and the holidays. Strive to create holidays that are filled with thoughts of yummy food, good times, and tradition.

The Old Way
If it’s an even number year, then that must mean that your child will be forced to be with her dad for Christmas. The good news is that at least this year, you get to spend Thanksgiving with your child. Of course, last year your child had to suffer through Thanksgiving with her dad’s family ― that didn’t go well. They made spaghetti. Spaghetti! This year, since it’s your turn, you’ll be making that turkey. Turkey, and maybe a ham, and stuffing, and pumpkin pie from a fresh pumpkin. You’ll show her what a real Thanksgiving looks like. Would it be going too far to wear Pilgrim and Indian costumes? That would be a cool picture for her to show her dad.

Thanksgiving will be better this year - for her and you.

Last year was really depressing without her. Of course, Christmas will be even worse this year. She really loves all of her cousins and the hubbub of the large family Christmas morning. This year, it will just be her and her dad. That’s going to stink. Last year, when he was alone, he traveled to his family’s house. But this year, it’s just too expensive for them both to travel. I guess it’s going to stink for him too. Oh well, that’s divorce.

As you’re mulling over the year’s upcoming holidays, trying to stomach the disappointments and making glorious plans for the shared dates, your heart is aching. No matter what year it is ― odd or even ― something is going to suck. Holidays used to be such a highlight. Those years are over.

The Pro-Child Way
So, if the “every-other” solution to divvying-up holidays is out, what is the solution? The solution is to designate each specific holiday with a specific parent, and stick to that schedule year after year. New Years is spent with Dad, every year. Easter is spent with Mom, every year. Thanksgiving is spent with Dad, every year. You get the idea.

Your protesting is heard loud and clear: it is certainly easier (and less confrontational) for you to create the typical “every-other” approach. But remember, the point isn’t for it to be easy for you; the point is for it to be the best for your child. The “every-other” holiday schedule doesn’t work. “Every-other” is confusing for all, and it hampers establishing tradition, routine, and security for your child. You and your ex’s pains in determining the holiday schedule are worth the benefits that they will bring year after year.

When deciding the schedule, it is important to consider what is best and most comforting for your child. Does your child look forward to Dad’s backyard firework display on the Fourth of July? Then perhaps that summertime holiday should be spent with Dad. Is Christmas Day special because of Mom’s traditions and cooking? Then Christmas should be with Mom. This isn’t about what you want. This isn’t about getting “your fair share.” This isn’t about your winning or losing. This is only about making your child’s holidays the best they can be.

But what if one parent took the lead at all holidays? If both parents agree, there is nothing wrong with your child spending every holiday with the one parent. However, it is wrong for you and your child to be inconsiderate and not remember the other parent on holidays. You want your child to grow up knowing that she is loved and thought of by both parents. In turn, a happy child will love and think of her parents. Days before the holiday, have your child prepare something for her other parent: a card, a drawing, or a poem. On holidays, take the lead and provide guidance by having your child call the other parent first thing in the morning and again in the evening to share the day’s events. Your child’s remembering the other parent should become part of that holiday’s tradition.

But what if both parents were actively involved in all holidays? If both parents continue to stay involved in each holiday, then that is great for your child! There is nothing wrong with trick-or-treating at both houses, or Easter morning at one house followed by an egg hunt at the other. Important warning: be sure that this “dual parents holiday” adds to the celebration, not to the burden. If it disrupts your child’s day, then it isn’t a positive addition. The key is to celebrate the holiday consistently, year after year. The goal is for your child to grow up surrounded in happy holiday traditions.

If the “dual parents holiday” simply isn’t an option, then roll up your sleeves ― this is when it gets difficult to divvy-up the holidays, but divvy you must do. Each parent should create a full list of the holidays. Thinking of your child’s experience at each holiday, number them according to your child’s involvement with you during that holiday. Tackle the “big ones” last and start with the easier holidays. Keep in mind that some holidays are a natural fit: an outsider would recognize that your ex’s celebrating Irish family would offer your child a more enriching St. Paddy’s Day than your non-Irish family. Use the “outsider’s perspective” to check your reality. Hopefully you and your ex can agree on where your child should spend each holiday, but you may have to compromise. Remember: The compromise isn’t to switch to an every-other schedule. Designate.

Most importantly, the goal is to create wonderful holidays for your child ― holidays that are full of tradition and love. Designating holidays allows for you and your child to repeat traditions every year. (And not comparing it to the other parent’s traditions.) Even seemingly silly events like your child creating place-cards for the dinner table evolve into concrete traditions that help define that holiday. Foster that sense of tradition, continuity, and security by adopting the designated holiday schedule.

A terrific effect of this schedule is that both parents seem to put more effort into creating wonderful holidays. Former lack-luster holidays develop into fun new celebrations. Your child benefits from this extra effort, making the holidays wonderful family times for all.

Brilliant Exits, LLC

Sharon Zarozny has recently been added to my list of “benchmark” heroes.  In spite of going through a self-described “divorce from hell”, costing $60,000 (a fraction of her ex’s cost) and spanning 13 years, Sharon committed herself to helping other’s avoid the hell that she experienced.  Through her organization, Brilliant Exits (I LOVE that name!), she offers a guiding hand to clients as they become “unmarried.”  If you live in the greater Washington DC area, I strongly encourage you to become a regular at her Second Saturday seminars.  .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)