Is it an oxymoron to find familiar comfort in the order that never was? 

Take this newsletter for example: This month, in sharp contract to previous months, I’m writing these Words of Encouragement as the final step, not the first.  I actually had no idea what my encouraging words might be as I embarked on creating September’s newsletter!  But now that the rest of the newsletter is finished and these words are springing forth, it feels right, and new, AND comforting.  Perhaps a new way is developing?

Take my family’s evening routine for example: Now that bedtime is pre star-filled skies, my girls and I have created a new evening routine.  Gone are the late night three-episode marathons of Nickelodeon’s Avatar watching (highly recommended!).  Now we have evenings of decreasing activity as we settle into our bed-time chats.  This relaxed time has opened up some wonderful experiences: like swinging on the tree swing, sharing with our elderly neighbor, and the frequent family “guitar time” that has developed from my teen’s willingness to play while her mom and sister sing. 

Willingness… ahhhh, perhaps that’s the key.  August was a month spent in anticipation of Something Big: the new school year.  This anticipation opened an increasing willingness in us to do, be, something new.  And now we sit in September, surrounded by familiar order.

Willingness has been a big player throughout life.  I didn’t know during that first divorced-parenting situation, 13 years ago, how I was going to handle it, but I held willingness: a willingness that opened the possibility of The Pro-Child Way.  I didn’t know this Spring how my family was going to transition from the sale of our home to a new place, but the willingness to embrace “All is Well” led us to our new love-filled home (with a great 4 week pit-stop across the mid-west!).  And I don’t know how this newsletter is going to turn out (or my life, for that matter) but that willingness to move forward with it continues.

And all of that willingness, a willingness that neither insists or resists change, leads to the surprising changes that brings familiar order. 

So in your search for order, I suggest that you first open up to willingness.  You, and your family, may marvel at the order that results.

Om Shanti, Peace be with you

Is your Ex a Natural Disaster? The Lessons of Hurricane Season
Preparing Your Child to Weather the Stormy Ex

A divorced parent has a lot to learn from the lessons of hurricane season. Hurricane season repeatedly effects the South, yet life goes on.  In spite of this known event, Florida’s population continues to grow.  How do they continue to thrive in the midst of natural disasters? They prepare.  They control what they can. They clean up when it’s over.  They persevere.  A divorced parent can use this as inspiration when in the presence of a Natural Disaster Ex.

Just like the hurricane warnings, you can predict your Ex’s behavior.  If a hurricane is brewing out in the sea, chances are, it’s going to hit.  If your Ex was a disaster once, chances are, he or she will be a disaster again.  It’s as predictable as the approaching storm.  Don’t be unprepared.  Don’t let your child be unprepared.  A person who fails to prepare for a hurricane is just as neglectful as the parent who fails to prepare his or her child.  You know it’s going to happen, so shame on you if you let the destruction hit full force.  A Natural Disaster Ex comes in all varieties.  Some are an overly controlling Ex, insisting that visitation commence and end within a specified minute, putting undue stress on their child.  Some are unreasonable, refusing to change the visitation schedule even if it means that their child will miss an important event.  Some Exs are hurtful, spewing venom about the other parent as their child disintegrates into tears.  When your child is unprepared, your Ex’s behavior can be devastating.  Is your Ex a Natural Disaster?  You can’t prepare unless you recognize the signs.  Adjust your antenna to get a clear signal, then tune in.  When the Natural Disaster Ex is approaching: prepare.

As the winds kick-up, it becomes apparent that the storm will come: there is nothing anyone can do to change its course. But to lessen the impact, residents control what they can.  The long lines at the home-improvement store are proof that the residents are going to put effort where it counts. A parent, who faces a Natural Disaster Ex, can respond in many ways.  Heed the lesson: recognize what you can’t control and take control over that which you can.  While most divorced parents blame the other parent for creating the conflict, studies show that either parent, by his or her own actions, actually can prevent 80% of the conflict.  Stop trying to control your Ex and start taking control by creating a more loving and gentle atmosphere for your child.  You can’t control your Ex’s behavior but you can control yours—and your behavior has a tremendous impact on your child’s well-being.  Establish routines with your child; arrange events that are free of conflict; and, resolve that you won’t let your Ex control your or your child’s emotions. When you are facing a divorced parenting situation control it, set the mood, and stay focused on your child’s need for love and peace.  Control what you can.  Let go of what you can’t.

