Talk about fighting a battle on your own! When you choose to parent the Pro-Child Way, it may seem at times ― or all the time ― that you are indeed fighting a battle on your own. When your child’s well-being is at hand, you may have hopes that your ex will welcome a pro-child approach ... but face it, you may be doing this one on your own for awhile. The “old way” of divorced-parenting is so ingrained that it may take a lot of perseverance on your part for your ex to realize that when it comes to your child, you’re not going to be led down that path of bitterness and anger. Repeat that:

“He is not going to lead me down that path. When it comes to my child, I am the parent. I decide how I am going to handle various parenting situations. I am choosing the Pro-Child Way. And my choice is final. I am not going to be led down that path no matter what bait my ex dangles in front of me.”

Your ex knows how to push your buttons. He can bait you without you even realizing it. He knows exactly what to say to get you fired up, defensive, and very angry. I’m sure if given the chance, you have a lot of not-so-pleasant things to say to your ex. Fine, go for it. But not if it has to do with your child. Not if your child can hear you.
When it comes to your child, stuff your ego into the closet and parent from a position of caring. Caring for your child. Of course you love your child. So “caring for your child” should be easy. But when you’re standing in the doorway, with your ex screaming at you about something totally irrelevant, it takes more than “caring” to smile and say, “OK! Bye, Daddy, see you tomorrow!” It takes conviction. Conviction that Pro-Child parenting is what you do.

Sure, setting the parenting tone is a heck of a lot easier with a cooperating ex. But it is worth it to your child for you to go it alone anyway. To your child, one parent who puts her interests and happiness first is better than two parents who only concentrate on defending their egos. Lucky for your child, it only takes you to make a significant impact on the divorced-parenting tone. Your child needs you to think of her. Your child needs to hear from you that she is OK and that her dad loves her. She needs to see you smile when in the presence of her dad. She needs to feel your love as a parent, not your hate as an ex.

So even though you would rather scream than smile at your ex, smile anyway. Your smile will change the tone. Your child will immediately sense that she is in a secure place protected by love and understanding for her. And in time, your ex will realize that he’s not going to be able to control you anymore. If he’s going to interact with you, he’s going to have to get used to the fact that you are now parenting the Pro-Child Way. He’ll change his tone, which will greatly benefit your child. Hang onto the vision that someday, he too will put his ego aside and you’ll be parents together. Until then, remember that you can set the tone, with or without your ex’s help.

The Old Way
It’s Back-to-School Night? “Just great,” you sarcastically sigh. Another occasion that you’ll have to suffer through with your ex. Well no more! The solution is at hand: you divide the event in half. The first half of the evening is your turn and the second half of the event will be your ex’s turn. Yep, that’s right. Your child can first show you her classroom, her seat, her books, her poem on the wall, and her favorite classroom activity. Then it’s off to show you the way to the art room, the gym, the music room, the cafeteria, and the bathrooms. Once the whole school is covered once or twice at a jog, you can leave so that your ex can arrive.

Once your ex arrives, your child can show him the classroom, her seat, and her books. Forget the poem and her favorite classroom activity, time will be running out and Dad will still need to see the gym. He can’t see it all? Too bad. At least you avoided each other and that is most important. Given the circumstances, you fit in what you could.

The Pro-Child Way
When Back-to-School Night is split in two, what is usually a fun and proud night for a child turns into a burden. Your child becomes more worried about crossing between Mom’s time and Dad’s time, and less focused on showing off her accomplishments. The night is exhausting for your child, less than fulfilling for the parents, and the whole point of the evening is lost.

What can be more fun for your young child than for the whole family “gang” focusing on her at Back-to-School Night? Her mom, her dad, her siblings, her step-parents, her step-siblings ― all there for her. For days, her classroom has prepared for the big night: cleaning up the desks, creating projects for display, and putting finishing touches on creative stories. She is proud of her work and anxious to show it off. There are teachers to meet and other kids to see. It’s like a big, exciting party for your child where she is the star attraction. The more to share it with her, the merrier!

This is an event specifically designed for parents. As her parents, you should be there, together. Be sure that your ex has plenty of notice so that he can plan on attending. You should walk together, ooh and aah together, and greet the teachers together. There are usually parent sign-up sheets to register for conferences or participate in classroom parties. You and your ex should consider these together and sign up when appropriate.

You and your ex should have fun with your child and be glad that she is excited to show off her classroom activities. By being Parents Together, you show her that she is important, not the divorce.

This past weekend I was given the opportunity to spend time at the Omega Institute for Holistic Studies.  I joined with twenty other participants in crafting, developing, and honing new seminars.  The collective creative energy was overwhelming.  It is a cherished occasion when seemingly separate individuals, with differing work, can come together behind one larger purpose: being the change that they want to see in the world.  Whether it is through mindful divorced parenting, music’s connection to the soul, energy healing, inner-transformation through routine tasks, or the many other unique programs, the guiding principle of love and awareness remained constant.  All of us will reap benefit from this expansion. www.eOmega.org