Once the storm has passed, cleanup begins.  The hurricane support signs are posted everywhere: “Hurricane emergency donation kits accepted here.”  These kits contain many of the tools that a natural disaster victim may need.  What about you and your child?  When dealing with a Natural Disaster Ex, what should your emergency kit contain?  You should provide to your child a well-stocked kit containing love, patience, and understanding, plus a large supply of listening.  These are the tools that will clean up the mess.  The tool of understanding will come in handy, when you comfort your child who is understandably upset at missing an important event.  “I know it’s hard to see, but Mom/Dad loves you.  She/He is only doing what she/he thinks is best. Even though you may not agree, understand that she/he means well.  It’s her/his way of loving you.  I understand you’re upset.”  For the controlling Ex, use the tool of patience.  You should exercise patience during the visitation exchange, biting your tongue and smiling instead of arguing over minutes lost.  And the most important tool is love. Your Ex may say hurtful things, but your response of love will have the lasting effect.  As you’re tucking your child into bed, gently reassure her/him that “Mommy loves her very much and Daddy loves her very much.  Mommy and Daddy both love her very, very much.”  When your child repeats hurtful words that she overheard her other parent state, respond in peace.  Reassure her that no matter what her other parent may say, it doesn’t effect the love that parent has for her and that your wish for her parent to find happiness goes unchanged.  Lastly, when a Natural Disaster Ex has occurred, take time to listen—listen to your child and validate her feelings.  Listening is a tool that should be plentiful.

Don’t confuse an awful Ex with an abusive Ex.  Your child must be shielded from physical or sexual abuse.  An abusive Ex isn’t a Natural Disaster; this Ex is a criminal.  In these extreme cases, your child should be protected with the enforcement of the legal system.

Like the residents that emerge through a hurricane, you and your child can manage through a Natural Disaster parent.  Residents of the South realize that there are many benefits of staying in hurricane range that far outweigh the option of permanently moving from their homes. Even in the presence of a Natural Disaster Ex, your child benefits from a relationship with both parents.  Your child’s well being is worth whatever extra effort that you may have to exert.

When dealing with a Natural Disaster Ex, it is your responsibility to be prepared, control what you can, and clean-up when it is over.  Ask any Floridian and they will tell you that yelling, screaming, and crying over a storm doesn’t protect their house from the winds.  It is only through real work and effort that they board-up and wait for the sun to return.  To your child, your comforting smile is as bright as any sunshine.

link to this article

I hope your household embraced back-to-school with the same excitement that my girls and I had.  With one starting 2nd grade and one well into high-school, all three of us have our own reasons as to why this time of new beginnings, routines, and possibilities is so momentous.  Even with the accompanying uncertainty and jitters, we sing, “It’s the most, wonderful time of the year.”  (well, aside from trick-or-treat, Christmas, New Years Day, St. Patty’s Day, Birthdays…)  Here are two pieces to get you in the “holiday” spirit:

Back-To-School Tips as posted in ParentingSquad.com by Ellen Kellner
“Have you ever had a “first day of school” nightmare? Dream analysts cite that “first day of school” dreams are common throughout a person’s life. That feeling of being unprepared or lost is powerful. So, while your child appears fixated on supplies, clothes, and friends, remember that these may mask underlying concerns or insecurities. For kids dealing with divorce on top of worry over teachers…”
Please click here to access full article at ParentingSquad

For more tips on how to approach back-to-school divorced parenting situations, listen in on this week’s recorded teleseminar “10 Positive Back-to-School Parenting Techniques for Divorced Parents with host Lisa Decker and guest Ellen Kellner.
Please click here to access the one hour audio

For those in the Greater Harrisburg PA area:

The Mindful Living Series at The House of Meditation
Blue Mountain Lotus Society
Zen and the Art of Parenting
Join Sensei Tony for an enlightening guide to enriching and enjoying your parent-child relationships.
Saturday, September 25th 1:00-4:00pm, $50, (717) 671-5057
more information
(this event is not affiliated with The Pro-Child Way, but I highly recommend it!)

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

When my teen and I “hit the road” this summer we had the good fun to visit Unity Church of Santa Fe, NM.  Through perfect synchronicity, the guest singer for that Sunday was the very talented artist Celia.  Live, she looped her singing to build layer upon layer of beautiful a cappella music - it was amazing both technically and energetically.  Listen in to the piece that gripped my heart, inspired by the above words of Kahlil Gibran’s “Your Children”.  “Your Children” by Celia.

Nurture Your Child’s Spirit,
-Ellen

expanding Love
Joy in all things
choosing Self-Control
Gentleness with your eyes, [more]
spreading Goodness in all you do
Faith purpose in it all
Peace within you, within [more]
Kindness to those you [more]
show Patience with others [more]
plus, “Nurture Your Child’s Spirit”

purchase…